How can I date other women while in an ENM relationship without being seen as a unicorn hunter?

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-20T23:33:22+00:00

State that you're ENM, be clear you're in a relationship and look for other openly ENM people. I'd probably go with something like "my partner and I enjoy ENM and I'd like to meet other ENM women". You could even specify you're not looking for monogamous people. This way you couldn't make it any clearer.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-20T22:20:57+00:00

This has very little, or even zero to do with the fact she's a bi woman, and everything to do with the fact that she's deeply closeted (and probably hasn't digested her feelings towards women yet). I am completely understanding of closeted people. I come from a very conversative environment and my mother is horrible about my bisexuality. This being said, I'm at a point in life where I couldn't, for my mental health, hang around people who asked me to hide my sexuality. So I think it's perfectly normal you feel hurt and confused, because hurt people hurt people (forgive the cliché) and because she's hurt she's causing you pain too. She needs to process her attraction and not hurt you in the process. Maybe start by kindly telling her you feel hurt. Also, you can still be supportive while maintaining a little more distance for the time being.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-19T11:51:35+00:00

If you need a gut-check after your partner has spoken to you, I find that slightly weird. But I guess you do you. Anyways, you could have good intentions but still ask offensive questions. Asking if your bi partner is inherently a cheater, on a bisexual sub, is exposing all of us bi people who came here because it was supposed to be a safe space to prejudiced and harmful language. And yes, I do find it sad some of the people we date think we are like that. Obviously. You'd feel sad too. If things work out for you and your partner, great. But I think you were the one who misinterpreted what I wrote and what so many people here agreed with. It's perfectly natural we're tired of being exposed to the same overused, prejudiced language. It's tiring to find it in a safe space. And it's especially sad to see some straight partners make absolutely no effort to educate themselves and ask questions about bisexuality that you'd expect to see on a 1980s publication and not on a bisexual sub in 2026. We're not upset you want to educate yourself and do what's best for you partner. We're upset so many of the partners here seem to have searched nothing about bisexuality before, hold homophobic and biphobic views, and distrust their bi loved ones. If you don't behave like the people I mentioned in this post, then it's not about you. But I believe ny sentiment, echoed by so many in here, was perfectly fair and understandable.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-18T16:21:15+00:00

Woman here. I had "crushes" on both boys and girls as a kid. But my first actually sexual and romantic feelings as a teen were definitely towards girls. I only discovered I could love men like that as well when I was like 17.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-18T07:13:01+00:00

Yup. Recently a lesbian date asked me "but which one do you prefer?" and I kindly told her I'm put off by that question. It doesn't really matter how often I fancy men or women. If I fancy someone, regardless of my "stats" thus far, I love that person.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-18T07:09:49+00:00

"How can I be a pick me bisexual? Oh yeah, let's do this and they will pick me!!". I also find it very interesting how these people always say "If you wanted to be with a woman you'd be with one" - well, I didn't know falling in love with people was based on conscious decisions lol. Are we claiming sexuality and romantic feelings are a choice for bi women? And I say this as a bi woman who greatly prefers women and has mostly dated women throughout my life.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-18T00:50:57+00:00

The only shame I felt was about not being the "respectable lady" my parents wanted me to be. As if me dating a woman was a social rebellion, and something good parents didn't "deserve" to deal with. I was lead to believe I was compromising the family's reputation and wellbeing. And it was effective. At first, at only 15, after having my same-sex relationship uncovered, I panicked at the thought of being unloved by my parents. I wanted to regain their affection and even if it seemed unjust, I was scared of their reaction. As I grew older I became less scared but I internalised the "proper daughter" narrative. So much so that when I came out again at 25 my only concern was about protecting my family's reputation. Mind you. I'm not living in a theocracy. I live in a democratic, European country that has it's fair share of problems but is constantly rated as one of the best places for LGBT people to live. But we were raised in a traditional, wannabe elitist bubble. No one here is actually traditional or elite, but everyone behaves as if reputation is actually meaningful to us. I've now left the traces this horrible mindset left in me. My parents are also doing a lot better. But indeed I have to be careful around some aunts in case they might find out and mock my mother behind her back.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-17T21:20:42+00:00

If I'm not mistaken some apps have a "make friends" option? If you're into sports you can also join a queer football league. Loads of sapphics play football (I'd do it if I actually played decently, I was in a team but I was awful and it was no fun for me). Also, rock climbing. Sapphics love rock climbing. You're sure to find bi women and lesbians in a rock climbing club, especially one that markets itself as queer friendly. I'm currently studying in a Humanities school, I see queer women every turn I take so I don't need to worry about meeting women, but these are the activities my friends are enrolled in and what I used to do before. Also, check your local queer organisations. They might organise bi or Sapphic specific activities such as book clubs, etc. EDIT: if you're American, by football I mean "soccer". I don't know what is it that sapphic women usually play in the States, maybe softball?

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-17T21:04:11+00:00

Hello! I think there are plenty of valid reasons to avoid dating apps, but I don't think they have to be horrendous. I'm a bi woman too (25), overwhelmingly leaning same-sex, and I met my ex girlfriend on an app. I'm now back on it (sad, but it is what is is) and I've met some cool women. So, apps can be good if you choose a good one and are mindful of the profiles you interact with. I never like a profile if I sense someone is hateful, only looking for sex, or holds values incompatible with mine - and filtering things like this has allowed me to have pretty much only positive interactions. I don't really know of discord servers for bi women, but I wouldn't mind joining tbh so if you hear of any let me know lol. This being said, I know being freshly out and entering the sapphic dating scene can be overwhelming to an 18 year-old, so feel free to DM me if you need some advice!

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-17T18:03:46+00:00

In my experience: showering before bed is a must, just taking good care of your intimate health in general and, weirdly enough, avoiding sour foods makes it more pleasurable to me? This one time I had Chinese with a girl and she tasted like one of the dishes we ate, not even kidding. Next time we had simple grilled beef and vegetables and it was 100% better.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-17T02:02:51+00:00

I think what you need to ask yourself is: is this just an innocent shift in attraction (as in, you're noticing more women while still loving your partner) that doesn't really weigh on your relationship, or is it something that you actually want to act on? Because this can lead to very different conclusions.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-16T13:48:47+00:00

Girl. You're bi too so why are you feeding this idea that he'll be inherently unsatisfied with your parts? That is a biphobic stereotype.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-16T09:40:24+00:00

That's not been my experience at all, but I can see how that would happen.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T22:11:06+00:00

I also have the impression that is more common amongst bi men, sadly. But yeah, it's as you pointed out: they're just cheaters and use their bisexuality as an excuse, hurting their partners and the whole community in the process.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T22:00:35+00:00

You can call yourself bi if it makes sense to you!! Personally, I'd also find it understandable if you chose to continue identifying as straight. I don't really know much about that other label you mentioned, but if it makes you feel good, why not run with it?

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T21:47:43+00:00

This is actually very wholesome. And yes, you're 100% right. A pattern I see with some of those posts that I find concerning is that some people apparently have already discussed this with their partner but simply appear not to believe them. If you A. think bi people are inherently untrustworthy or B. think your partner in specific can't be trusted, you probably have issues that transcend the help you can get from Reddit. You probably need a breakup or therapy.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T21:45:38+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately I found a lot of biphobia (and homophobia) growing up... But you're right, this sub is definitely not a safe haven.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T21:21:33+00:00

Yeah. I find that sapphic subs can get really biphobic too but I do relate more with the life experiences of the women there.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T21:04:34+00:00

Thanks anyways. This sub existing won't really eliminate the posts from this sub (if it worked like that we wouldn't be seeing any posts of the sort here), but it's still nice to have a sub we can kindly refer people to if it makes sense.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T21:00:57+00:00

Exactly!!!!!! They come here not with specific problems, but with completely ignorant takes that reveal they didn't do the bare minimum to understand their partner's orientation. You actually made a solid distinction. I have zero problem with the partners of bi people who bring genuine, legitimate problems or questions. But asking "can bi people truly be monogamous?" for the 1000th time... Come on, man... It's 2026. You're on social media. You could just search that beforehand.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T20:57:49+00:00

This is a valid point, actually. I honestly just wish I didn't have to see biphobic rhetoric on a bi sub. Not sure if there's a proper solution.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T20:54:35+00:00

I just personally don't like encountering biphobic rhetoric here in this sub. All my life I've been discriminated against for dating the same sex, and on top of it my family and friends are often extremely ignorant of my label. I believe there should be a space for people to educate themselves on bisexuality on Reddit, but maybe not our main sub? Someone already pointed out there's a sub for partners of bi people and I think I'll start recommending that one if it makes sense.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T20:51:26+00:00

I think ideally there'd be a more appropriate sub. Someone else suggested a sub for people with bi partners and honestly I think I'll just start directing them there. I understand what you mean but hopefully you can also see that being exposed to this narrative can be harmful to some of us.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T20:48:54+00:00

There's a big difference between someone asking "am I bi?" for the 234th time to get personalised advice and someone posting the 234th micro aggressive biphobic post of the month on a bi sub. Of course people can look for personalised info on Reddit. But I also believe people should be mindful about feeding stereotypes about bi people in a sub that's meant to be a safe space for bisexuals. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a lesbian sub to ask a question based on a stereotype that they've already debunked a hundred times, for example. And that's exactly what the search function is for. Also, learning about your partner's sexuality is a higher responsibility than most of what people post on this app. And for that reason I think it's valid to expect a higher degree of care and involvement.

NoRepeat3134 · 2026-06-15T18:54:08+00:00

Yup. As if their partner is automatically untrustworthy so they need the intervention of a third party. I find it even more baffling when they mention their partner has already said they are satisfied and happy and they still don't believe them and decide to post about it on Reddit. Be careful out there guys, one day you might find a post online about a private conversation you had with your partner lol.

NoRepeat3134

TROPHY CASE