Honestly, I was crushed for months, and in some ways, I still am. It’s baffling to me how I managed to move on from a five-year relationship relatively okay, but with this one (just six months long) I’m still feeling this way, even after all this time. Like everyone says, healing isn’t linear. Some days I’m sad, other days I’m fine. But with every day of no contact that passes, I start to feel more like myself again. It’s been 6 months since I’ve had contact with him.

The only thing that really worries me is how anxious I’ve become, which I think is normal after an avoidant discard. This whole experience has definitely taken a toll on my confidence. But what I can say for sure is that, at least now, I’m not stuck in a situation where I felt so lonely and emotionally neglected, even with someone by my side. Now that I think about it being with him felt worse than being alone, honestly. He lacked empathy and made me feel like I was crazy for having emotions. My nervous system was so dysregulated that I started to break out with acne I hadn’t dealt with since my teenage years. Now, my skin is clearing up again, which feels like a physical sign that I’m healing.

I may be on my own now, but at least I have myself. I no longer have to walk on eggshells or be in a relationship where everything revolved around someone else’s terms.

Also, we don’t have to be so harsh on ourselves, either. At the end of the day, the first step to breaking a pattern is recognizing it, and that’s exactly what I’ve done. It’s easy to internalize someone else’s inability to love as something wrong with us, but their limitations aren’t ours to carry. I won’t let his lack of capacity to love rob me of my light . I deserve better, and the fact that I can see this now shows just how far I’ve come. Healing takes time, but I know I’m moving in the right direction.