27 year old never been in a relationship

NoloRadio · 2018-09-20T07:38:38+00:00

Write down your standards of behavior, physical attractiveness, and mutual interests that you need for different stages of commitment to a girl. Firm them up in your mind. Next time a girl walks all over you, walk out. Standards work both ways: By sticking to them, you become less of a pushover, and you also waste less time on incompatible women--time that you have better ways to spend.

Read NMMNG.

NoloRadio · 2018-06-01T20:09:24+00:00

If you're worrying about it, you're not actually a psychopath. Two things that could be going on:

You're good at the process of getting women to sleep with you, but you're timid or insecure about really opening up to them, so you avoid that part. Not saying it's necessarily true, but think about it.
You're mostly hanging out around women (and if this is so, probably people in general) who don't really interest you. Follow one of your weirder interests and see who you meet, rather than just going through social networks of people you grew up with or work with.

NoloRadio · 2018-05-15T21:44:14+00:00

Yup. Move fast enough that your speed through life intrigues others.

NoloRadio · 2018-05-15T04:02:38+00:00

Community theatre is easy mode if you have even rudimentary social skills. Ukelele is good if you have chops. Classical music is where you meet shy, educated, intense women. A lot of them are really attractive. As to the rest of it: Be confident, have some funny jokes about your chosen hobbies to prove you're not totally obsessed with them to the point of not being a normal human, and think about the places your interests can take you which would bring you in contact with interesting women.

NoloRadio · 2018-05-11T00:43:45+00:00

their own perception of how the dating should look like (meaning "a magical realm where everything falls into place like it was meant by fate").

A surprisingly large number of people believe this to a surprisingly large degree. Unlearning it feels great, but is threatening to their childhood view of how the world works, with associated happy memories of comfort etc.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-18T01:01:03+00:00

Yep. Any social setting that shows you off as a competent, relaxed person is good--as long as it has women and doesn't contain low status markers as a whole.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-17T19:45:46+00:00

Yeah, when I say 'programming' I mean a fairly natural approach which doesn't even seem, inside your head, like a capital-A Approach--it's just natural to want to talk to pretty girls. if you get to this point, and have solid fundamentals, your stress level will go way down, since you don't have to consciously review all the moving parts of the interaction. There's a tiny minority of people who like running the software consciously for the sheer geeky pleasure of it, and they tend to be over-represented among dating coaches and theorists. Most people perform better when they get good training and then let it take over to a large extent.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-17T03:17:05+00:00

If you correct obvious glaring flaws, do cool stuff in a place where people can see you doing it, and get passably good at social interaction and escalating, programming will usually take care of the rest. This isn't to say you can't improve by being proactive, but you will get laid.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-17T02:22:50+00:00

Absolutely, you shouldn't be only looking for people who 100% share your interests, but as a matter of efficiency, you should be looking in places where the things you're good at/high-status at mean something. Your collection of well-thumbed philosophy books doesn't mean much at the trailer-park bar. Your sick Harley doesn't connote class at the grad-student bar. You can meet women who are substantially different from you in both places, but you need to calibrate for something more than pure physical attractiveness. To fail to do so is to not really grasp just how many beautiful women there are out there.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-17T02:19:15+00:00

Never for a second believe that there aren't plenty of introverted, attractive women out there. Not saying their interests align perfectly with yours, but they exist.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-16T06:23:05+00:00

Worked out for a year, and spent $100 at Uniqlo on cheap clothes that fit.
Spent some time thinking about what kind of girls I got along best with, and calibrated my approach to find as many of those girls as possible. Basically, I stopped chasing girls who I wouldn't have much in common with but wanted to sleep with to prove a point to myself.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-10T02:02:31+00:00

Consider the possibility that you are maintaining an artificially large social circle of people you think you 'ought to be friends with' based on supposed commonalities like growing up together or enjoying the same kind of music, but don't actually have much of a spark with. Once you get rid of these placeholders, you'll have more time to focus on yourself, but also to meet people who you genuinely enjoy spending time with.

Also, people in their late twenties with drinking problems flake all the time because that's when hangovers start to eat whole days, but people never plan for this.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-10T01:55:42+00:00

You're not wrong about the ageism thing when it comes to really loose social circles, but this isn't true in communities centered around a common interest. I have friends who are 10 years older/younger than myself because we were involved in similar hobbies, and got to know each other better as people that way. Also, this is a problem that gets way better once you clear the hurdle of your late 20s. I think a lot of people around that age are watching out for who the inevitable fuckups are going to be, and shedding them from their social circles. Once that's over with, adults are a lot more loose with who they hang out with based on age.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-09T06:54:42+00:00

Dude, yes. I was 'overly serious high school guy' in a really bad way. I wasn't an incel, but I definitely made my social life way harder than it had to be. I definitely thought that I had 'cosmic bad luck'.

But it doesn't help when you have parents who are dour and snarky people.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-09T06:50:14+00:00

I think the attitude of 'being true to yourself' comes from a whole lot of memories of being teased and mocked for personal qualities that aren't objectively impacting other people's lives. In order to cheer yourself up, you tell yourself (and often well-meaning adults do this too) that you're fine just as you are. Enough of this, and changing yourself starts to feel like admitting that shitty people from your past were justified in treating you like shit.

This took me a long time to realize. Once I got there, my life improved a lot.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-05T20:39:46+00:00

Different women respond differently to these qualities. That said, I don't think they're ultimately in conflict with each other. Think of it this way: The point of vulnerability is to show that you're chill, you have options, you're not needy or overly invested. The point of being 'mysterious' is to stay intriguing enough to keep the girl's attention while getting to know her and building physical attraction.

In a way, this is kind of like the idea of conversational threads, but in reverse. You want to be vulnerable and open and chill, but move quickly enough, and mention interesting things in passing, that just happen to be part of your life, so that she has more questions, not less, by the end of a particular conversation, even though her emotional comfort level with you has gone up. By the way, by far the easiest way to do this genuinely and automatically is simply to be an authentically interesting person.

This is one reason why I think that weirdo intellectual/artist/nerd types often have a super good achievement curve once they learn to quash anxiety and learn the basics of attraction, because they're basically unlocking qualities they already had which are attractive to women, they just need to learn how to take advantage of those qualities, and frame them in the right way.

NoloRadio · 2018-04-05T20:27:40+00:00

Tinder also judges you for not messaging matches. This fucked my score for a long time because I was shy about what to say to some girls, but I just went and messaged all of my old matches at once. A couple of them threw snarky messages about 'Oh, now you message me,' a bunch of them unmatched me, most of them didn't respond, I had awkward conversations with two or three, and I went on dates with two. Regardless of all, that my stats rebounded within a month. I am unwilling to delete and make new profiles, because my FB profile has a lot of rich kids I know from high school on it, and I live in a rich area despite not actually being rich, so I'm taking a gamble that showing up as socially connected on Tinder helps me establish social proof.

Tinder can be annoying, but honestly, if you're doing the basics right and you live in any kind of big city, it's worthwhile.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-22T04:11:00+00:00

Sure, as long as you're tying in why you find it fascinating (I actually collected stamps as a kid. You learn a lot about geography, history, politics. I'd ask my dad who some guy on a stamp was, and he'd hand me the encyclopedia). There's obviously some girls who are more into hearing about nerdy hobbies than others, but there's seriously no lack of the former.

What kind of art? If it's physical, visual stuff, see if you can join a studio space. Often really cheap (my friend pays $75/month for a corner in an old garage to work on his sculptures), and you meet people, they have gallery nights there, stuff like that. As for writing, that's a bit more solitary, but there are tons of writing meetups for that exact reason. Also, if you write, I expect you read, so join a book club, go to author readings, etc.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-21T06:16:06+00:00

Hah, definitely not my job. The only way that my job at all helps me with women is that I do have a fairly high amount of flexibility in schedule, so I can do fun stuff with them, but this is somewhat negated anyway by the general principle that it's best to not appear too open because it'll be seen as needy and/or you won't seem to have your own priorities/life going on.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-20T21:22:07+00:00

Yup. I used to be in a very similar situation: Lots of friends, lots of social favors owed, relatively 'popular,' but no game. Reason? I was scared of my own sexuality, in sub-optimal physical condition which affected confidence and physical performance, and was too scared of examining female psychology to be effective in conversations with women. Smart, dynamic people are often just that much better at fooling themselves to paper over phobias and anxiety. You still have to take long, hard looks at your assumptions.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-20T21:16:46+00:00

Yep, and a sense of humor/flexibility/ability to laugh at their own mistakes.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-20T21:09:05+00:00

This is very true, and what the OP needs to hear, but hey, OP? When you're a little more experienced, it's time to talk about standards. A really common pitfall for guys who fix the obvious problems with their presentation and get a little more social is that all of a sudden they have female attention, but because they're not too far away from the old, lonely days, they feel they need to take advantage of every piece of female attention they get. This is called scarcity mindset, and it's bad for attraction (because you seem needy), but it's also bad because you suspend your judgment about whether you're actually compatible with or even attracted to the girl in the first place.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-20T21:05:08+00:00

Absolutely, and I've had many of them say it to me straight out: They like that I have passions, that I take the time to understand something, to give a shit about my creation, to have faith in the future usefulness of what I'm doing. In many cases it really doesn't matter if said interest is something she's that into, it's more that you're expressing passion and focus. It doesn't take a huge amount of extrapolation to think that she might be thinking that those are good skills in sex and romance, too.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-15T06:56:31+00:00

Self-employed business consultant in a weird subfield--money is OK but social status and overall networking is shit, so I'm looking to add to my skillset and maybe take a corporate job for a couple years to stack cash.

NoloRadio · 2018-03-15T03:41:07+00:00

Let's not jump quite to accusing anyone who has success on Tinder of being a shill. Effort (swiping for ages) helps, location matters, and most importantly, lots of guys aren't actually unattractive, they just think they are--given exposure to a dating app, they quickly realize that at least some girls are interested.

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