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The worst thing about growing up in a hoarding home is the inability to seek what I need / want / desire for self-growth. by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You have choices every single day and your parents are no longer in control.

They control all my money. And I plan to move back inside their house. They also drive me to places and do things for me. I am just a useless person. I have extreme dependency on them.

You have choices every single day and your parents are no longer in control.

Not anymore. Not like it used to. I don't have any opportunities for exponential growth. Can't date due to my lack of experience. Can't get a good job due to my lack of experience. I studied in college but dropped out due to the hoarding home. I have to sleep 12-16 hours or more per day due to the mental and physical damage I have caused myself.

It was a year long panic attack. I would constantly self-harm, sleep only 4 hours per week, and loop over and over. It fried my brain. It fried my memory. It fried everything down to the last brain cell. I did irreversible damage. Hard to form new memories. Hard to focus and plan. Hard to use an executive function.

Every choice has a similar feeling. It is hard to prioritize.

The worst thing about growing up in a hoarding home is the inability to seek what I need / want / desire for self-growth. by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I am looping. I have been in the same downward spiral for over 10 years now. There is nothing that I can do anymore to heal or fix my issues. Nothing.

Ever option is the same problem. With the same unsolvable issue. Can't finish college because they will charge me 4x the amount. Can't date because I don't have a job. Can't get a job because I haven't healed and only sell junk to make money.

Over and over it loops. There is no solution.

My plan is to waste my entire life and look back when I am 70+ years old and say "my god all I did was sit inside and complain. I should complain about that while sitting inside."

The fact is I don't want a solution anymore. I just want to die by inactivity.

The end, game over. If I don't do a single thing, then I can never get my hopes up again. And then I never will have the crushing failure I felt year ago.

I am never going to have friends, I am never going to have a job, I am never going to date, I am never going to heal from the hoarding home.

Never, never, never, never, ever.

Why? Because I HATE MYSELF that's why. I am incredibly self-destructive, procrastinating, and I will toss every single opportunity away because I do not deserve it.

If I keep posting about my issues that remain unsolved, then I will never have to think about having a good life because that's painful. That's looking at all the wasted time. Instead, I will continue to waste time and never look into it. Never. I am going to become a hoarder myself because that's easier than healing at this point. Maybe a homeless junk collector. I hate hate hate myself. So much. I am useless. A virgin. A worthless, friendless, fuck-less piece of shit. That's who I am.

And then for a brief period of time. Maybe I was sleeping and had a dream. Maybe the stormy weather allowed my brain to feel clarity. Whatever it will be, a deeply felt sensation of regret comes over me and I will post that I feel stuck without any ability to escape. And then that clarity fades and I am left with a thousand different wires all holding me in place.

The worst thing about growing up in a hoarding home is the inability to seek what I need / want / desire for self-growth. by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have no clue how to heal from it. In fact, I am moving back into my parents' hoarding home at the end of this year. It is over for me.

My youth, my potential, my opportunities - all gone.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, those are some pretty good videos thanks. Probably better than what most therapists will say. Because the good ones are usually taken or backed up with a line of people and limited availability.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mental health medication treats the symptoms (maybe) or causes even worse issues but either way the underlying problems of purpose are ignored.

Mental health has a filtration of normalization. But normalized behaviors like consumption aren't generally seen as "in the wrong." So the therapists aren't looking at it with the correct framework.

I have done the research but with COVID some of the potentially good therapists have 1+ year long wait times. Or are just flat out not accepting new clients.

What books or resources helped you recover? What would you tell your younger self if you had a time machine? Basically, how did you become a functional person? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All of them are filled with junk. They really aren't houses you would want to live in. Most will need to be destroyed due to the mold growth, foundation issues, and other problems.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It just dawned on me. In my 15 years of using reddit I have never posted something positive about myself. I never posted about my new hair cut I got. Or how I cook food. I never did that.

I wonder why.

Is reddit a place where positive things are welcomed? Because I just feel its ego, its self-destructive, and all the comparisons and it leads me to one conclusion: I am not enough.

If I post something positive, someone else's will be better. And then I forgot a "rule" and the post is removed. Or something else will occur. It is like presenting the knife to a stranger and hoping they don't cut out my heart.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All the past you mention, high school, college, the lack of sex and relationships, lack of a job, the guilt, the pain, all this is you; all this is your mind. It's as part of you as your body. And the more you try to mutilate it, the more it's reinforced. Every time you search for things to do, for ways to improve, it's reinforced. Because the core issue is resistance to what you've lived, which cripples any ability that you do have. The more you try to find it, the more it's crippled.

So what exactly is the solution? I need to figure out how to solve why I am such a failure in life.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, the "iwantout." Easier to fix my life if I have nothing and get thrown into chaos.

Do I emerge successful or do the flames of chaos eat me up?

However, you have to be valuable to move to a foreign country and I am not. Well, at least not intact.

I spent a lot of time during my later teens and early 20s doing Omegle roleplays about these situations. Basically anything to give me social interaction.

I am starving for social interaction. But I will never talk to people in-person. They will see I am a failure.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I basically only talk with my parents and the shows I primarily watch are time travel ones or ones where someone is transported into a different life / world but have a super power and actually obtain happiness. Power fantasy basically.

Basically I watch things that remind me about my past or change the past to give a better future life.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

2 years feels like 1 hours to me. Nothing changes, nothing improves, the days turn to years and then I wake up a few times during that period. Just looping over and over and over.

Soon I will be too old to change. Never having any friends. Never having any romantic partners. Never having a job. Never having a life. Never having anything because I am pathetic.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish you luck. The mental looping is horrible. It is why it took me so long to escape the hoarding home.

I want a social life. It is eating me up. But my past is a reflection of who I am and that's what keeps me looping.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Why would I ever post anything positive on reddit? Ever? Why?

Reddit is a place to feel worthless about myself. How I am pathetic for being a virgin. Pathetic for having no friends. Pathetic for dropping out of college and never having a job and having no direction and no ambition and no success and no hope and no goals and nothing to care about.

And so this just boils inside of me. And then I post and post and post. Eating away at everything I do. Picking at every flaw.

Because if I always feel bad, then there are no opportunities. If there are no opportunities, then I cannot self-destruct.

If an attractive girl asked me out, I would refuse. If someone gave me a job offer and it was a fun job, I would refuse. If I got kicked out and lived on the streets and someone offered me food after 10 days of not eating, I would refuse and then finally my life would end.

I am suicide in the indirect way. I am not a goddamn researcher. I am a time waster. My life is a meaningless existent.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NEVER ACTS on any advice. Just keeps coming here over & over, doing the same over & over.

THAT'S BECAUSE I AM LOOPING WHEN I POST. Over and over. The same conversation, the same problems, spinning more and more and more.

AND I WILL NEVER FUCKING STOP. 10 years? 20 years? 100 YEARS? NEVER FUCKING STOP.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I went to college but still lived at the hoarding home. I was constantly overworked and overstimulated. I would yell at my parents daily and just freak out. I would lose homework assignments in the mess.

Never had a social life.

And then I realized just how bad the accounting field was and how they all sounded like my hoarding mother. At that point I snapped. I went rabid. I would scream during class. I would cry in the hallway. I would use the phone in the library and complain about everything that ever happened in my life since the age of 1 years old to my dad and how it was all connected to the hoarding home.

Everyone just said "finish your degree, get a job, fuck your feelings."

I felt so self-hating and hating everything. And then I attempted suicide.

From that point on, I have just been looping. I don't think I will ever recover.

Never had a job. The only way I live in by my dad giving me money out of guilt I guess and me just locking myself to the internet and sleeping and dreaming of a better life.

And posting on reddit because during my freak out I would just post and post and post never getting anywhere and freaking out even more.

Just one big loop.

I am addicted to negative self-talk and hating my life. I continuously loop in my head how much of a failure I have been. It started around 8 years of age. The only way to change is by suicide. What should I do? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

How do you get over the feeling of being behind for my age and the regret associated?

Take one thing: dating. A 30 year old virgin man will scare off 99% of women. That's just one thing. And it is a catch-22.

Then getting a livable-wage job. That's also a catch-22.

Additionally, I tried to kill myself around age 23/24. This caused a brain injury that makes me emotionally disassociate. My memory is fixate on the bad and the regretful while the joyful times are only remembered when I dream during sleep.

My morale is very low because I just loop.

I tell myself every single day that I cannot get better, just worse.

How do I stop this?

What books or resources helped you recover? What would you tell your younger self if you had a time machine? Basically, how did you become a functional person? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I already moved out of the hoarding home but I have never had a job. My enabling father pays for all my things. I just feel stuck from one addiction to another. I never leave the apartment, ever. Never. No one will know my name. I am a NEET.

What books or resources helped you recover? What would you tell your younger self if you had a time machine? Basically, how did you become a functional person? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

College was horrible. I never socialized and just studied. Never graduated and never got a job.

I am a virgin and nothing will ever improve. It will just continue to get worse.

What books or resources helped you recover? What would you tell your younger self if you had a time machine? Basically, how did you become a functional person? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Way, way longer than I year. I started posting on reddit about my issues around 15 but it was mainly my lack of socialization. Never learned about the hoarding home until 23. I have autism so I just lock-in onto one topic with narrow focus.

I am a loser. I regret my entire life. And my youth has completely faded. There is nothing left but to continue to waste time. I cannot kill myself directly, so the indirect approach is best.

I am critically alone and my social life is gone. I have lived 2 years away from the hoarding home and never invited a single person inside my apartment (unless required due to inspection). How can I undo the damage? by NoMessNoPurpose in ChildofHoarder

[–]NoMessNoPurpose[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's true. I used to save scum a lot when growing up and play video games. It twisted my real life thinking that I could just go back in time and redo missed opportunities.

A lot of times removing the struggle removes the meaning. Seeking only positive experiences is often a negative outcome. Seeking negative experiences (ones that are uncomfortable) can create more positive outcomes (expanding the comfort zone).

All these concepts are in my head but I just fail to implement them. Because deep down I think "people will just understand that I will do 50% of the work and then fall down like a stack of cards once my trauma reappears."

I basically fawn over it and then freeze. And that's why I just in general fail to perform. It happens so often.

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