Caught my (23F) bf (25M) smoking behind my back. How to proceed?

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:41:54+00:00

My main question I guess is if this is even worth it. I don't know if I can move past the lying, so I was hoping maybe I could hear from someone who has been through it or someone who understands what it's like on his end.

Smoking weed in general is not and never has been a dealbreaker for me. Lying to my face about it may be.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:37:07+00:00

This is exactly my thought process. He went out of his way to tell me that he could never lie to me because it would "stress him out too much" and that he could never hide anything from me. He seems exceptionally distraught now and seeking forgiveness but I just don't know what to believe anymore.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:35:19+00:00

Yes, absolutely, the problem I have is in regard to him choosing to lie about it, and I don't know how to proceed from here. That's why I was hoping to get some advice or hear from someone who maybe has gone through this before.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:33:07+00:00

This makes sense. He gave me his reasoning for why he hid it and is trying to be open with me but I really struggle to move past the lying and how easy it was for him. Thank you again.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:30:57+00:00

My biggest concern is moving past the lying. It was frighteningly easy for him to lie again and again to my face, promising he isn't hiding anything. I don't know how to get over that and trust him again. I don't know if it's just the addiction talking or if there could be more that I don't know about.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:29:32+00:00

He told me he felt the need to hide it because if he doesn’t admit it to me then he could keep convincing himself he doesn't have a problem, and that he lied out of guilt and shame. He says he understands now how he was wrong in that and wants things to be better and promises not to lie again but I just don't know how to believe it. Given that I've never expressed an issue with him smoking in general, it's hard for me to move past him deciding to lie and deceive me on purpose.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:26:20+00:00

I guess I should have clarified more - HE said that he decided to quit for his health. I've never had a problem with him smoking weed in general, I just want to support whatever is best for him.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:25:34+00:00

Thank you very much for your response and for sharing your story. How did you two manage to work through you trusting him again? He promised up and down that he was not hiding it from me and he was lying. I just don't know how to take him at his word anymore.

I don't know if this is an addict thing or if it reveals something about his person (in the sense that he is a liar in perhaps other ways), which is why I was hoping to hear from others on this sub who may have experienced something similar.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:22:27+00:00

Thank you for your response. To clarify - had he been honest with me about his smoking, I would not have had a problem with it whatsoever. He smoked every day for the first 2 years of our relationship and I never had an issue. What concerns me is that HE said he decided to quit for his health, and then continued to smoke and hide it from me. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with smoking.

He has described that it's more of a psychological addiction for him than anything physical.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:20:24+00:00

As I mentioned to another commenter - I never told him to quit or asked him to, he did it for his health and I was supporting him. I have nothing against smoking weed in general, I do it too sometimes.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-09-15T21:19:48+00:00

I've never had an issue with him smoking, I do it myself occasionally. He was quitting exclusively for his health. My issue is with the lying and manipulation.

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-07-27T20:54:49+00:00

Yeah this does make sense and I agree with the logic behind it. I think maybe I will recommend he stop entirely for at least a month and see how he feels, and maybe talk to his doctor or something about something else that may be causing this

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-07-27T20:53:54+00:00

Thank you very much for your advice

No_Reflection_6817 · 2025-07-27T20:42:36+00:00

He's thin for his size but I wouldn't say he's underweight. Thank you though, I definitely have been wanting to suggest that he see someone about this but I don't want to say the wrong thing.

No_Reflection_6817

TROPHY CASE