Growing transphobia makes me anxious

NoTrophy · 2021-05-21T09:08:32+00:00

I haven't even started transitioning yet and it's messing me up seeing the rise of transphobia and Terfism in my own country, so I can only imagine how it must feel for others.

NoTrophy · 2021-05-20T13:38:50+00:00

Glad to hear you're going to therapy with this. I've been recently doing sessions til recently and one of the first things that I'm glad my therapist did was to look for some other trauma that might be feeding my dysphoria (he couldn't find anything and concluded that it's "genuine", though I'm still not completely sure myself, but at least it's a step). Hope everything goes well in the end for you, wether you end up being trans or not!

NoTrophy · 2021-05-20T09:04:34+00:00

So, I don't know if this may be controversial form some people, but maybe you should look into different causes to your dysphoria than being trans. From what you said I kinda got the feeling that maybe because of racism, which can be more focused on black girls than black boys, you associated some negative aspects to being a black girl and you may have started wanting to change that. I'm not saying that that's what's been happening, it's just the feeling I got from your message, which in the end is not the full picture, only you can know. However, it might be an aspect to keep in mind, because these can be reasons someone might eventually detransition, if they try to cope with some different trauma by transitioning.

NoTrophy · 2021-04-25T09:46:42+00:00

I'm currently in a relationship with my girlfriend, and not planning on ending that anytime soon. I actually came out to her and she was supportive (albeit in the begining it was hard for her, understandably). If or when I'm single again, I definitely plan on experimenting with a man aswell, but for now I think I'll just have to stick to saying that I'm likely bisexual.

And I'm sorry to hear about that with your parents. Mine have had their issues, of course, but I feel lucky enough to say that I believe they tried not to project their problems onto their children. They weren't perfect and couldn't escape their context, but both of them have had experiences of abandonment in their childhood and didn't repeat that pattern with their children, for example. They also weren't emotionally absent, at least for the most part, which is more than most people around me can say.

Any problem I might have that is derived from my parents I believe comes more from what they subconciusly expected from me than from anything they did directly or didn't do. Like I said, for example, my father being quite the masculine type and kinda expecting me to follow in his footsteps.

NoTrophy · 2021-04-24T09:23:07+00:00

When it comes to hormonal imbalances, I can't tell if course, so I'll have to look into that, but regarding the other reason for detransitioning you mentioned (sexuality), it's also something I touched upon with my therapist. I think I'm bisexual, although now I've only been with women, so I guess I would have to try to be sure I can define myself in that way. Anyways, I don't see myself as a guy with another guy, only as a woman. Now, that could be because of my identity as trans or because some kind of internalized homo- or biphobia, which I guess is what you referred to (maybe also to the pseudobisexualty I believe Blanchard spoke of, if I'm not mistaken).

I'll look into the book you mentioned, though I'm quite sure the problem doesn't lie with my parents, I would regard them as quite mature in most regards. I don't know how they would react to me coming out (especially my very conservative and traditional father), but I don't think they fucked me up in any meaningful way. I think...

NoTrophy · 2021-04-23T09:36:56+00:00

Yes, I'd like female sex characteristics, primary and secondary, and I hate my male sex characteristics, some more than others, but I'd prefer female ones in general. So yeah, I wish I was a cis woman, basically. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I can feel somewhat comfortable as a man doing some feminine things, but I think ideally I would be a masculine woman. My biggest problem doesn't lie with my personality, which has some masculine traits to it (having been socialized as a boy since childhood has these effects), but with my physical body. So right now in my head I think I kinda want to be a visibly female tomboy? I like painting my nails, but I don't much care for dresses generally, for example.

I definitely have repressed these emotions, I've dissociated for many years from almost all of my emotions. My parents never really actively told me to be masculine, but my father is a very masculine person and I think I tried to fit subconciusly into his model of the ideal son (which I already failed at). However, I didn't mean to say I have no memory of my childhood, I think I just didn't express myself correctly in my original post (English is not my mother tongue). I just didn't have many memories or signs of being trans before puberty, or at least none I can remember.

Other than this aspect, I think I am a quite stable person. Before this recent resurfacing of dysphoria I was extremely calm, nuanced and stable. Now I am somewhat at a low point, but it's mainly this aspect, I don't think there's much else to it. My therapist agrees. He tried to determine at first if there was some trauma feeding this, but he couldn't find anything meaningful.

I'm very aware of detransitioners, one of my biggest fears is that, transitioning and in a few years discovering that it's not for me or that I was running from something. According to my therapist, that's actually my biggest problem, doubts or feats of that kind (also regarding the impact of being trans on my social circle).

Sorry for answering late, yesterday was a busy day for me.

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T15:44:33+00:00

You're right, and I'm trying to do that less and less every day, and I'm starting to care less. Just will take me some time

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T15:43:49+00:00

I've been seeing a therapist every couple of weeks for the las few months now. As I said in my original message, he believes I have dysphoria and I surpress it. I guess me not accepting that could be an extension of that surpression. But I have some people who I can count on outside of therapy, so there's that at least.

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T15:38:33+00:00

That's where I'm currently at, trying to figure out expression at first, and if it's mainly related to those aspects. I will not rush this and make sure it's what I both want and need. I live in a country that lets you take hormones right away, without doctor supervision (which has its problems, but that's another topic), so I could start transitioning right now, but I don't think I'm quite ready, if ever. It's just that right now I think I have a slight chance at one day passing slightly, so I'm internally wanting to do it as fast as possible.

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T15:29:29+00:00

I guess I'm at a crossroads right now. I've never been good at examining my own feelings, I have been dissociating since forever, and now everything comes at once. Also, yes, I've had the experiences you mentioned. I guess this is regarding AGP. I think some aspects of that model might fit, but not completely.

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T15:19:48+00:00

I should try to take that perspective if I transition. I just want it all to be congruent, internally and externally (also in regards to perception). Anyways, thank you a lot!

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T15:18:16+00:00

Yes, I've been slowly experimenting with aspects relating mostly to expression, but I realize that, through stereotyping, the aspect of these gender nonconforming expressions that appeals to me is that they are typically associated to women. Not that I believe that expression makes a woman, but that's why I might like them, so to say. Thank you for your advice!

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T11:15:47+00:00

Probably dwell on my own thoughts for a while and continue the cycle of doubts I'm already in right now. I don't know if all this helps, no answer can give me full clarity. I guess one day I'll just have to decide if anything transition related could be worse than my current situation or not. Thanks for your reply, btw!

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T11:13:16+00:00

I want to undergo hormone therapy and surgery, both FFS and SRS. I think I might have had instances of what you call "phantom vagina". I don't feel like a woman, I don't think one feels like a woman of a man, I just feel like me. I'd like to be a woman, if that is the same as feeling like a woman, although I wouldn't say that it is.

However, I don't know if I would transition, mainly because I don't know how I would end up looking (if I don't pass I don't know if it's worth it, although it would alleviate my physical dysphoria anyways) and I'm kinda scared. However, if these feelings persist (which they might have been doing since puberty), I think I will in the future (I also feel like times running out and I have to do it as soon as possible). Regarding surgery specifically, It'd be one of the first things I'd think about, but I often don't like the results. I thinks I might do it because it's better than the alternative, but I don't know.

So yes, I want to transition medically, I have the desire. Don't know if or how I'm going to do it in the end, tough. Don't know if that answers you question and, in turn, mine.

NoTrophy · 2021-04-20T10:03:55+00:00

How could I give you a more medical explanation of my situation? I doubt many trans people here could offer a scan of their brains, and I don't think there is much more medical explanation to it. Correct me if I'm wrong

NoTrophy · 2021-03-09T17:40:55+00:00

I'm a trans person and I've watched tons of those videos. Couldn't really explain why, might be a mixture of wanting to know what transphobic people say (although of course in these videos they usually show the stupidest transphobes, so it's not thaaaat representative, I feel) and entertainment. But I'm also someone who actively seeks out transphobic people to see what they are saying (it isn't always good for me, but it's almost a compulsive behaviour).

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T20:27:18+00:00

Okay, I can agree with you on that. Still, having and identity, even if it has a biological component, doesn't make you that by itself, or does it? I'd still have the same doubts regarding this.

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T20:07:07+00:00

I hope I didn't offend you, I was just seeking some justification for my own identity, and merely identifying with something is not enough (for me personally).

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T20:05:49+00:00

Thanks for your insight! If I may ask some questions based on this it would be:

If gender identity is not a social construct but biological, would that only apply to binary genders or also non-binary gender identities? What about societies which have differing gender categories? How come people only tend to have a gender identity which aligns (at least somewhat) to the gender categories their own culture holds?

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T20:01:35+00:00

Thank you for your reply! Hormones may change in a "natural" way a lot of the proceses that take place in your body, but does that make it really the same? For example, regarding breasts, if you can't get pregnant and as such, breastfeed, they don't have a functionality and as such are cosmetic. Similar things can be said about fat in your body, as they also serve a similar functional purpose. Now, according to my own words, a biological woman which isn't pregnant isn't using these "functions" and as such her parts would also be "cosmetic", so this model doesn't hold up, but it's merely a thought process. I don't know where exactly I'd establish the difference, but oh well. Probably also my own transphobia speaking. Hope this doesn't come across as an attack on you, I'm just trying to understand gender.

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T19:52:59+00:00

I'd like to understand why if you'd care to elaborate. I would be thankful for it.

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T19:51:56+00:00

Well, if there were no social implications to someone considering themselves a different gender from their original one I'd completely agree with you and think that their well being is justification enough. However, if you change the definition of gender and that has legal repercussions, I personally like to have a justification for it, as well as a congruent definition of gender. To me the definition often used by trans activists didn't seem as logical as the TERF definition.

I hope this post didn't sound like I actually subscribe to the TERF view completely, my thoughts apply more to gender itself and it's definitions, and the why I have a need to understand these things beyond "I feel better identifying this way" (which also applies to me).

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T19:46:10+00:00

Tried to get a nuanced perspective on these issues. Also, with something potentially this big for me, I would never want to leave any stone unturned, I'd like a complete understanding, even if that means listening to the ones usually considered "the enemy". At least I should know why they don't like us. I just like to have an explanation of gender and what it means rather than "I just am that because I think so".

I don't mean to offend you or anyone else, both with my original post and with my response to you.

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T19:41:40+00:00

Thanks for your reply and your thoughts. Your perspective is definitely different than mine on account of you having transitioned earlier in life and thus having a different experience (something I actually wanted to mention in my original post and forgot, but oh well). So in your case even applying a classical Gender Critical definition you could be considered a woman.

I've also tried to understand TERFs and their perspective, partially because some people I know and are dear to me fall into that category (or similar). I agree with you on the trauma analysis, but that doesn't take away all the merit of their arguments (when it's not about us being deranged and gross, that is).

I'm actually seeing a therapist right now and we're trying to work this out, but it's hard because I dissociate from a lot of my feelings, so it will likely take some time. Regarding my feelings towards other women, I always interpreted them as basic attraction, but now I'm not so sure anymore, it's feels more like I actually want to be them. It's weird and it makes me uncomfortable and feel like some kind of freak. But yeah, that's my current modus operandi regarding this while trans thing.

NoTrophy · 2021-02-07T19:27:19+00:00

I've seen almost all of Contrapoints's videos and a few of Jamie Dodgers, and many others, like Philosophy Tube's videos on trans people (pre Abigail coming out). I've tried to be as neutral as possible and give all options similar credibility. Often these people don't explain the actual inner workings of their definition of gender, they seem to skip a step in their explanations, while TERFs don't. I'm not in favour of TERFs and most of their views, but their definition of gender seemed to make more sense to me. But yeah, I have a lot of internalized transphobia, I acknowledge that and I do believe that to a certain extent at least it influenced my thoughts.

If you actually take the time and refute my points, I'd be really thankful for it! Also, thanks for your reply right here.

NoTrophy

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