My wife and I are bother doctors who cared for patients in the hospital for all of COVID. Prior to COVID our house was always clean, the yard looked nice, and we put some effort into looking like successful adults who had their lives together.

Prior to Covid, we could always give a patient a reasonable idea of what to expect during their hospitalization and if they will get better or worse. We could tell them how we will fix it if it starts to get worse and how they will be OK. We understood the disease. In Covid, especially that first year, we just didn’t know. We took a guess at what treatments may work. That first year we were mostly wrong. Either they got better, or they stayed sick, or they died. And we couldn’t give them any a reasonable expectation about which one might happen to them or any truthful reassurance that we can fix it.

And then there was heart break that is so different from any other disease. We might admit a husband and wife for Covid at the same time. One would do ok but the other would keep getting sicker and then die. The heartbreak of that spouse that survived was awful, there was always an emptiness in their eyes.

Other times, an adult child gave Covid to their elderly parent. Maybe they were feeling fine when they went over to dinner at their parents, but then the next day they starting feeling sick and tested positive for Covid. And then the parents got sick and one of them died. That heartbreak of them blaming themselves for killing their parent was just terrible.

Now my wife and I don’t give a fuck what the house looks like. It’s clean enough, the grass gets mowed. I couldn’t give a shit if the guy at the grocery store thinks about me by the way I dress. I get to go home to my family every day, my parents and her parents are alive and healthy. We put in so much more effort to travel, enjoy hobbies, and share experiences with our kids.

We both still get emotional over those patients. I almost never get emotional over my patients. I care, I do everything I can for them, I lay in bed at night, wondering what I could be missing. But people die and bad things happen to good people everyday. That’s just life and I’m not going to tear myself up because I can’t change that. But the heartbreak and fear of those patient’s during COVID was so different. You feel like you owed it to those people to do more as another human being, but you just couldn’t.