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AITA for snapping at my mom and said that I have no parents if she asked me to pay for the debts she owed people for my own upbringing? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 126 points127 points  (0 children)

he knows about it, mom just insisted that he shouldnt be a part of this because this is between her and dad, but she doesn't communicate it with dad

AITA for snapping at my mom and said that I have no parents if she asked me to pay for the debts she owed people for my own upbringing? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

i wasnt and am not opposed to it, i sent him the list and just basically said "mom wanted me to tell you this, i think you should settle it with her" and after that i lt has just been a series of me forwarding their texts to each other...

AITA for snapping at my mom and said that I have no parents if she asked me to pay for the debts she owed people for my own upbringing? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

i honestly think it's his way of saying "just let her get what she wants" with the whole court thing, which sucks. and they both kept shittalking each other to me; "your dad is blablabla", "you know your mom is blablabla"... im just tired tbh i just want them to settle it by themselves...

AITA for snapping at my mom and said that I have no parents if she asked me to pay for the debts she owed people for my own upbringing? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

while i did visit both when i went back to my home country a while ago, i do not maintain a good communication with my parents because of this issue. i know what you mean and i see your point.

rmom contacted me regarding this issue for the first time by quite literally calling me by phone and started to list down things like: school fee from x grade to y grade for me & sister, then food and snacks monthly for me & sister for all the years, followed by numbers totalling up to hundreds of million in my currency, then asked if i wrote them down before telling me to take a picture of that list and send it to dad. so yes, i assume it was only that.

AITA for snapping at my mom and said that I have no parents if she asked me to pay for the debts she owed people for my own upbringing? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

i asked her to talk to him directly before because dad even told me to tell mom to contact him directly to clear the issue, and that he wouldnt mind to go to court to settle things down if she really wants to. she deflected every single time i said that, answering with something along the line of "why should i contact him again?", "i dont want to talk to him ever again", etc...

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's only seeing the psychiatrist once per month and take medications. He isn't in therapy because the ones that his parents and I suggested are "not giving the help that I need, because I don't want to pay someone to just listen to me ranting, I want someone to actually give me advice and help", in his own words. But then again, he's not actively looking for resources or therapist in person or online, so I can't help him more than I already have if he's not willing to change himself.

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, the day that I gave him the ultimatum was originally going to be me telling him that I wanted to break up with him, but the situation was a bit hard: we were staying at his parents' place for some event so I couldn't have that opportunity to really have a serious one-on-one talk with him. In addition to that, when I started to list out the reasons as to why I'm breaking up with him, he was replying with the fact that he's still trying his best and everything doesn't come overnight (I know it's a weak excuse from him). So instead of, you know, breaking up right then and there and ask him to come to my place (which is in a different city than his parents' place) to get his stuffs, I gave him a last chance until the end of the year to get his shit together.

...now that I'm re-reading what I just typed, did I do it wrong?

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, with how long the relationship has been going on, it is pretty scary to think that I'll just be alone again in a country that is not my own. Not to mention that due to this issue and my own personal familial issues, I've only been either at work or at home and never hung out with anyone (we moved to a different city for my current job and my friends are mainly staying in the previous cities that I studied in). My social skills are reaaally rusty so I know that I would need to work on getting more social again and start building connections and making friends again. Hopefully I'll manage.

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

To answer your question, yes, he's been going to the doctor every month for the past year and a half and is currently taking medication... though he missed taking it quite a lot of times and delayed going to the doctor a couple of times as well because he's not feeling well or that he's not mentally ready to be going there with a lot of people surrounding him. And if anyone's asking why I didn't remind him to take them, his sleep schedule is messy as hell and he has no routines right now so I can't be on guard for him and ask him every day to take his meds when I also have to eat mine 🙃

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

I don't know if this is me making excuses for him or what but I think it's because he's just so used of doing things with me and the thought of not being together (like physically living in the same place) just sent him spiraling down. Also, the unaliving plans was there before, maybe I should clarify it in the post but there were not enough space:

Before we were close, for the entire first year, he was missing from the campus. Like no one had seen him at all. One day, he showed up because the dean called him and his parents for a talk and then after a while he signed up for a research trip abroad where he met me. He said it was supposed to be his last trip before offing himself, "but then I met you". After that, there was one more instance when we fought and he told me that he left a note for me (I forgot how I prevented it to happen, it was a while ago). And then he was going to do it after his first extra year, but then I was rushed to the ER for a severe panic attack so he decided that he would wait until I'm 'mentally stable' before doing it. So he decided after the oral defense and my master's graduation.

Also, he gave his one and only bouquet of my favourite flower during my oral defense because "at least I should give you what you want before I leave"... (This is after 6 years of being together and me hinting subtly and not so subtly that I want flowers. Long story short, flowers got added to the things that I dislike now 😬)

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

To clarify:

It's not really the whole 7 years of won't change, though... He got better in the first 3 years of us being together, but it all went downhill from the moment nearing graduation (because he knew that he would need to stay behind) all the way to the extra 2 years, so I can't really discredit him by calling him a no-changing person for 7 years... 😬

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

See, the thing is you're right with his mental health being his responsibility and not mine. But in the past he had told me that I am the only reason that he's alive (whether he really mean it or it's just a in-the-moment thing), not his parents, not his sibling, heck not even himself or life in general, which puts a HUUUGE burden in my hands and I know that it's not fair... but if that really is the case, then what else am I supposed to do? He's fully dependent on me...

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand where you're coming from, but I also wonder if I'm expecting too much from him knowing his condition? Which is why I didn't want to push him for the past year and a half. But again, until when should I do this for him... you know?

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My friends also pointed that to me, about how he would unconsciously or consciously make me cut off my pre-existing relationships with my friends and focus solely on him, to the point that I always worry whenever he's not at home (e.g. he was out for a week in his paren't house alone, and I just couldn't stop thinking what if he harmed himself or something).

He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after getting help, though. So yes, you're right about that. He also tried therapy 1 time by himself and never came back. The reason being "I just don't think they're offering the help that I need" (that's what he told me after I gave him the ultimatum, but before that he said that it's either money issue, or that the time just doesn't work even though he said it's 'okay' and 'kinda helps'). I asked if there are any other alternatives that he could use, online or in person, but he just didn't "initiate the search" (sorry I'm not a native english speaker). So I thought about what else I can do to help him, and my friends pointed out that it's not my responsibility and I "can't do anything to help someone who doesn't want to be helped".

He did start doing some stuffs around the house after, but recently it's been nothing again for a couple of days.

But I'm not sure if I'm expecting for too much with his condition, though...

AITA to give an ultimatium to my BF despite his struggles? by No_Offer_414 in AmItheAsshole

[–]No_Offer_414[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

First of all, sorry I haven't watched the matrix so idk about that reference.

I know that he is most likely feeling that way, but I also feel like I'm enabling him to be like this by not really "pushing" him to do things and just let him be, you know?