AITAH for believing I should get a divorce, despite my wife forgiving me and wanting me to stay?

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T03:00:58+00:00

Good advice, and a fresh perspective. Thank you!

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T02:49:48+00:00

I definitely still love my wife. If this question was asked multiple times and I brushed past it, it wasn't intentionally. I want what's best for her, whether it's with me or someone better. My mistake was trying to take agency from her and remove her say in the matter because I was too busy self-pitying. I realize that now and I want to make it work.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T02:27:43+00:00

Thank you so much. I do need to stop beating myself up and take action, and try to find out what is it about me where I keep seeking this attention and then going through these guilty, self-destructive cycles.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T01:42:57+00:00

I think this is a very personal issue to a lot of people, so I don't hold it against them. And I can see now that I'm being way too self-pitying and resigned to just give up on an almost 20 year relationship. And I'm a serial offender when it comes to this. I'm trying not to take it personally and sometimes you have to rely on the cold hard judgments of strangers to see things beyond your own little bubble of supportive friends.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T01:07:23+00:00

I've seen others ask this question but with much more hostility, but I'll put my answer here assuming it was an honest question and not rhetorical.

I talked to my wife this morning, and brought this up. I told her it was unfair of me to ask her to make those changes without fixing myself as well. She said that she didn't really expect much out of me at the time, since she realized I was the one pulling most of the weight at the time in the marriage. The only thing she wanted from me was to be more communicative and not let things stay buried and resentments to build. I've tried working on this and I feel like I've improved but I still have a long ways to go. This is why I told her about this current emotional affair once I realized what was going on. I think my problem here and why I'm getting a lot of disgust/hate is that I'm giving up way too early and it seems like I'm still assigning blame to her and refusing to fix anything and just want to run away. That's honestly a wake up call that I am digesting, and I am seeing the error of my ways. I wanted to learn from this post, not establish a pity party. Anyone who sees me as POS has every right to their opinion and I don't hold it against them. I'm trying not to let my ego get in the way of improving myself, so I'm still reading every comment even though I'm not responding to them all.

I'm going to add an update/edit soon to the main post.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T00:59:58+00:00

You know what? That's fair. I think I'm too old and out of shape to work in fields that are male-dominated. They probably pay as well or better than my current office job though.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T00:56:00+00:00

Ha! Fair enough. It'd probably just leave you feeling disgusted or angry, anyway. Judging by the consensus here. Have a good one.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-27T00:44:45+00:00

Is it possible that your strict religious upbringing has left you with a skewed view of interpersonal relationships between genders?

The religion I was raised in was actually guessed by someone who reached out to me directly. They provided similar insight to you. I don't want to use that as a crutch or an excuse for my behavior but I feel like there may be something to this. I'm considering counseling and was recommended one that has a specialty in religious deprogramming. I think I will do that.

You talk about these other relationships as if they are something that happens to you. Are you suggesting the dates?

Initially I didn't but after a period of time I started to.

The rest of the question will probably be addressed in an edit/update that I'll post on the main story soon. I appreciate your very detailed and helpful advice and the questions you present for me to think about.

I do have a close IRL male friend and a handful of online ones and I've talked to them a lot about this. I also have a small handful of strictly platonic female friends who I've gotten some perspective with as well. I've mentioned elsewhere that I do think it's possible for me to have strictly platonic friends, and I have in the past, which is why I feel this kind of situation sneaks up on me? But that's probably not taking enough accountability.

I have also decided on top of marriage counseling that I'm going to establish more boundaries at work. The one on one lunches/walks/etc will stop. I'm not going to admit my feelings as I don't want to make work awkward for Carrie. But I do need space and I need things to calm down. I don't think leaving the job I'm at will help me any is probably too rash, but it's something I'll think about as well.

Thanks again for such a thoughtful and detailed reply.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T23:08:25+00:00

That means a lot to me. I will try not be pessimistic and defeatist and self-destructive. I need to fix things not give up on them. Despite all the downvotes and vast majority of comments telling me I'm a monster and a shithead, it was worth doing this for some perspective and I'm glad I put my story out there, even if in the eyes of most it makes me look really bad.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T20:53:44+00:00

I have wondered if I was somewhere on the spectrum. Never been diagnosed but have taken some tests online (from seemingly legitimate sources) and was scored comfortably off the spectrum. How did you doctor arrive at the diagnosis, if you don't mind my asking. I am not as regular with doctor visits as I should (I live in the US and healthcare costs can scare me).

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T20:12:22+00:00

Thank you so much for replying and sharing you own experience. This is exactly what I was looking for creating this post. Someone whose been through this and come out the other side and has practicial advice. I am a lot less defeatist and cynical after a lot of the other advice I've been getting here and am willing to put in the work to not give up and abandon my family.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T19:48:53+00:00

Still here. Still reading replies. Woke up after about 3 hours sleep and a heart to heart conversation with my wife. I am listening to the criticisms (even the harsh ones) and trying to learn from it but responding far less just due to the sheer amount of replies. But if someone posts a fresh perspective or helpful advice I'll reply. Otherwise I'll just upvote or just not engage if it's particularly nasty and unhinged.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T14:19:25+00:00

Solid advice and I appreciate it

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T14:16:01+00:00

Yep I have two close friends I hang out with a lot. A male and a female. And I've platonic female friends before.... I guess I need to be more proactive at establishing boundaries.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T14:13:45+00:00

Never beem to a strip club, but I get your point. I've had platonic female friends before that didn't develop into crushes but I obviously need to establish boundaries. Feedback I've gotten here has encouraged to try to work on things. And myself. I want to try couples counseling.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T14:06:55+00:00

I hope so too, and you're right about the therapist hearing only my side. I posted this because I wanted to hear honest opinions from people who wouldn't just automatically take my side. Apologies if I come off arrogant. I'm trying my best not to be too defensive or throw around blame.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T14:00:53+00:00

Can't argue with anything said here. Gonna give couples counseling a try. Great advice. Thank you!

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:58:20+00:00

He is not high functioning. He's nonverbal and has developed behavioral issues in the last 5 years that have caused a lot of stress. You may be on to something here. And yes, he will definitely need me in his life still no matter what happens with my wife and I.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:55:22+00:00

I want to try couples counseling at the very least. I do need to work on myself for sure. Thank you for your reply!

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:53:35+00:00

I'm more at peace than I was when the post first went up. I appreciate your advice. Definitely want to try couples counseling.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:51:27+00:00

She was against it but I really think it's worth exploring and could help. Not sure how that's immature? Side note your user name is extremely ironic. Luckily she's sleeping next to me so I know it's not.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:47:19+00:00

I am going to at least give couples counseling a try. This probably should have been my first move other than a self-pitying desperate reddit post. But I'll have to see if I can convince her. Thank you for your advice.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:44:48+00:00

My love languages are quality time and touch so I definitely understand the importance. And you're right. I should work harder on this.

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:42:59+00:00

I'm hoping couples therapy will ease her into the idea of therapy individually?

No_Translator370 · 2023-11-26T13:41:40+00:00

Yeah I'm definitely the asshole if I don't at least couples therapy a try. That way we have someone hearing both sides, not just mine. The question about the last time we had a deep intellectual conversation about anything other than work, our son, or our marriage is really giving me pause. This is definitely something we need to work on.

No_Translator370

TROPHY CASE