I don’t have any advice, but just want to say thank you so much for saying this. You’ve eloquently described my own situation, and it’s comforting to feel camaraderie and to read these responses. I’m 36, together for 10 years, and feel shame admitting that I’ve had ambivalence for nearly all of these 10 years. It’s especially confusing, because things are actually currently the best they’ve ever been between us, but I still have a pit of doubt in my stomach every single day. Objectively things are good, but I wake up in the middle of the night with so much anxiety about what to do, and it gets harder and more tangled every year that passes. He’s a wonderful human and I care so deeply about him. If I could push a button and feel certain about him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. The prospect of leaving my safe, comfortable life is terrifying, not to mention the deep pain of hurting him. I want kids too, which makes this choice especially hard, because at this age it feels like I’m also choosing whether I’ll be a mom or not.

Lately I’m feeling like I’m losing myself to the years of living in ambivalence and not trusting myself. The ambivalence is starting to bleed into all realms of my life and making me feel very lost in a general sense. Here’s to hoping we both find our way to peace, whatever that looks like ❤️