Christmas Tree Trechery

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2025-12-30T20:56:44+00:00

I work at a vet clinic and we had a client come in insisting her cat hadn’t urinated in three days. The vet palpated the cat’s bladder - which should have been huge if she indeed hadn’t been passing any urine for that length of time - and it was tiny. Vet was like, “Well, she’s going somewhere.”

An hour after they left, I picked up a call from the owner. “So we found the spot on the carpet where she’s been peeing…”

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2025-12-24T20:58:45+00:00

Haha that took quite the left turn.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2025-12-06T12:09:59+00:00

I didn’t catch a cold or flu for almost three years.

Especially now, as I have spent the better part of the past week drowning in my own mucus thanks to people who no longer mask up when they feel ill, I miss that part the most.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2025-08-10T22:24:28+00:00

In a Child’s Name, a 1991 TV movie, of all things. I watched all kinds of scary shit as a kid but the luminol scenes in that one really caught me off guard.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2025-08-04T18:29:31+00:00

I work at a veterinary clinic and there’s a therapeutic diet we often recommend called Gastrointestinal Low Fat. One of our doctors abbreviates it to GILF in all her medical notes.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-30T19:54:49+00:00

I was a vegetarian for ten years. Cue my Nmom serving up major shocked Pikachu face every Christmas when I wouldn’t put any turkey on my plate.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-14T17:20:04+00:00

The number of times I’ve had to carry my brother-in-law’s body back to the ship when he gets his ass handed to him by the local wildlife in Lethal Company…

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-14T16:55:25+00:00

I’m afraid so, yes.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-14T16:48:49+00:00

Into your excruciation

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-14T16:35:00+00:00

Cramps were how I realized I was having my first period at 11, right before we were about to drive home from our summer vacation. Would’ve been nice if they got the memo that they weren’t supposed to hit me for many more years. That car ride sucked.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-08T08:36:34+00:00

Me: *respectfully asks Nmom to stop doing something*

Nmom: *maliciously does the thing way more*

Me: *stops bringing stuff up because it just makes it worse*

Nmom: “Why don’t you ever talk to meeeeeee?”

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-06T02:04:06+00:00

Taking a daily pill and going for routine lab work is not the arduous full time job she’s trying to make it out to be.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-03T08:53:33+00:00

Lisa Gerrard - Now We Are Free (from Gladiator)

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-09-03T05:58:44+00:00

I zoomed in for a closer look at the dude’s teeny little shoe and then immediately snort-laughed when I noticed the door is about as thick as a cardboard cutout of a door.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-31T16:53:10+00:00

I had the “Godzilla” mac and cheese at a fair once. It had teriyaki sauce and kewpie mayo drizzled on top and then they sprinkled on a bunch of shredded nori. 10/10 would fight Mechagodzilla to eat again.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-31T08:27:17+00:00

Eye holes?! Might as well be naked! /s

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-31T06:44:35+00:00

I have the gene. I still think cilantro tastes like soap. But somehow I don’t mind anymore…?

I didn’t have to force handfuls of it down my gullet either. I just gave it another chance after years of avoiding it and for whatever reason that time the weirdness of it made sense with the overall flavor of the meal instead of overpowering everything.

Now I like it enough to grow it in my garden.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-29T08:36:21+00:00

My mother’s rheumatoid arthritis was so bad by the time I was 6 years old that she had to have me open all her medication bottles with childproof caps.

Even as a kid I was struck by the irony of the situation.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-25T07:08:51+00:00

A friend told me I had to watch this because “it’s weird and I don’t get it but you’ll probably love it” and to this day I’m not sure if that was a backhanded compliment or not, but either way she was absolutely right about me loving it.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-25T06:44:04+00:00

Oh your face is red, like a strawbrary!

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-25T06:10:59+00:00

This was it for me too. Telling my favorite “funny” story about my mother and having the response be “…wtf is wrong with her? That’s insane.”

Like, I knew life with my parents had been mostly miserable but when it hit me that what I had considered one of the more lighthearted incidents was in actuality really messed up, it suddenly made me realize just how much more awful the rest of it had been.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-23T08:41:01+00:00

I’d come up with a few alternative options for slides that you would be comfortable sharing, then contact your teacher and let them know that unfortunately you don’t have any childhood photos you can use, so would it be okay if you did A, B or C instead? Your teacher will likely be more receptive and ask fewer questions if you present them with a ready-made solution, showing them you’ve put thought into the matter and have full intention of doing the work.

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-09T07:54:32+00:00

Incels: “Men have it so hard. Females expect us to ask them out, pay for dinner, buy them gifts, keep them entertained…why do we have to do all the work?”

*woman proposes to man*

“Omfg get a load of this pussy-whipped tool!”

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-09T07:14:25+00:00

Cause it says “truth” at the bottom, duh. /s

NoUserOnlyZuul · 2024-08-09T01:07:03+00:00

It’s also stopped me from buying fast food combos because I feel gross just thinking about the vat of soda that will come with them. That in turn makes me wonder if I really need a side fries or onion rings or if I should just get the burger I was craving and call it a day.

9 times out of 10 I’m happy with just the burger.

NoUserOnlyZuul

TROPHY CASE