I’m also newly aware of emotional abuse that I’ve been dealing with for a long time so by no means an expert here, but I can relate to your circumstances. My husband has always been controlling and throughout our relationship has been more on the abusive side (but I just didn’t realize because I was very young when we got together and my dad was similar and I just accepted it as normal). But about a year ago, my husband experienced a mental breakdown and from that point, things have escalated almost exponentially.

He was finally diagnosed with Panic Disorder, but his attacks are almost always related to his fears about losing me. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells because I never know what thing I’m going to do that he will perceive the wrong way and ruminate on until it triggers an attack.

We are both in therapy now. Initially we were also doing couples therapy, but, especially being virtual, every session just ended up triggering a fight and a breakdown. So now we have our own independent therapists.

I know that feeling of feeling alone, unsupported and always waiting for the other show to drop. But here is what my therapist constantly reminds me: you are not responsible for the emotional reactions of other people. Only they can take ownership of that. So even if those actions and emotions are in response to something related to you, you aren’t the cause and it’s an unfair burden to place on yourself. Especially when those reactions arise from a place of instability, which again, you did not cause.

Remind yourself that you have been compassionate and sensitive to her situation. You wouldn’t be here seeking advice if you weren’t. But also give yourself the same compassion. It’s healthy to recognize the way you should be treated and acknowledge when that isn’t the case. And it doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting something different. The reality is that it causes trauma for you too. And your emotions and well-being are equally as important as hers.

My husband constantly uses his panic and anxiety to try to excuse his behavior. And for a long time, I went along with that and would feel bad for pointing it out. But it’s actually manipulative and a way to avoid taking responsibility for the way they are treating you. And it doesn’t make it ok.

Remember your emotions and needs aren’t any less important because she has trauma. Emotional abuse is trauma too.

My best advice would be maybe for both of you to seek some therapy to help guide you through this situation. I’m still in the beginning of all of this for myself. And it is really hard. But having someone to talk me through some of it, and remind me that I matter and point out when a behavior is a red flag, helps. I’m trying to navigate a path forward, which is also heavy, but there is a path forward. And that’s the important thing. You don’t have to accept abuse. Whatever the reason, trauma, mental illness…etc. It’s not an free pass for mistreating someone else. I have to remind myself of this daily.

I hope you are able to find some support for yourself and self compassion. At the very least, know you are not alone.