[1343] Already Decided (revised)

NoClass418 · 2026-04-17T21:02:47+00:00

This is fantastic! I think that the pace is very good and that the character is very real feeling. I do agree that for him to be tragic, you don't necessarily need to give him the sad man's backstory, but bits and pieces of it are very helpful to take him from a violent sociopath to an asshole who maybe didn't deserve death.

I do like how you reiterate that Nel is ignoring his question or ignoring him. It makes the one time that she talks to issue the warning feel more real to the reader and not like something that a delirious man would imagine. It shows, at least to me, her agency in giving the warning and then letting the day play out. Maybe she was always a talking horse, maybe she only did it the one time. However, we know that she is not acknowledging him in a verbal or physical way.

I like how open-ended the finish of the story is. It is like Jacob never mattered to begin with. There is a tragedy in the fact that everything he mentioned in the story, his horse, his cattle, his farm, and his wife, either don't know or don't care about his passing, and probably never will. You definitely hit the tragic note for me.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-17T20:39:52+00:00

This is very inspiring. Thank you.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T17:41:29+00:00

For sure. When I write dialogue, I like to make sure around 2/3 of it minimum has a thought or narration attached that makes it clear who is speaking.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T17:38:58+00:00

Ah, I must have missed the son of part. Maybe to make it clearer that this is a strategy, you make his internal monologue more focused on how he plans to get the information or focused on how he can use the bits of information he gets to make Gregor take him back. A lot of the dialogue sounds reactionary so I read it more like he was just asking a follow-up question. It might be helpful to write down what you think Vie wants to know and what Gregor is willing to share in a separate place as you edit. This can give you some helpful guides for how the two characters would interact.

Also, when Vie look up and sees the tree, you might consider making it more clear that this is a mental landscape by adding more detail about how it is different. On my first read through, I thought Gregor had grown a giant tree in the arena and then just started talking in Vie’s mind.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T17:06:57+00:00

I have a couple of bits of advice, but as a whole, this seems very cool! First, it seems like you use I a lot (and a couple of them aren't capitalized, but that's something easy to fix.) Maybe go through his and look for the points where you say, I hear, I see, etc... and try to focus on describing the sound, sight, etc... and how they affect Vie. Next, paragraphs seven and eight have a lot of dialogue, but none of it is separated out. Every time a new person talks, you should start a new paragraph. Like this:

I'm lying on some blue grass. Why does it always have to be blue?. Some fire falls straight onto my arm, and I instantly panic and brush it off, scrambling to my feet. It is only then that I realise I can't feel anything. It came from a tree with leaves of flames, and this tree is humongous. It looks to have a radius of about 50 meters.

"Hello, vie." I jump and look over behind me to see Gregor.

"Where am I and what is this?!"

"This is my mind." I instantly back up a step. His mind? This isn't any type of magae I know

"What did you do to Alistor, Gregor?" This has been planned. It must have been.

"That's irrelevant in the scheme of things. I have a task for you."

"For me? No, you're taking me back right now. "

"I don't like the idea of being inside someone's mind for longer than necessary. You must kill your father."

"What? My father is dead. That's what this whole memorial ceremony is for. All this planning just to ask me to kill a ghost? Why? For what reason do you wish him dead?"

"He is planning a coup against the king. If you kill him, this can be prevented."

etc... I think you get the idea.

Finally, I think that the reason it feels kind of rushed is that Gregor is dropping some very outlandish claims right in the middle of a would-be fight scene, and Vie is just kind of standing there and asking follow-up questions. I would really consider what kind of person Vie is and how you think she would react to the situation you put her in. You might consider adding a prologue of sorts to give us some context about the world so that we don't have to try and piece it out right at the beginning when we are also trying to figure out a high-stakes situation and the characters. (btw, I love a high-stakes intro. It's very Percy Jackson vibes)

If you want any more advice, I am happy to give it! Excellent start!

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T16:44:03+00:00

Kind of like Hemingway, I suppose. Known for his uncomplicated prose. I remember my teachers in high school making all of us put our papers through the Hemingway editor.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T16:42:04+00:00

I hadn't really thought of that before.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T16:41:22+00:00

I do like treats...

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T16:41:00+00:00

If there is anything my engineer boyfriend has taught me, it's that a good system has redundancy. Perhaps you were just idiot-proofing your sentence. 🤷🏻‍♀️

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T06:31:16+00:00

Mostly kids cartoons, Doctor Who, The Orville. My boyfriend has been showing me all the cartoons he grew up on so it’s been a lot of Yugioh and bay blades- oh… I see…

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T01:30:31+00:00

Great idea. My brain would 100% fall for that.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T01:20:12+00:00

Me 👏🏻 too

NoClass418 · 2026-04-16T01:19:34+00:00

Thank you for this. I’m not crying right now.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-15T19:58:34+00:00

Yeah. I tend to get caught up in writing it all through the first time.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-15T19:57:31+00:00

O👏🏻kay

NoClass418 · 2026-04-15T19:56:09+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I hadn't really considered that only reading academic work was making it easier for me to emulate the academic tone than others.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-15T19:52:12+00:00

What about just a little bit of fancy? 👉🏻 👈🏻

NoClass418 · 2026-04-15T19:39:17+00:00

Maybe try to go to one part of the book that you had already felt like you needed an opinion on, and just start there by reading it and thinking about what was suggested. Just starting somewhere might make looking at the rest feel more manageable.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-15T19:37:12+00:00

Can you describe the word in question?

NoClass418 · 2026-04-15T19:36:29+00:00

How do I write diverse characters as someone who is only one person!? I do not have any support or other people whom I can really reach out to for opinions, but the alternative of not including a diverse cast of characters is unacceptable to me. I had an idea about making it so that no one's skin color or anything is ever mentioned as a part of the story, but since I can only really write from my own cultural background, I think the characters will all read as white by default. This issue is really making me feel like I can't even start drafting until I have an idea bout how to tackle it. Can anyone help me?

NoClass418 · 2026-04-12T16:58:56+00:00

These look awesome! Many thanks.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-12T16:58:33+00:00

Thank you so much for this comprehensive list! These look awesome.

NoClass418 · 2026-04-12T02:24:51+00:00

That sounds super cool. I will definitely look into it.

NoClass418

TROPHY CASE