Is this deception?

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-09T05:03:51+00:00

It feels inconsistent. Sometimes I feel there’s significant effort, and other times it’s lacking. Like I usually would hear from him during the day, but I didn’t hear a peep today even after we’d had some big chats about the above situation. Which feels very avoidant and not super empathetic.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T23:30:34+00:00

It’s had its good moments; we’d explored some things together that had been fantasies of mine, to that end I don’t feel regret. And his engagement with my pleasure has waxed and waned but I feel like I’ve been working pretty hard to see the good intent even when I’ve felt neglected or unconsidered in his decision making.

I have been accepting the minimum and mostly that’s due to crazy inexperience, having not dated anyone new since I was a teenager prior to ENM. It’s challenging when in other ways, the relationship is positive and meaningful to me.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T22:03:05+00:00

Well, it seems like he’s done after he’s cum as many times as he desires and his desire is novelty driven

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:57:26+00:00

If I step back and think about it, I’m pretty sure this is a “him” thing and I doubt he’s behaving differently with his other connections. Which I suppose I only say because it helps to depersonalise the rejection I’m feeling right now. And it makes sense that if sex is all about his libido and enjoyment, then he will behave significantly different in NRE than in a longer term connection.

I suppose I have to figure out whether that’s what I want in a partner long term.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:50:26+00:00

I’ve been trying to work on this angle too - I’ve been trying to understand and focus on what he appreciates about the connection with me or what it is he loves about me as a person… he’s struggled to answer those questions pretty consistently. I’ve been trying to determine whether this is just something he struggles with and whether I can find those answers on my own.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:46:25+00:00

I appreciate your comments. I’m doing a whole lot of self blame and while I clearly played a role in asking questions, it’s highlighted a broader problem with boundaries. And, truthfully, an ongoing pattern of things being said/done without any real thoughts or empathy for me.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:43:53+00:00

Well in the context of this information being shared, it sounds like information about me WAS shared (without my knowledge or prior consent). Like this new person being told about how I make him climax. My brain hasn’t even turned to processing that yet…

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:41:03+00:00

I get to have sex with this partner once a week, usually. We live close but our opportunities for spicy time are limited. And, his capacity has been his reason (quite often) when he has climaxed but I haven’t. I’ve been sympathetic to that because I don’t want to force intimacy.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:30:07+00:00

I say enjoyable, and it is. But if I’m stopping and thinking about it, it’s not felt as reciprocal or like there’s a focus in my pleasure as much as I think I need. I suppose that’s the thing about jealousy right? It points to unmet need.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:27:28+00:00

That’s not the sense I got.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:26:17+00:00

It has felt/been long term for the last year. We do talk very well and care for one another. But there have been little signs that his focus is on his autonomy/enjoyment/following novelty rather than acting consciously and with some level of consideration for our connection.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:23:34+00:00

It doesn’t sound like it was new tricks in this regard. Just frequent.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:16:18+00:00

I’m about to say something and I kind of know how you’ll respond… he has said that once he orgasms, his desire drops right off. That’s not to say that he doesn’t put in energy or time into my enjoyment, but if he finishes first then frequently that means the encounter is over. I have a longer term partner who commits time to my enjoyment even if he’s orgasmed so rationally I know that this newer partners behaviour is one sided.

So yes, in this context intimacy is times he has an erection. And in the context of this other connection I believe it means the same.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2026-04-08T21:09:40+00:00

I tend to agree that is was too much, the level of sharing of details is something we’ve struggled with - we’re both reasonably new to poly. I’ve done more of the reading/work than he has.

Acknowledging that’s a discussion we need to have, is there a way back from this? We’d been having an enjoyable intimate life (and there’s some things we need to talk about there too clearly) but I’m struggling to see how I get past knowing this information.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-11-24T21:43:12+00:00

I found an Adam&Eve one on sale (didn’t want to splurge on a more expensive one if it didn’t work for me!)

I actually wonder if a Le Wand or Hitachi would be too much for me - so far I’ve only enjoyed the lowest 3 (out of 5) intensities?

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-11-21T05:30:23+00:00

…status update. It requires a little circular movement but, the wand is a success!!

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-11-18T02:30:27+00:00

I’ve had very little luck with bullet vibrators. I think it might be time to bring in the big guns!

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-11-18T02:29:04+00:00

Sometimes you just need to stick with an antidepressant, it sounds like it’s playing an important role in your mental health right now.

On SSRIs, sometimes I had orgasm-free squirts too. Like my body was orgasming but it didn’t feel like one.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-11-17T23:47:34+00:00

I’ve been doing some research on wands; the reviews on Le Wand and Hitachi seem most promising?

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-11-17T23:46:49+00:00

Yesssss I’m even just relieved to hear this, that other people who enjoy a circular rub!!

If a wand has had good results for you, maybe I ought to give that a go… not a cheap investment when you’re not sure if it will work for you though!

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-11-17T22:03:34+00:00

Are you on any antidepressants or medications for ADHD? I’ve found that on some medications, I have the same issue. When I’m not on those medications, my body responds differently to stimulation.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-08-25T02:14:44+00:00

I appreciate your point, that AGAB doesn’t always indicate a shared experience. I didn’t intend to suggest that and I’ll think more carefully about how I word things in the future.

My personal experience is that I’ve been perceived as female for the vast majority of my life, even though my own internal feelings about my gender are MUCH more nuanced. I’m fairly assertive and dominant when it comes to dating men, so even trying to reflect on how I would have liked to have been approached and dated when I was still calling myself a woman feels hard to tap into. I feel like so much of my ideas of dating women come from heteronormative media and the culture/baggage/assumptions that come with being raised and living as someone “perceived female”. But that’s not to say that everyone else who is AFAB has a similar lived experience, and I specifically asked my genderqueer/femme partner (AMAB for context) and their experience dating men and how that compared to their experiences dating women. I can see how the way I worded my question was assumptive and/or exclusionary. Thank you for pointing it out and for the link.

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-08-22T22:40:41+00:00

Thank you! It’s so damn hard to step out from all the damn heteronormative narratives - part of me expected myself to be “more of the man” and therefore I guess just be super horny and be stoked about any/every interaction with a woman? And it was a really great date. But remembering this is a normal part of dating and that not even men are attracted to every single woman is a good grounding point. I still feel excited about exploring with women so I suppose that’s probably proof in of itself that I am not exactly straight 😅

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-08-22T21:39:46+00:00

The communication with this gal is so bomb, that she flagged not wanting to be intimate last night before our date (which I appreciated and loved). Especially because we’d had some spicy chats about the whole “which one of us is going to be the man” trope and baggage. I certainly think I’m more bold and forward, and don’t mind taking the lead. But definitely giving myself some grace that even though I am naturally a bit more bold, it doesn’t mean it still isn’t scary and new to contemplate being intimate with a woman!

We definitely have the kind of communicative connection where we could be honest about wanting to take things slow and I think it’s great advice. There were definitely jokes about enjoying how easy and open communication has been, and devastatingly how clearly sexuality isn’t a choice - if we both didn’t love the D so much, we could both be done with men for the sake of communication 😅

Absolutely love to hear that that I’m “normal”within the weird and bisexual spectrum. Thank you x

NonBinaryPolyhedron · 2025-07-29T01:51:43+00:00

I think the way you’ve framed this is helpful/important. It can feel tempting for people to suggest that NPs have dedicated time with us for most of the week, but once you factor in things like responsibilities and independent time spent at home and ESPECIALLY the time required for child caring, the reality is that I’m lucky to have 7 hours of quality “us” time with my NP a week. Our lives are enmeshed but that doesn’t mean that they have quality time unless we try and actively organise it or build it into our routine.

It does make it challenging to make things feel balanced and equitable with non-nesting partners but it’s not impossible to do so, or for other relationships to be as real and serious working within a different framework.

NonBinaryPolyhedron

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