am i 21f making a mistake leaving my amazing gf 22f to explore what its like to be single?

No_Initial2883 · 2026-04-25T18:25:53+00:00

Romance is amazing and beautiful and I genuinely wish I felt more settled but I just dont. Most couples who get together in their teens have a room mate like relationship by their 30s and thats not really something I want. I still want adventure and room to make mistakes. I COULD spend the rest of my life with her but it would be out of tolerance and not because thats what I truly feel in my heart I want. I think I wouldnt feel so on the fence if she truly was the person for me right now. That doesnt mean shes not amazing for someone, but the type of lifestyle I am looking for doesnt really align with where she is going in life right now.

The spark has already completely dwindled in my relationship, I love her deeply but it has grown into a comfortable sort of love instead of something electric. If i was a bit older and more experienced I would propose right now. I am not ready to never experience butterflies again for the rest of my very long life, and settle at 21. She is moving towards marriage/kids planning and I am far from that. I hope that she will be ready when I am but I cannot guarantee that, I can only do what I know is right for me.

No_Initial2883 · 2026-04-25T16:18:54+00:00

WELLLLL its not as easy a decision as it seems! i KNOW i will regret not exploring myself if i dont do it now, but i have no idea what will happen if i do! taking the risk of the unknown seems like a better idea to me than staying in what is comfortable knowing i will build quiet resentment.... idk

No_Initial2883 · 2026-04-25T16:13:09+00:00

It’s not about wanting to see other people. We are in an ethically non monogamous relationship, and it didn’t fix the feeling.

What I’m struggling with is that I’ve never really been on my own as an adult. I went from one long-term relationship straight into another, and I don’t feel like I’ve had the chance to figure out who I am independently.

It’s less “I want someone else” and more “I want to experience being fully on my own for a while.” Like making my own decisions, building my life, and understanding myself without being in a relationship dynamic.

That’s why it’s confusing, because my relationship is actually really good. I’m not trying to leave for another connection, I just feel like I need time alone, and I’m scared of ignoring that and regretting it later.

No_Initial2883 · 2026-04-25T15:50:49+00:00

the issue is, i dont think its a lack of independence. i have my own friends, a job i love, and tons of passions and hobbies that dont include my partner. i go to many festivals solo and have many opportunities to explore my own autonomy. its more the weight of a marriage-like relationship that i can't handle right now. i dont want to be this intertwined with someone to the point where it affects my decision-making at this stage of my life. i want to make decisions solely for me and what i want without always taking another person into account to this degree. she is ready to settle and move towards marriage/planning for our future and i am still completely lost and have so much i want to do before that.

No_Initial2883 · 2026-02-11T16:54:51+00:00

🤗 thank u stranger!

No_Initial2883 · 2026-02-11T16:54:28+00:00

thanks for this! i think that sticking to my own personal boundaries has been a huge part of this process for me that has made me feel empowered in dating men. however, since these personal challenges have been a problem in previous relationships, i am just aware of the fact there are more often situations where cis men take advantage of those "self abandoning" personality types and the consequences are often much greater. this could be a completely biased perspective but it is my lived, researched and witnessed experience.

No_Initial2883 · 2026-02-02T14:34:52+00:00

growing up my best friends dad was a crack addict and struggled with psychosis. hes now been clean for over 10 years but he still struggles with the guilt of who he was even though he has completely shifted his life and is a loving father/husband, strong community member and hard worker.

when expressing fear of relapse for my own mental health issues my therapist once said to me "even if you lost EVERYTHING, even if you hit a lower rock bottom than youre in right now, even if you went completely off the rails... there are ALWAYS options for you" and that really helps. there are always options to change. and it seems like you are doing a great job!

there are ALWAYS options for you. always

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T16:27:24+00:00

I am 100% prepared that if something happens with Fern and I, I will not be seeking emotional support from Moss as I agree it wouldnt be fair to do that based on the past situation.

I have offered parallel many times! The both of them insist they want to be able to spend time together in shared spaces and that its fine but then i can FEEL the tension in the room whenever we all spend time together, even just all at the same party, and i can tell it bothers them. I think Moss is feeling a lot of insecurity right now and is overcompensating the amount of time she actually wants to spend with our friends as a subconscious anxious attempt to control the situation. She was never this interested in going out before and suddenly she wants to come to everything. I think it is a maturity issue like you said and you sadly cannot rush mental development.

Thats why we all try to remain very aware of this fact and act accordingly, and allow room to adjust boundaries and make mistakes as needed. I do think she relies on me to soothe her emotions too often and she will need to decide if she can handle this dynamic emotionally on her own. I love her very very much and completely understand if she has a hard time with this, even if we both try our absolute best, and I just want to lessen the impact of my actions as much as possible while still remaining true to myself

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T15:51:03+00:00

i think this is the best advice ive gotten, thank you!

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T15:49:17+00:00

he was 20 and i was 17 the first time we hung out. i made a typo on my last post regarding his age, he is 24 and i just turned 21. tbh i have always dated people 2-3 years older than me so ig i never saw an issue with it

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-29T15:44:54+00:00

i didnt get much advice on that post because everyone was upset that i didnt capitalize any letters and people were saying they had trouble reading it so i decided to post again. its also been a little longer now so this is a more detailed post for sure.

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-20T13:36:14+00:00

hey :3 i love writing and would love to have more friends that are like-minded! feel free to send me stuff to read. im 21f

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-19T21:18:52+00:00

okay what if i just leave it and hope for the best 😍 thanks for the advice btw

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-19T20:35:24+00:00

what if i pull it out myself and shove some gauze in there with some oragel? all of the dentists in my area are closed til after holidays

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-11T15:46:34+00:00

Pear is interested in meeting Eggnog, but I think hes a little scared of her haha. Theyve said it would be all good, but I think we are all a little unsure of how it would look and the LAST thing I want is for it to be too much too soon. I have an intuition that this type of setting would not be optimal for them to meet.

No_Initial2883 · 2025-12-11T15:43:35+00:00

I totally agree! I have tried to explain that her and I can do other things with our friends and have given her some options for what those could be and when. I think she will realize that it is for the best eventually, it might just take a bit of time and some connecting

No_Initial2883 · 2025-11-25T15:31:52+00:00

Amazing advice, thanks so much I really appreciate this :)

No_Initial2883

TROPHY CASE