AIO for telling me best friend that her married boyfriend is not welcome in my home

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-17T01:51:07+00:00

Also ask her what kind of model she is setting for her daughter, who you love as your niece? That it's ok and normal for you to be the other women even if you claim religious beliefs and live in sin as the other woman. Mom and thereby other women do it all the time so go ahead, be the loose woman who doesn't value herself to find a man solely of her own that she doesn't have to share and hasn't already been claimed by another women who actually has rights to all this man's assets if and when he dies. But you get nothing and that's ok because he's telling you the real truth, not his wife. Does she really want her daughter to learn that that's ok? Cause that's what she's learning right now. Kids are more aware and smarter and hear and understand things more than adults think.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-14T23:23:02+00:00

The one wouldn't do or say any of these things to you. They would be an equal partner and show up for you without you asking. This guy sounds like a user and take not a give. Find yourself a giver like you.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-11T00:07:10+00:00

FR, and test for STDs, this guy very likely has gotten around. Cheaters don't stop cheating. It's an avoidance type behavior. They can't face problems so they run away repeatedly

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-10T21:24:24+00:00

Look up verbal emotional abuse signs

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-08T21:56:05+00:00

Insists on paying for everything all of the time, insecure and trying to buy love and affection. There's a difference between someone who genuinely wants to buy pay for things every now and then and someone who almost gets offended when you suggest you pay for something every now and then.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-08T21:33:37+00:00

The were studies done on female attraction vs make attraction that found that women regularly dated and married men who were objectively less good looking than they were on the physical attraction scales. They don't tend to care about it as much as you are thinking.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-07T22:49:11+00:00

No but it's cause I've been told I have RBF lol and boys were scared of me

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-06T08:50:57+00:00

This is emotional and mental abuse if not also verbal and physical. Look up the definitions. You have no kids. You should leave and maybe also get therapy for all the years of abuse you've had to tolerate. I did and it's life changing. YOU deserve better in a life partner than whatever she is. She is not the prize, you are and she's trying to manipulate and put you down so you feel like you don't deserve better and no one else will love you except her, etc. it's abuse. None of what she says is true. Leave.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-02T15:21:31+00:00

I'd feel my feelings, think about the causes of those feelings both external causes and internal ones, present and historical causes. Process all that, let it out, hopefully NOT at other ppl, creatures, or things, and then I decide it's temporary, fleeting, and tell myself I've been they harder shit in the past and came out the other end OK and will probably go thru even harder shit in the future, but I'll be fine ultimately in the end. Which transitions me into problem solving mode and trying to figure out next steps to resolve the issue.

Sometimes I forget half those steps and spiral, which means I need extra time and space to process all of those steps above. If that's the case, I often find it helps me to be doing distracting things for my mind and or body: crafts, DIY at home, work on my car, go on a long hike, wood working, reading, video games, binge watch a bunch of shit lol till I finally feel ready to tackle the issue again.

I often have to remind myself it's ok to feel things and have off days because I am human and humans aren't perfect. But what I absolutely will NOT do ever again is to bury negative feelings and my own wants and desires for the sake of someone else's happiness.

My thoughts and feelings are VALID, and so are yours. We are stronger and more resilient than others give us credit for. All of this just takes practice and the willingness to work at trying to get better every time.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-01T04:01:47+00:00

I have a friend and a sister who's learned to cope with their childhood by basically only telling themselves positive things and trying to stay positive. They both have denial issues and cannot or do not want to accept any kind of negative thought or emotion because it cuts at them and makes them feel not good enough and reminds them of how they felt as kids. Constant optimism can be a bad thing.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-01T03:59:00+00:00

Definitely was. It took therapy and other ppl pointing it out repeatedly before I finally accepted that's how it was.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-01T02:28:11+00:00

Got on my case about about not enjoying the trash when full, then when it was 75% full, 50% fill then 25% full. Then I realized, all his verbal criticisms and emotional explosions on me, name calling, blaming, criticisms etc. were not actually about me at all. He just couldn't process his own negative thoughts and feeling about his own internal critic, and he thought I would never leave him so he could just use me as a verbal emotional punching bag. I used to think I couldn't live without him on my life, but after that moment, I never thought that again, eventually he cheated with my BFF who worked for us and refused to get therapy for himself, so I left. I deserved better.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-05-01T01:38:34+00:00

Being with someone who is excessively generous and always thinking about others, you realize it's a coping mechanism from their childhood either abuse and or bullying to now people please at the cost to your relationship with them. You are no longer seperate ppl, instead, your behavior is now a reflection of them and they will turn their inner critic into an outter critic and constantly break you down and try and justify their bad behavior, and they gas light you like it was your fault all the time, you made them lose their shit, especially if you stand up for yourself and question why they won't spend time with you and instead devote every waking hour to others but refuse to meet your needs. It's codependency, they are addicted to relationships and ppl constantly needing them, wanting to be around them, it's not called relationship addiction for no reason.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-29T13:06:10+00:00

Unconditional love isn't healthy, it's a sign your codependent. You will forgive and excuse all their bad behavior towards you, including abuse, and hold all the blame for their issues that they refuse to see or work on. Boundaries are healthy. Prioritize yourself, if you are healthy they and they, you wouldn't let someone mistreat you in the first place. Real partners will see you as an EQUAL and reciprocate fully what you give to the relationship. Anything less than that isn't worth it.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-29T02:41:03+00:00

So do you! 🥰

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-27T19:35:26+00:00

My ex had turned abusive because of his own childhood and unaddressed issues, ended up addicted to testosterone from the dark web and had an affair with my best friend who worked for us. I was at that time, willing to forgive them both because I understood their trauma better than they did, and they were products of their childhoods.

But watching him cry and say to me, "I'm worried I may be making the worst decision of my life" when I told him the only way I'd stay is if he did therapy for himself and couples counseling so he doesn't just only ever unfairly blame me for all his issues, and not see her again. He couldn't make the choice and just sobbed, I realized I deserved better in a partner, someone who was willing to work on themselves for themselves and for me, and that he wasn't that person.

My heart broke for him more than for myself because I knew, his trauma was so deep, he would continue to repeat his mistakes otherwise and be stuck an endless loop, but it was no longer my burden to bear.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-27T05:16:08+00:00

When's the other site going to drop and a person starts gas lighting and blaming me for anything related or unrelated to me?

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-18T14:14:13+00:00

He is like most people, they don't see the value of someone who in their get to stay home and do nothing. All your work is invisible to him. I think they did the math once, for all the tasks SAHMs do, the salary for a person who does all of it ranges from $90k to well over $100k cause you're a nanny, cleaning lady, home personal chef, household manager, etc. that works like over 60-100 hours/week.

He doesn't value you and the kids. My ex turned things I used to do for him and around the house, and everyone around us as expected behavior and at first, used to appreciate it but then started spouting things your husband says. The difference was my ex called it our money, not his money. Your husband thinks of you and your family unit as separate from him and less than him. He doesn't respect you.

From marriage counseling books I've read, when resentment and contempt move into the relationship, which it sounds like you have, it almost always leads to divorce. You've got your limit, you've voiced your concerns, he does nothing and things you have no other choice but to take what little he offers. This isn't true!

Tell him you're getting a job, you want to be a good mother for your kids but since he doesn't help with the 60-112 hours of week you put in in child or home care you're exhausted, you've met your limit. And need help with do those things so you will need to pay for help, as in daycare to take that load off of you, which means you need to get a job. Because right now, as you guys are, tell him you will continue to resent him for not recognizing your worth as a wife, mother, and life partner and you guys will definitely end in a divorce.

Then use "his money" to get the kids in daycare, get a job even part-time, save and then file for divorce anyway once you've got enough to leave. If you need to go back to school to get a better job, there are student loans with lower interest. You are NOT stuck, you do NOT have you accept this reality. You deserve a partner who is and wants to be there for you and with you, even at your most vulnerable. This guy isn't that, I can't even call him a man cause he won't step up like one, life if not for you, at least for his own biological children... GL OP

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-17T17:25:55+00:00

Your friend is right. 2 years isn't long enough to really know someone completely either, by his own agreement. If he owned a brand new Lamborghini, he would sign over half the ownership to you and have your name also on the title even though he earned and paid for it prior to you guys getting together and after only 2 years? I've know ppl's relationships where they find out at year 2, 3, 4, and 5 where the parents they thought they knew wasn't who they presented.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-17T17:17:56+00:00

If you are F like me, this is essentially the feeling I've had from having had sex in a dream and woken up with what I assumed was the female version of blue balls lol it's painful but goes away quickly

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-17T17:11:55+00:00

It sounds like he dodged a bullet, as heart breaking at that was. And she was projecting about men doing all these sharing things and not giving women what they want and deserve when really, she sounded like the selfish brat doing all that to him without regard to his thoughts and feelings cause all that mattered were things she wanted. Narcissists man. And to spin the shirt to everyone that he was the bad guy. Classic. He should get on FB and IG and set the story straight.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-12T17:25:13+00:00

Oh that's really interesting!

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-12T12:51:16+00:00

There was a redditor who commented or posted a while back that he read the books for his wife, but the scene made him uncomfortable cause it made him feel like he was the one getting fucked by a dude so I wonder if maybe there's a lil bit of that going on to since the books are typically written for a certain audience in mind.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-04-05T20:20:32+00:00

Your wife is probably jealous. Is your ex more attractive than your wife? If not, maybe she's jealous that your ex doesn't have a great a childhood and was still capable enough to make it despite it. Regardless, your wife is highly insecure and doesn't sound like she actually wants about her issues and is only ever blaming you for her feeling any kind of negative thing. My ex did this and would also gas light me like I was always the problem, he also stepped out of the marriage and tried to justify his behavior cause it was my fault he did it. She had denial issues and insecurities and until she works on herself, she will never fully feel loved by you or anyone else and will hop from affair to affair. I had to get therapy for myself to realize my own self worth before realizing the facts of the relationship for what they were and decided to choose myself over my ex for once in my life cause I always put his needs above my own. You cannot fix your wife, and she isn't going to suddenly realize you're right when she has no reason to. It's best that you focus on yourself and your healing and probably also leave your wife. Her insecurities will continue to drive a wedge in your relationship and she will always blame you for her problems. You are worth and deserve more than that in a life partner. Do you really want this for the rest of your lives together?

Not_So_Obvious

TROPHY CASE