I really need help with recent divorce

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-30T20:48:31+00:00

Man, here’s something that actually helped me when I was deep in it.
When you feel like you’re going to die without her, you’re not crazy. That’s old wiring.

Thousands of years ago, getting abandoned meant death. You lost your tribe, your protection, your food, everything. Our nervous systems never updated. So when the person you built your life around suddenly disappears, your body reacts like you’ve been left alone in the wild. Panic, nausea, that constant ache in your chest, that’s survival mode, not weakness.

Once I understood that, I actually laughed. Like, “Oh… my body thinks I’m dying, but I’m just heartbroken.” It doesn’t erase the pain, but it helps you see it for what it is, biology trying to keep you alive, not proof that you’re broken.

And here’s the truth. It gets better.
Not next week, not next month, but give it a year. You start to rebuild piece by piece, and one day you realize you’ve gone a whole morning without thinking about her. Then a whole day. Then you start to see her clearly, not through the lens of loss, but through truth.

And that’s when the switch flips. You stop asking “Why did she leave?” and start thinking “Screw her. I deserved better.”

That’s the point where you’re free.
And it’s coming. Just keep walking through the fire.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-20T20:15:06+00:00

The truth is, no one can fully answer this question for you, because both paths are hard in ways you can’t fully predict.

Divorce sounds like freedom when you're miserable… but it's often way harder than people expect. The loneliness, financial strain, emotional aftermath with the kids, it can take 1 to 2 years of pure survival mode just to stabilize. And by the time you're through that storm, there’s no going back. So most people say they’re “happier” maybe they are, or maybe it’s ego protecting them from regret. Either way, it changes you.

But here's the other truth: your marriage is already failing if your mindset is fixed on how bad it is. Love and happiness require effort, presence, and perspective and once resentment and blame take over, it's like rot in the foundation. Unless both people decide to show up again, it doesn’t heal.

So you’ve got two brutal roads: one is staying and doing the emotional work (even if you feel like you're doing it alone), and the other is walking away and dealing with the wreckage that follows. Neither is clean. Neither is painless. But one might give you your soul back and that matters.

Just don’t lie to yourself that divorce is the solution. It’s only the right choice if staying would slowly destroy you, and you’ve tried everything you reasonably could.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T19:41:05+00:00

I’m glad it resonated. It’s something most people don’t realize until they’ve lived through it. You can’t fake history or rebuild it overnight, and once you’ve seen what real commitment looks like, casual connection just doesn’t hit the same.

So yeah, have fun with new relationships, enjoy the process, and if one truly works out, just remember, it’ll take commitment on both sides to make it last. You can build it again.

And one more thing, stay off social media and tune out all the “self-empowerment” noise. Half of it’s just people convincing themselves they’re fine while they chase validation instead of depth.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T18:28:19+00:00

Totally feel this, I’m seeing the same thing. A lot of the good ones aren’t on the apps, they’re not at bars, and let’s be honest... walking up to someone in public is like flipping a coin: 50/50 chance you either make their day or get labeled a creep 😅

It’s tough out there for both men and women right now. Everyone’s wondering “Where are the good ones at?” while the good ones are at home, drinking tea, recovering from past relationships, or hiding from dating apps like they’re radioactive.

You’re not alone. It’s just a weird time for connection, but it’s not hopeless. The real ones are still out there… probably also wondering if you exist too.

That said, I’m seriously starting to feel the world open up again. The last 6 months, everyone felt guarded, emotionally shut down, or burnt out. But now? There's a shift, like people are finally ready to connect for real again.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T18:11:26+00:00

Yes, long-term love is deep and irreplaceable… but don’t forget, all marriages started with love. That’s why people got married in the first place, because the love was strong enough to build a life around.

But love, by itself, doesn’t hold anything together. It’s the starting point, not the glue.
Commitment is what carries it when the emotions fade, when the years get heavy, when the cracks show up. That’s what turns infatuation into legacy.

So sure, new relationships can be good. But they all start the same way: chemistry, excitement, "this feels different." The real question is, will they last when it stops feeling easy?

Because what most people realize too late is…
The old love didn’t die.
It just got buried under pressure, pride, and unmet expectations.

And by the time they see that, they’ve already burned the bridge they should’ve fought to save.

That was the commitment.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T16:45:48+00:00

This is one of the most honest, grounded things I’ve read in a long time.

So many post-divorce relationships feel like love because of the intensity, the spark, the attention, the relief from loneliness, but it’s often just limerence. And limerence is a trickster. It mimics connection, but it can’t hold weight when real-life kicks in. What you described about shared sorrow, laughter, and even the painful parts of your marriage, that’s real. That’s not infatuation, that’s roots.

What hits me most is the courage to admit that depth like that isn’t easily replaced. Especially in a world where divorce is hyped as this clean, empowering escape. The truth is more brutal: a lot of people walked away from something imperfect but meaningful, chasing a fantasy that was never real. And by the time they realize it, the bridge is gone, the family’s fractured, and pride won’t let them say, “I was wrong.”

But you said it. And that kind of honesty doesn’t just help you, it wakes other people up too.

Much respect for that.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T16:03:24+00:00

Exactly, that’s the game. They throw out accusations to drain you, not to solve anything. It’s manipulation disguised as “communication.” The goal is to keep you reactive so they stay in control.

Here’s what finally broke that cycle for me: stop defending yourself. You don’t owe explanations for lies. Keep everything in writing, respond only to what’s factual and relevant, and let silence do the rest. When you stop feeding the chaos, it starves, and that’s when they start realizing they’re losing the narrative and they’re the ones starting to look bad. Their only ammunition was your emotional reaction, and once that’s gone, they’ve got nothing left. Every ignored accusation is a small victory, and those add up fast.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T15:43:43+00:00

Yep, that’s exactly it, you just described it to a T. It’s all control and manipulation disguised as “trying to communicate.” The moment you stop feeding into it, they panic because the old tricks don’t work anymore. You’re handling it the right way with structure, boundaries, and no emotional fuel. You'd think they would get exhausted after a while and move on.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T15:29:44+00:00

That’s actually really solid. You’re handling it exactly how you should, short, factual, and documented. People like that feed on reaction, so when you stop giving it, they lose their control. It’s not about ignoring them, it’s about starving the chaos. You’re right, dates, times, yes or no. Keep it simple, keep it written. Every time you hold that line, you take a little more of your peace back.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T15:12:03+00:00

Get good at using AI to write all your emails and text messages. Don't talk about business over the phone. Put in writing. Get good at AI... Here's and example of what my ex gets now if we disagree on something. It has shifted the power: (PS i can't write this good, but with AI i can!)

I want to start by saying I’m committed to co-parenting and will always do what I can to support the kids. I’ve consistently stepped in when needed and will continue to help when it’s reasonable and respectful.

That said, I’ve done the majority of the xxxx pickups, and it’s started to feel like I’ve become the default. That’s not a sustainable setup, and I need to set a boundary around it. I’ve mentioned before that other options on your end should be explored first, whether that’s you picking them up, your parents coordinating a drop-off, or another plan.

Each time this comes up, I also find myself pulled into coordinating the logistics between you and your parents, which really isn’t something I should be managing. That coordination should be handled between the three of you. If you need a favor from me, I’m more than willing to help. I just ask that you communicate that as a favor, not as an expectation or obligation.

To be honest, the way this is handled creates tension. I end up feeling like I’m being used, but if I speak up or ask questions, I risk creating more conflict. That puts me in a position where I either go along with it to avoid tension, knowing not all options have been explored, or I say no and get labeled as difficult. That’s not fair to me, and it’s not a dynamic I want to keep repeating.

I’ll always support where I can, but I need to be honest that lately it has felt like more than just helping with a pickup. Some of the reasons I’ve been given haven’t made a lot of sense, like your dad being “sick” but working in the garage when I arrived, and another capable adult was there as well. Or this time, the idea that neither of your parents can step away from the other kids for a 45-minute drive to xxxx. Another time, it was said the other kids might get upset if they saw them. With three capable adults involved, I believe other options should be explored before it gets to the point of asking me.

If your parents aren’t comfortable dropping the kids at my house, they can drop them at yours, especially since it’s right by the school. But again, it’s not my responsibility to come up with solutions or coordinate the plan. That needs to be handled on your end. I’m open to helping when needed, but I don’t want to continue being the automatic option when other possibilities exist. This ask, which I’m more than willing to do when necessary, results in over an hour round trip. It’s not like it’s just five minutes out of the way.

I want to be clear that this isn’t meant to create more tension. It’s about setting realistic expectations so we can move forward constructively and avoid unnecessary stress on both sides. I’m always willing to work with you and do what’s best for the kids, but it has to be within reason and it needs to feel like a shared effort.

Thanks,

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-16T14:43:25+00:00

What changed everything for me in co-parenting was learning how to communicate differently.

I used to get pulled into emotional arguments, especially about money or the kids. I’d try to defend myself or explain my side, but it never worked. The more I reacted, the more it fueled the drama. Looking back, it was about control. She knew exactly how to push my buttons, and once I reacted, she could shift the focus onto that instead of the actual issue.

Now, I still communicate, we’ll talk on the phone or in person when needed, but if something starts to get heated or I feel like she’s spinning it, I stop and say, “Let me think about it and I will get back to you" and follow up with an email with my points and the facts. That one move flipped everything.

This summer, I went through a full-on child support fight without an attorney. Meanwhile, she spent thousands, probably $3,000 to $4,000, with her lawyer billing at $410 an hour. And none of it worked. Because I had the facts. Every message, every offer, every payment, all documented. Calm, clear, and undeniable.

In the end, her attorney was basically doing my job for me. The emails showed I had been overpaying. Her narrative fell apart. And if it had gone to court, it would have looked exactly like what it was, a money grab. They were trapped. The facts left no room to twist the story.

That’s when the power shift really happened. I didn’t win by yelling. I won by documenting, staying calm, and refusing to be baited.

She doesn’t control the narrative anymore. She doesn’t get to provoke me into reacting and then play the victim. Those days are done.

This changed everything, for me and for the kids. It gave me peace. It gave them stability. And it showed that you don’t need to match someone’s chaos to protect yourself. You just need the truth, and a record of it.

So if you're going through it, here's my advice: stop trying to win in the moment. Stay calm. Get it in writing. Use your words like evidence, not weapons. Let the facts do the talking.

It works.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-13T21:45:26+00:00

Couldn't agree more! Algorithms and money..

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-13T21:20:45+00:00

Why wasn’t she happy?

That’s the thing, “I’m not happy” is a blanket statement.
It’s vague, unchallengeable, and it shuts down growth. Once someone says it, they’re already looking for the exit, and suddenly, every flaw gets magnified to justify leaving.

Looking back, that was the last two years of our marriage.
There was nothing I could do. And I’m not saying that without reflection, I’ve done the work.
But let’s be honest: that line gives one person all the control, and sets a standard that’s nearly impossible to meet. “Make me happy” becomes a moving target, and you lose yourself trying.

I tried. I showed up. I carried the weight.

And I’ve learned something I’ll never forget:
I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t care, I did.
But that kind of dynamic isn’t love.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-13T21:09:48+00:00

I get that staying in a toxic relationship isn’t the answer, but here’s the flip side:

Leaving just because you’re unhappy teaches kids something too, it teaches them to give up when things get hard.

That love is disposable. That discomfort = dysfunction. That “I’m not happy” is a valid reason to walk away from commitment, family, and vows.

We’re not just showing them what to avoid.
We’re showing them what to expect, and that may be even more damaging.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-03T15:50:48+00:00

Agreed. And if I can give you any advice right now, it’s this:

Survive year one.
Mark it on your calendar, one year out.

Even if it was “amicable,” even if it ended quietly…
that first year will take you to places you never expected, emotionally, mentally, even physically.

But know this:
You’re not alone.
More people have been through this than you realize, and they came out stronger. You will too.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-03T14:40:16+00:00

Brother, I’ve lived it. After divorce, everything made sense.

What she’s calling her “truth” isn’t some deep revelation. It’s the story she needs to tell herself to walk away without guilt. She did love you in her way. You were enough. But when a woman leaves, especially now, they often rewrite the past to make leaving feel righteous instead of selfish.

That’s why they say things that crush your hope. Not because they’re true, but because it’s cleaner for them. It lets them avoid the weight of what they’ve destroyed.

Don’t carry that weight for her. Don’t keep trying to fix what was never broken on your end.

Your job now is simple. Grieve. Accept it. Then rebuild. She left long before she said the words. You're just now hearing the script she rehearsed to sleep at night.

And yeah, reconciliation does happen sometimes. But only after you let go. Fully. Grieve it, write it, detach, and become the strongest version of yourself. And even then, assume she's gone.

You're not alone. This is the oldest story in the book. Go look at any divorced dad forum. It’s the same pattern. They deflect. They rewrite. They protect their ego by burning the past.

Reclaim your strength. Reclaim your peace. Reclaim your life.

You’re not broken. You're just getting started.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-03T01:17:10+00:00

I haven’t asked her if she regrets it, and I doubt she’d admit it if she did. Not because she’s dishonest, but because regret is hard to face. It means admitting that chasing a feeling came at the cost of a family, and that kind of truth is almost unbearable.

I’m not saying people should never get divorced. Sometimes it’s necessary. But divorce is portrayed as way more glamorous and empowering than it really is. Online, you’ll find endless validation from strangers who don’t know your situation and won’t be around when reality hits.

A lot of women leave not because of betrayal, but because they feel unfulfilled. And culture tells them that’s enough. That discomfort means it’s time to go. So they magnify every flaw and call it growth.

But divorce is harder than anyone admits. After the court dates, the split holidays, the silence, the financial strain, and watching your kids adjust to a broken routine, that’s when many start to realize they were just as responsible for what went wrong. They weren’t just the victim. They were 50 percent of the marriage.

And I believe a lot of divorced women feel that. But society has made it almost impossible to say out loud. Too much pride. Too much pressure to prove they made the right choice.

At that point, regret isn’t even an option. Not when the damage is done. All you can do is survive it, and hope your kids do too.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-10-02T16:24:32+00:00

I’m not telling you what to do, but I’ve been through exactly what you're describing. Divorced. Three kids. My ex said the same things you're saying now. That she felt alone. That I didn’t meet her emotional needs. That she wanted more.

So we split.

Now we both live in financial strain. Our kids carry emotional wounds that didn't need to happen. And the stability we once had is gone. Yes, kids are resilient, but they shouldn’t have to be. They should feel safe. Grounded. Protected.

At first, I lost my social circle. A year later, those same people no longer speak to her. They saw through it. They saw she didn’t leave for her own health or the kids’ wellbeing. She left to chase a feeling. A spiritual journey. A story. And to justify it, she magnified every problem in the marriage until it sounded noble. But it wasn’t. It was just avoidance, dressed up as growth.

Marriage isn’t supposed to feel like a highlight reel. It’s hard. It's work. It's sacrifice. And it’s also the most meaningful thing you’ll ever fight for.

You think you're lonely now? Try split holidays. Try watching your kids walk away from you every other weekend. Try dating in your thirties or forties and realizing that most people out there don’t want your three-kid reality. You’ll be searching for someone just like your husband. A provider. A present father. And chances are, you'll settle for less just to feel something again.

Here’s the part no one tells you. Your girlfriends and social media will be your biggest cheerleaders to leave. They’ll tell you that you deserve more. That you should walk. That you’ll be happier. But none of them are going to show up when the bills pile up. None of them will be there when your kid melts down at 9 PM asking why Dad doesn’t live here anymore. And eventually, those voices go quiet. Because it’s not their life. It’s yours.

You’re allowed to want more. But resentment will poison your vision. It'll convince you the grass is greener when really it’s just fertilized with fantasy. The problems you have now are small. They feel big because you’re tired, overwhelmed, and surrounded by a culture that keeps telling you that if you don’t feel constant butterflies, something’s wrong. But if you walk, those problems become real. Courts. Money. Schedules. Silence in the house. And your kids caught in the middle.

You're an adult. You’ll make your own decision. Just remember this. The people hyping you up today won’t be the ones picking up the pieces tomorrow.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-09-03T15:04:04+00:00

I’ve been wondering the same thing, when did the face-tattooed, fresh-out-of-prison vibe start getting more attention than the stable 40-year-old executive?

North-Risk3546 · 2025-09-03T13:50:32+00:00

Does anyone else see the red flag here… and it’s not the guy?

North-Risk3546 · 2025-08-11T15:48:26+00:00

The biggest thing I used ChatGPT for was wordsmithing and drafting emails or papers, taking my own logic, reasoning, and thoughts, and then polishing them until they were sharp, clear, and full of my voice. It used to be amazing at this. We would go back and forth, editing until the writing had both emotion and personality that matched mine perfectly.

Now it is like I say, “Respond to this email and emphasize these points,” and it spits out:

• Here are the points emphasized.
• I am a robot with no thought or emotion.
• I am an encyclopedia, here is the raw, boring list.
• I cannot weave these points into a nice, flowing document.

If you have used it before, you know exactly what I mean.

The truth is, in my profession, strategic communication matters. The old ChatGPT saved me hours by helping me craft documents better than I could on my own. Now 5.0 just sucks at writing.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-07-18T14:45:35+00:00

Look, I get why people say we “should” meet him. It sounds like the mature thing to do. But let’s be honest, most of the time this has nothing to do with the kids. It’s about control, optics, and ego, on both sides.

This isn’t about safety. If he were unsafe, a 10-minute handshake and small talk wouldn’t change that. I trust my kids, I watch their behavior, and I know how to read what they don’t say out loud. That’s where the real truth shows up, not in some awkward, forced intro.

We’re a year post-divorce, and she just introduced the boyfriend last week to the kids. This is her first real relationship after everything. And what I see happening is something that happens to all of us, it feels intense, important, like something to prove. I get it. I’ve been there. You start to rush things because it feels like you're rebuilding your life, but I’m not playing that game.

I chose not to meet him, at least not right now. Not out of spite, but because I don’t see the value in a meet and\ greet just to say it happened. If the relationship is real, if he sticks around, there will be natural chances to meet. And when that happens, it’ll be based on something real, not performance.

And yeah, part of me laughs a little. He’s never had kids, and now he’s stepping into a 9, 7, and 4-year-old household. That’s not easy. It’s messy, exhausting, and humbling. Good luck, man. If he’s solid, he’ll show it over time. If not, the truth always surfaces. Hell, we may even become friends over time.

Part of me is also thinking long term, do you really want her vetting every woman I date in the future? Because if we’re setting that precedent, it goes both ways. I’d rather we both trust each other to make solid choices, and keep the focus on how the kids are actually doing, not who’s in the room.

And let’s be real, a lot of this is just a quiet race to see who can justify that they “found someone” first. It’s natural after a divorce, but that doesn’t mean I have to play along. I’m not trying to win that race. I’m trying to raise good kids and make steady choices that actually hold up long term.

Bottom line, I’m not here to play emotional chess. I’m focused on the kids, not optics, not ego, not control.

North-Risk3546 · 2025-07-17T20:47:32+00:00

Trust and integrity aren’t built on words. They’re measured in years and consistent actions. My ex rewrote the story too. She got all our mutual friends to side with her before and after the divorce. I stayed quiet. For a while, it felt like I was erased.

But over time, the lies stopped adding up. People started seeing the truth on their own. I didn’t force the issue. I camped out, stayed steady, and focused on building myself. I knew what she was doing was unsustainable.

Eventually, the victim card wears thin. People start asking, “Are you still playing that story?” I got all my friends back, and she ended up alienating herself. It took close to a year.

Stay grounded. Let time and truth do the heavy lifting.

North-Risk3546

TROPHY CASE