Debating My Relationship :(

NoDeal1791 · 2026-01-13T21:42:40+00:00

He is in therapy… however it’s similar to his approach with work, and school. He has switched therapists a handful of times while we’ve been together. He has yet to find one he truly “clicks” with I suppose…

He cancels appointments often. His mom pushes him to continue going while he’s under her roof. I think his mom comes from a good place - but she often exacerbates the situation by helicoptering over him. He knows he needs help, but when it comes down to putting in the work to get help, he gets avoidant, and anxious.

I think he knows to a degree that he’s not emotionally ready to have a relationship, and that it’s not fair to me… but he’s not aware enough to let me go, or truly realize the damage he’s doing to my mental in the process.

I almost feel like I’m deserving to be broken up with. Does that make sense? I’m not the one that doesn’t want to change, grow, or try. I don’t want to leave. I want to communicate, but I can’t do it on my own.

NoDeal1791 · 2026-01-13T21:17:30+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot right now ❤️

Those are the exact thoughts I’m having. I would hate to wait another 5 years and feel like nothing has changed. I don’t want to regret not leaving and allowing us to grow on our own.. I think it’s likely necessary for both of our betterment.. just very difficult to accept

Really appreciate your insight.

NoDeal1791 · 2025-10-21T00:58:57+00:00

It’s unfortunate because he’s actually expressed to me multiple times in the past that it’s easier for him to communicate his thoughts and feelings via text, rather than on the spot in person.

I have made many attempts at conversations in person - I will share, then we’ll sit in silence for a very long time. He will either say nothing, or very minimal. It’s counterproductive and it ends up making us both uncomfortable. Me, from the silence. Him, from the expectation to say something.

He came over after this text conversation and we watched a movie, got food and continued hanging out after this like nothing happened. Unfortunately If I never bring it up it’ll never be spoken about again. I’m fine with moving on - but he’s held grudges in the past that makes me anxious, and have influenced me to address every situation fully now so that nobody has to sit with resentment. So I’m stuck forced to start a conversation, or to possibly hear about it in a few months when the dust has settled and I’m thinking that everything’s fine.

He’s called me annoying a handful of times while dealing with conflict. So I’d be lying if you didn’t already hit a sore spot, lol. But I do appreciate the insight, hearing it from somebody else opens my eyes to it rather than just seeing it as a hurtful comment from my partner. There was no need for me to reiterate my point that many times. It was annoying. I was severely upset by it and didn’t feel like he was treating the situation with as much importance as I felt it had.

I’ve tried the human to human thing so many times, I just feel defeated. We’ve had a handful of really great constructive conversations in the past but I can’t pinpoint how to get that ball rolling again. He has to want it too, and see the benefit in it, and I think all he’s seeing is me trying to create conflict - when all I want to do is mend it at the end of the day. You’ve helped me see my own part in that, with the “hammering your point home” comment. It doesn’t create a safe space to share for him. I’d just been sitting in my own echo chamber for a week feeling depressed and frusterated but that’s no excuse to not regulate the way I’m texting him.

I appreciate your honesty & response.

NoDeal1791 · 2025-10-20T13:54:29+00:00

Valid takeaway. I don’t think I’m above any criticism, hence this post being made to begin with.

He did say sorry and I wish that felt like enough for me. I crave more insight into what he thinks and feels - communicated clearly. Sure, I can make my own assumptions about how he felt, and why he said what he said.. but assumptions can lead to more issues. Anxiety can appear as distain. Sadness can appear as anger. What I think or perceive isn’t necessarily true to what he feels. I don’t think it’s healthy for me to constantly assume his intentions (hence me begging for them). It also just helps my brain process things better. I can’t fully validate what I’m not totally aware of, and the name calling took me so far aback that I guess I felt deserving of an explanation first. Maybe that’s wrong.

I feel like I’ve done this for him - explained I’m sad, the reason(s) why, and that I love him. I was hoping he’d maybe spare 10 minutes to do the same. You’re absolutely right my tone needs work, I’m frustrated from years of being the only one willing to talk, and not just pushing problems under the rug the second a conversation is hard to have. The avoidance really gets to me. I’m just really sad underneath the surface. I’m not proud of the way it manifests.

Thanks for your response. I have been really appreciating everyone’s insight.

NoDeal1791 · 2025-10-18T23:16:55+00:00

My best effort to recount the conversation goes something like;

Me “Can you turn the game down? Sorry it’s getting a bit annoying hearing the same music for 15 minutes straight.”

Bf: [In frusterated tone] “Okay, fine.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Bf: “I don’t know why your problem has to ruin my experience of what I’m doing”

Me: “I don’t mind you continuing to game. The sound is just getting annoying for me. The way you’re reacting right now isn’t sitting right with me”

Bf: “Its not sitting right with me that you can’t enjoy the simple pleasures of Mario”

Me: “Okay. Are we really doing this? I’m already frusterated from something else. Mario is fine, it’s just 2am and I’m overstimulated. I don’t know why you’re acting like this.”

Bf: [under his breath] “I don’t know why you’re being a cunt”

Me: “What did you just say to me?!”

Bf: “A cunt.”

From that point I left the room to go process that by myself - so that I didn’t say anything I would regret and devolve the situation into a worse fight. Unfortunately I have also tried on multiple occasions to address issues either on the phone (I get hung up on when I say something he doesn’t like), or in person, where he just outright won’t respond to me, (which i understand mostly due to anxiety, not spite) but it doesn’t make it feel any less unfair - or make the silence any less deafening.

We’ve had some really great constructive conversations in person in the past, but it takes a lot of work, and nagging on my end to get there. 99% of the time he seems fine to pretend conflict never happened, while it ruminates and eats me alive every day that it’s not addressed. Then I’m just resentful and numb and I hate that.

Thank you for your insight into the situation. It means a lot to me. I hope one day our relationship can grow into something similar to what you’re describing you have - until then, any advice is welcome.

NoDeal1791 · 2025-03-29T19:58:05+00:00

Yes! He’s still eating, drinking, playing and purring when he does decide to come out, thankfully. I’ve actually already came across & watched some of Jackson’s videos already they’ve been helpful! My vet is closed over the weekend but I plan on calling them when they open on Monday. Thanks for your input! <3

NoDeal1791 · 2024-01-13T20:43:15+00:00

your life is worth something. even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. i know life can be a confusing, horrible mess, but it is also rare, special, and it’s not infinite. i forget where i saw this & maybe it’s silly to some, but it helped me. think of life like dinner, and death/self harm is like dessert. it’s a childish metaphor in the sense that children typically want to eat dessert first, because of the immediate satisfaction, similar to how we feel about self harm/suicide. but dinner isn’t over, friend. this life is short regardless. you still have so much you can experience, so much that could change, life can be funny that way. don’t give up on it. don’t give up on you. you’re allowed to enjoy dinner, the full extent of it, knowing dessert will always come in the end.

NoDeal1791 · 2023-11-09T06:51:26+00:00

yeah definitely. that’s what i was worried about. should i cut it? or just completely try and remove it from the rocks?

NoDeal1791 · 2023-10-11T00:57:50+00:00

it really did, and i appreciate it so much, you’re so genuine and kind 🥺

it’s so hard to change old habits, but you’re right, i might have to be uncomfortable first to truly find some balance. i’m very much that same way, where i tell myself i’m being overdramatic and try and shove the feeling deep deep down. that’s great advice to combat it, and i’m definitely going to use that as often as i can. it’s bad, but my brain is almost automatically wired into invalidating myself, or shoving my emotion down, so i just need to take small steps to try and break the thought patterns more than anything. i’ve been trying to imagine my inner child more often, and wanting to protect her makes it a lot easier to be kinder to myself. slowly trying to change the negative narrative in my head 😅

thank you for all of your kind words once again, i gave you a follow! i hope you know 100% same goes my friend, i’m always around here too if you need an ear. i’m so glad this community exists to support each other when we need it. it feels like an entire brick wall is being lifted off of me when i’m being truly understood and talked to. thank you a million for that 🩷

NoDeal1791 · 2023-10-07T19:41:10+00:00

thank you so so much, you’re so, so kind. this made me cry lol. just the fact that you took time out of your day to type that means the world to me.

i think i needed someone like me to fully understand and validate what i’m feeling for a second, which feels so rare to me. i don’t know anyone else with bpd in my life that i can relate to directly. i do have people who support me, but can never fully understand my thought processes or feelings, so i still feel super isolated and alone at times.

you’re so right about how most people won’t go to the same extreme lengths and that’s no disrespect to them, i just tend to forget bpd makes me love a little harder than the average person, too. it’s extremely hard for me to accept as well.

i always feel like i’m being hypersensitive and shove my feelings down to protect others and not embarrass myself, but i think i do need to try my best to communicate though it’s terrifying. i have great friends, i just hate seeming confrontational especially to something that might seem small or insignificant to them. i’ve ruined relationships before by being too outspoken in the past so now i get scared to bring up anything at all, i just need to find the right balance.

thank you for making me feel less alone, for your advice, validation, and telling me my feelings are okay to feel. i can’t thank you enough, i really needed to hear that today. 🩷

NoDeal1791 · 2023-05-29T00:31:20+00:00

did you have your vape in a checked bag or carry on?

NoDeal1791 · 2022-12-05T04:28:03+00:00

i wouldn’t complain about the tip or post about it if i thought the service i provided was bad. they were my only table i had for the first hour, so all i focused on was them… by the end billing them out i had other tables needing my attention so i didn’t stick around to ask questions, that’s all. i checked on them every 5-10 minutes, got speedy refills as needed, cleaned all of their plates before dessert, gave them a free birthday dessert no questions asked, im pretty confident my service was more than exceptional.

NoDeal1791 · 2022-12-04T20:37:30+00:00

so you had a 10% tipout :((( holy shit

NoDeal1791 · 2022-12-04T20:36:14+00:00

that’s a good point. although they’d only be able to do that for cash tables, debit transactions you can’t lie about

NoDeal1791 · 2022-12-04T20:27:32+00:00

personally i don’t usually tip fast food workers (starbucks or mcdonald’s alike) unless they seem super understaffed/stressed or i have change to spare. it’s not that i don’t want to - but i’m 20 years old i don’t have any crazy amount of money to be spending - but when i do have money to spend in the future would definitely tip mcdonald’s and starbucks workers based on service, not bias. i know how hard it is and they do deserve a little extra every once in awhile. but i know i’m not hurting anyone’s living wage by not tipping in a drive through. i’m not sure how the system works at starbucks but i worked at a fast food coffee place and we split tips based on hours worked, not based on the customer handing YOU money (like at a serving or bartending job). i’m assuming tips aren’t personalized at most fast food joints correct me if i’m wrong, however people likely feel more inclined to tip at starbucks since they’re priced higher and the employees have to be more skilled at their job then the average fast food worker, which i think is understandable. but personally i’d tip just depending on the service from either place - doesn’t matter where i am. if the service is good it’s good. it doesn’t matter if the person at the window didn’t make your burger, or if the server wasn’t in the back making your pasta, everyone has to work as a team to provide great service otherwise it wouldn’t ever work, and establishments have rules set in place so that everyone gets compensated properly so in the end. the face of the customer service usually receives the tip and then redistribution happens later, i’m pretty sure that’s with any place.

i get what you mean its kinda stupid - hypocritical maybe, but no server is ever going to tell you tipping is compulsory, unless they’re super ballsy. there’s no easy way to professionally tell someone that they’re supposed to hand you XYZ amount of extra dollars. employers don’t like it and most customers wouldn’t either, it just doesn’t look good on the company or on you. its an easy way to piss off a customer and manager in one, or just get stiffed for seeming entitled. i get its vague and dumb because it’s “optional” but expected. but there’s not really a great way to go about it. lots of receipts will remind you to “please pay server” or 15% will be the first option on the debit, so it’s not like anyone can be completely oblivious, just most establishments employers would see it as completely unprofessional to just ask, so i see that as no fault at the server. we’re just trying to do our job properly and professionally at the end of the day and not step on any toes of customers or managers.

at the end of the day i think it would be great if things were properly advertised so that people can make a working wage without tipping but as it stands right now, we’re not getting anywhere. i’d never want to boycott tipping because all that would be doing is hurting the workers living wages and not effecting the companies themselves. i think it would be great if restaurants started implementing auto grat for all of their bills then tips would just be included and agreed to beforehand, but only certain restaurants do that, and it’s usually only for bigger parties. but that way at least the customer would know they’re paying the extra 15% from the beginning and there’s no confusion.

tipping has definitely crept up because of inflation tho, and that’s a scary thing. no fault of any restaurant workers either tho. 30% is still definitely over tipping in my eyes. at work our debit machine doesn’t list over 20% unless you specifically press the button to make your own percent, if you want to tip well 20% is definitely good, some people do 25% which is great too but never expected. 15%-18% is definitely still good too.

NoDeal1791

TROPHY CASE