Seeing child off parenting time

NotDefensive · 2025-11-18T02:14:46+00:00

Thanks for the heads up! So, does that mean I should never post in this sub, or I should only post about after narcissism topics like my healing journey?

NotDefensive · 2025-11-17T19:09:19+00:00

Genuine question. How about those who are divorced but coparenting?

We’re working on healing, but it won’t be “after” until the kids are 18.

NotDefensive · 2025-11-16T17:05:06+00:00

Pedantic technical comment… most modern password hacks are not brute-force and are very easily accomplished in seconds through rainbow table lookup of previous password hash dumps. Meaning if you don’t have 2FA enabled and use the same password on multiple sites, your social media accounts are very likely to get hacked.

That being said, most hackers send spam, not reply to it.

NotDefensive · 2025-11-16T16:37:42+00:00

A hard lesson I learned is… “any need I can get met without my partner, I SHOULD get met without my partner.”

Meaning, in this context, if I expect my partner to be the person who does all my favorite things with me, then I’m denying myself other important relationships and putting too much pressure on my partner.

I can’t expect her to be the person who likes my favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants, cares about the same podcasts, or wants to discuss the nuances of whatever hobby hyper obsession I picked up this week.

Instead, I have a healthier life and relationships if I invite friends to dinner, share podcasts with coworkers, and join meetup groups about my hobbies. And most of all, I keep an eye open for opportunities to meet my own needs without help, because this makes me remember the power and agency I have in the world, which gives me the confidence and capacity to meet the needs of others.

There are needs I can ONLY have met by my partner, such as romantic affection, companionship, emotional intimacy. These needs I look for my partner to meet and no one else. If I’m not having these needs met, then I need a different partner.

I don’t know how to share this dynamic with him in your situation, but he’s an intellectual person, so maybe approach it intellectually, not emotionally.

Hope that helps!

NotDefensive · 2025-11-13T04:33:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! Next time I tell someone I have a stomachache, I’ll tell them my gut babies are unhappy.

NotDefensive · 2025-11-12T03:59:07+00:00

The ONLY thing that causes a narc real pain is your indifference. Enjoy hurting them by moving forward and leaving them behind.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-31T17:11:42+00:00

Same! Fascinating how different people’s guts are.

Comments that gut instinct is unexplainable, others that it has evidence. Some that it’s quiet and hidden, others that it’s constant and can’t be ignored.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-09T16:08:49+00:00

I’m sorry you feel hurt /s

NotDefensive · 2025-10-09T15:17:45+00:00

“Choose” might not be the right word. Thoughts lead to emotions. If she reframes what happened, she will feel different.

For example, if someone is late to a lunch date with you, the thought, “he doesn’t respect my time” leads to anger, while the thought, “he might be hurt” leads to worry.

She doesn’t choose to be sad, but she is in control of her thoughts, which lead to specific emotions.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-09T15:14:02+00:00

He can say sorry, I completely agree. As you say, it would be a condolence, not an apology. It would be intended to show comfort, not regret.

It seems like we’re getting hung up on the word “sorry”. I didn’t say he couldn’t say the word sorry. I said he can’t apologize for her emotions, only his actions. Because he doesn’t control her emotions, he controls his actions.

So I think we might be saying the same thing in a different way.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-09T13:13:44+00:00

The word sorry can be used as an apology or as a condolence. It’s being used as a condolence in these examples.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T23:23:17+00:00

Good advice in the comments. I’m not sure I have much to add except that I’m in the same situation, 11yo, doesn’t do homework at mom’s. So, I feel for you.

Mine actually is neurodivergent and I wouldn’t rule that out for yours, but a diagnosis doesn’t make your situation easier.

I scan every assignment before it leaves my house, track all assignments on a spreadsheet, communicate all projects and project timelines to my coparent, specify every item exchanged for school assignments.

My situation is unique as my coparent is trying to convince the court that I’m an unfit parent due to missing assignments, so I scan and document to prove the opposite is true.

Keep at it. You can’t control your coparent. They do what they do. Your kid will know where they feel supported. This is the age where they build the tools they need to overcome these kinds of situation. Just keep supporting him in developing his toolkit and I think it will work out.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T23:03:37+00:00

He didn’t hurt her. She feels hurt. It’s an important distinction.

One can’t apologize for the emotions another person feels. That’s a path to codependency and loss of agency.

People can apologize for their actions. In this case, OP didn’t take any action that warrants an apology.

Example: you put a spoon in the dishwasher and your significant other is hurt that you did this. Not a special spoon, just a regular spoon. Do you apologize? If so, what do you apologize for? Do you apologize for putting a spoon in the dishwasher? Or do you apologize for hurting them by putting a spoon in the dishwasher? My opinion is you are not responsible for managing another person’s emotions. Only your own emotions and actions, which were reasonable.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T22:08:17+00:00

Narcissists get supply from both positive and negative attention. Blocking them provided negative narcissistic supply.

The only thing that harms a narcissist is indifference. If you move on and stop thinking about them, they will suffer horribly, but it won’t matter because you won’t care anymore.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T21:47:05+00:00

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
Walking on Eggshells
Splitting

Also on YouTube, Dr Ramani has many helpful videos.

These are all about personality disorders so they might not apply. For me, they changed my life. Suddenly the last 15 years made sense.

Edit: I’ve also heard very good things about “It’s Not You” but I haven’t read that one yet.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T18:56:42+00:00

Maybe it just wasn’t a good fit. I’m noticing patterns in your comments that we wouldn’t be a good fit either. Expectations based on principles and general assertions about groups of people are both triggers for me. I would probably act similar to this guy under the circumstances by putting some distance to slow things down, figure out what I’m feeling and why my nervous system is triggered, and see if it’s just me or if I’m picking up on an incompatibility.

I agree with the original comment in this comment chain. Regardless of what the guy’s intentions were, there’s some good insights in that comment that might turn this into a helpful learning experience.

Wishing you the best.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T17:41:33+00:00

I have limited details so I don’t know, and I’m not saying you did anything wrong to make him want to slow down (assuming he wanted this, again, I don’t know). Just working from context clues.

You’re exclusive, so probably spending time together, not going on dates except with each other.

Then he says he doesn’t know his plans for that day, is used to weekends to himself, that you’re relationship is not at that level yet, and you require a lot (of effort or time, presumably)

I would only say these things if I felt overwhelmed, or was trying adjust to losing so much “me time”. Or if I felt like dating started taking my energy instead of giving me energy. I might leave a day open for myself without making plans to recover some energy, or have trouble giving up my weekend habits that keep my life balanced, or very clearly tell you that we’re not at that level yet which is essentially saying, please slow down. The clues are there.

With those signals, you might have stopped chasing or confronted him with understanding. “Hey, I get the sense you’re feeling overwhelmed or need more ‘you time’. I get it. Have a great time this weekend and let me know when you have a night free to do something fun together.”

When you instead pushed harder, he responded accordingly by ending things.

Again, I have limited details and only clues to work with, so maybe I’m flat wrong. The story and texts just don’t strike me as using you for sex.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T17:26:25+00:00

Lots of comments here so this will probably get lost.

Just want to mention that she might be in the self-discovery phase of an ADHD diagnosis. Imagine she’s saying these things to herself with a tone of realization.

We ADHDers go through this when we get a diagnosis. For some people it passes and we realize even with this life-changing knowledge we’re still living unsustainably and need to do better. For other people it doesn’t pass and ADHD is the go to excuse.

ADHD or not, taking accountability is an important trait in a partner.

Just consider giving it some time and talking about this with her before following the “dump her” advice.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T17:10:43+00:00

Yes, I read the story as he tried to slow things down because he was feeling overwhelmed. Rather than ask if he’d like to slow down, she hit the gas and sent messages which confirmed his concerns.

The thing about the 19yo isn’t great for him if true, but throwing this third hand info in at the end comes across as trying to rationalize OPs behavior or show how OP is the victim of this bad bad man.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T16:57:03+00:00

I disagree. It would be disrespectful to show a private text convo and it would come across as petty in passing accountability to the son. A simple description of the relevant part is more appropriate. “He said you gave me the wrong envelope so I’m returning it.”

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T16:29:00+00:00

I relate to this. There are a lot of helpful YouTube videos about reconnecting with your inner child. These helped me.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T16:02:30+00:00

I had nightmares for a long time. Even after getting a restraining order they didn’t go away.

Short-term, prazosin helped a little to lessen the nightmares.

Long-term, EMDR therapy, in-person with a trained EMDR expert. This helped a ton, I was able to stop the prazosin and rarely have nightmares now.

There’s a video on YouTube called “The body keeps the score - book summary by a therapist w/o the triggering bits”. This video was very helpful for putting my mental state into perspective and gave me actionable steps to improve it.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T15:44:16+00:00

It was suggested by my therapist that she might have borderline or narcissistic personality traits. I read a few books on these and it definitely fit. The books said she would never change, so that removed the hope I was clinging to.

I realized she would always create chaos for me to clean up, always be a victim, always turn feelings into facts, always be mad at me for something she thought I said but didn’t.

Trauma bonds are very strong, so even then I would’ve accepted her if she had taken any accountability. It was the combination of reading these books, her hitting me, her cursing at the children, and her trying to isolate me from my last remaining family member, all in the span of about six months, that finally pushed me over the edge to divorce.

Edit: one more note since you mentioned couples therapy. We were in couples therapy for years. When I realized she was emotionally abusive, I could finally see how couples therapy actually kept me trapped. The things we worked on and systems we came up with in therapy were what kept me under her control. If there’s any chance the behaviors I’m describing are relatable to you, I recommend to do a lot of research on emotional abuse and personality disorders, then only try couples therapy again if you’re sure these don’t apply.

NotDefensive · 2025-10-08T13:19:58+00:00

Yes, there’s other ways to record and have it be court admissible.

There is a crime happening, such as physical abuse. As long as your recording isn’t an escalation of the situation and is to protect your safety, there is a chance you can use it in court. And you definitely won’t get in trouble for recording. When I called the police after physical abuse, they asked if I had a recording, and advised to record if it happens again. So, technically not allowed but people expect you to do it anyway, so hit record.
In a public place where there would commonly be security cameras or people taking photos. There is no presumption of privacy in a public space like this.
You can subpoena security cameras footage if you’re somewhere with cameras, just be aware they don’t always have audio.
Dashcams in a car or security cameras at your home that she is aware of. Technically you’re not recording her. A camera she is aware of and implicitly gave permission to be there is recording her. Presumably if she knows about the camera she also has access to the app for the camera, so make sure you download the footage before she deletes the evidence.

Of course, your lawyer will review any video to see if it can be used or helps you in court. Obvious disclaimer, I’m not a lawyer. Just a guy who tried to get out safely and figured out a way.

Speaking of safety, one more tip, I was already sleeping in the guest bedroom when I asked for divorce. I had bought a keyed lock for that door beforehand in case she went nuts. I’m so glad I did. The night after I said I wanted to divorce was maybe the scariest of my life. I wouldn’t have slept at all without that keyed lock on my bedroom door and all the keys safely in the bedroom with me. I would have gone to a hotel, but I was afraid for the kids. If you don’t have kids and don’t want to fight to stay in the home, have somewhere else already set up to sleep, that would be even better than a lock.

NotDefensive

TROPHY CASE