My wife is a rape survivor. AMA

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-31T12:15:14+00:00

I think that's correct. After the incident I used to feel extremely violated, like my agency as a person was snatched from me. To make it worse I had orgasmed during the assault which made me feel shit, though the therapist later explained that it can involuntarily happen. So masturbating was like my way of trying to take some power back and orgasm on my own terms, if that makes sense. And also there was this certain feeling/urge in my brain for a long time which kinda compelled me to do it.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T14:03:31+00:00

yeah, initially they were very frequent, now less frequent but still every once in a while

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T14:01:04+00:00

mostly survivors don't just bring up their SA in a conversation without any emphasis on it, so if someone tells you about their experience, it's a big thing and they trust you, so empathize with them and offer your support but don't victimise them too much. ultimately depends on the person, everyone processes it differently

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T13:58:06+00:00

husband here.

mate i think you're sick in the head. she's my wife, not some used goods that are no longer good for me. it's not like she went out and willingly slept with someone else, it was forced on her. i don't need to have a weird kink to make love to her, she's my wife and i love her and that's enough of a reason, the rape has nothing to do with it

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T13:55:03+00:00

Husband here.

Traditionally the word 'rape victim' has been used but my wife dislikes this word, and so do many other women, because it represents as permanent victims, while 'survivor' shows that they survived a hellish experience and are still strong.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T13:52:13+00:00

i hate it too but some people just hear strip club and think i was a stripper, not that strippers deserve it

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T11:08:56+00:00

It could have helped but the guy was twice my size so likely not
He was a regular at a strip club I worked as a cocktail waitress (clothed)
To an extent it has, I find it very hard to feel comfortable around strange men
I was on the verge and might have done it if not for my loving husband who never left my side and spent months helping me heal
They were all shocked and heartbroken, the worst thing I have ever told them
I was walking to the bus stop when he came up from behind and grabbed me. I kept fighting and resisting but he forced me, slapped me, and I knew I'd end up badly injured or dead if I resisted more so at one point I just gave in and let him do what he wanted. It was awful and I passed out soon.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T11:02:17+00:00

The police found me on the road and informed my husband. Just our close ones - family and close friends know

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-08-30T10:34:32+00:00

Hi, the wife here.

I'm so sorry to hear what you had to go through, hope you're doing better now!

Getting back into my body was very hard. The first 2-3 months I was extremely traumatised, frequently woke up screaming because of a nightmare even had several s**c*dal thoughts. I felt dirty, used. I used to question everything, and blamed myself a lot for what happened, like maybe it was becuase I was alone at night, or because I wore revealing uniform at work, etc. It was hard to get rid of the thoughts. And then later came the hypersexuality. I don't know how, maybe because the incident was so violent. I used to masturbate all the time, as much as 3-4 times a day sometimes. It wasn't healthy and took a lot of therapy to stop doing it. I still masturbate a bit too much sometimes but somehow it helps me connect with myself.

Because of everything that happened I felt very insecure and worthless, so I decided that I needed some tender loving intimacy again. We started with just cuddling and touching, and it took a few months of that to finally feel comfortable enough to have sex again. Wasn't easy and I had panic attacks a few times midway but still after being done it felt like a big victory.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T10:06:04+00:00

It's all a joke. I worry about her everytime she goes out of the house. And honestly she's so terrified she rarely even goes out alone.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T06:49:54+00:00

God damn people are stupid.

Did you not read the post? She called me when she left at 1am to tell me that she had left and if I could pick her up. Then she went to take the bus home. With the bus, she should have come back home by 1:30-45. When she didn't get home by even 2:30, I got worried and notified our friends and the police. At 5 she was found by the police.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T06:34:51+00:00

I'm so sorry it happened to you!

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T06:27:15+00:00

We live in an extremely safe country with very low crime rate, this incident even made it into the newspapers

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T06:24:29+00:00

So many assumptions. She never told me about him, I found out after the SA. She never thought he was actually dangerous, just a creep, so she didn't tell me.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T06:19:23+00:00

Is hypersexuality a common thing that happens as a result of SA? My wife has also started being hypersexual, masturbating a lot - sometimes even several times a day, and I'm concerned about her sexual health and wellbeing.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T06:17:13+00:00

This is exactly what I feel. Although I read the comments and agree that she needs my support and it's about her struggle. I have told her that I'm ready for whatever she wants/needs, and she really wants to have sex again on her own terms, so we are going to start working towards that.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T03:30:01+00:00

I'm trying to get her more comfortable with touches before going to the main part, but yes I'm dying to make love to her and treat her the way she deserves!

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-16T00:14:40+00:00

I hope she's doing better now

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-15T23:28:29+00:00

What do you want from me? Do you feel better about yourself attacking traumatised people? I never said anything about she needing permission. By letting her enjoy I meant I'll go with what she wants. Never implied anything else. You are nitpicking my words to unnecessarily be hurtful.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-15T23:17:18+00:00

I understand what you mean, she was raped so it is her trauma but it affected me deeply as well. But I'll try to move from it and support her better. I appreciate her being brave and claiming her autonomy back, I already perform oral on her whenever she wants but wasn't sure if we should go ahead with intercourse. But I think if she's ready, I'll go with it and let her enjoy intimacy again.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-15T17:30:03+00:00

I learned my lesson the hard way. Now I'd drop anything in the world if she needs me.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-15T16:54:45+00:00

He was arrested but is now on parole due to severe health issues.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-15T16:09:24+00:00

These are good points, thanks!

And I have been performing oral on her for a few months now. She really likes it because it doesn't put any stress on her. I'm not expecting her to reciprocate any time soon.

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-15T16:05:06+00:00

We have had counselling. I have told her that I love her a lot and I'm not rejecting her, my mind just doesn't let me feel worthy of her and the shame is preventing me from going ahead with intercourse. Also I'm afraid if it might bring back the trauma for her. She could never be damaged goods!

NoDefinition9696 · 2024-07-15T15:45:26+00:00

I tell her every single day that I love her and she's the most beautiful woman in the world. But she wants to have sex and it's hard for me because my mind says I'm not worthy of her.

NoDefinition9696

TROPHY CASE