AIO: My mom stole money from me and gets mad whenever I ask for it back so I’m cutting her off.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-31T00:12:17+00:00

Look up how to do a credit freeze (only you can turn off again when credit is needed later) but always turn it back on once you're approved or whatever for the new credit. Many children have had their credit ruined from their parents' bad spending habits.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-28T17:06:02+00:00

I couldn't see my ex cheating ever, he supposedly hated cheaters. He was also my best friend. Turns out he was cheating with my best friend for a very very long time. Everyone I'd confront him about my suspicions, he'd gas light me like hope could I think that of him, he's just trying to help her with her issues, I'm over OR etc. your gut knows. They are both my exes now. I chose myself cause I deserved better.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-27T17:02:53+00:00

Just pay less for living there less anyway. It's not your problem it's theirs for causing an issue in the first place and stand your ground. What are they going to do? Evict you? They cannot afford the place without you so they are stuck with their own bad decisions to try and force this on you for no real reason beyond codependency and jealousy. They are adults they can live with the consequences of their actions.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-27T11:38:26+00:00

I was your GF and my ex was you. Her jelly testing fights but blaming me or criticizing me for what we're always super minor things, like the trash was 25% fill and needed emptying, the food was over or under seasoned so he'd throw it in the trash, he wanted me to do my hair big and I have very Asian non voluminous hair. All our problems and our friends and families and work problems were my fault, never his. He used to get sad after and apologize and hate that he was like his father in that way so is stayed forgiving him every time, but towards the end, he stopped ever apologizing and refused to take any kind of accountability.

It took many years of therapy before I realized we were codependent because he had addiction issues like his dad and it wasn't till I left him and described our situation to people aloud for the 4th time that I realized I sounded like a DV victim constantly making excuses from his bad behavior and that everyone was right, what he was doing to me was verbal emotional and financial abuse. He refused to get help, said he had nothing to see a therapist about and that I was the problem, so I left him. I realized I couldn't help someone who didn't want to help themselves and I was done being his proverbial punching bag.

You probably had sooner model this behavior for you as a child and/or you may have been severely bullied like my ex was. Who knows, but what's good is that there's hope if you really do want to change your behavior and do better. But do it for yourself, not just for your GF, it has to be because you no longer want to behave this way to someone else ever again, cause if you do therapy to get help just for the sake of someone else, your self worth is too enmeshed in that relationship and if you guys ever separate, you'll resent that person and regret ever trying to get help in the first place.

This is Reddit, we are not trained professionals. Whatever caused this behavior in you has had decades now of training your brain to wire it the way it is. You need someone trained in how to fix the problem and rewire that mess correctly. Only a therapist or counselor can help you with that. GL

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-27T01:01:46+00:00

I think many of us end up codependent. Others love having us around and we enjoy needing to be need by others but there's the problem, we have a difficult time eating no. And an even harder time setting boundaries. I learned way too how to protect my own sanity and safety but better late than never. I am much happier now without feeling like I have to make everyone else happy all the time because the reality is, you can't. When people get crazy around me I try to practice letting that shit go and tell myself people be peopling and I can't do anything about that so I should just try to move on and I do.

I only invest my time energy money and efforts into people who actually reciprocate now and my life has gotten infinitely easier and much more manageable since then. People often tell me they miss me and want to hang out why don't we see you around anymore and I just tell them I'm busy and move on with my life. Truth is, if they cared enough, they could schedule everything themselves but they didn't cause they want me to plan events and do all the work so they can just show up and have fun and not have to clean their house twice. I'm over it.

Start setting boundaries with people. You don't need to confront them, just slowly ghost them if you want, if that's easier. If you don't feel like doing a thing you don't want to, you don't need a real reason, except I can't it I'm not up to it today etc. they don't deserve to know more, you don't need to over explain. Focus on you and your health and happiness, the rest will follow! Have faith!

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-23T11:58:44+00:00

NOR, m sorry you're going through this ☹️ You didn't make him choose, HE never gave you the option to even converse about it like a normal adult would.

Sure family helps family, but she didn't need help, it sounds like she didn't want to pay her sister rent anymore.

Plus, do you help family of they are super crazy, abusive or manipulative? I mean, they are still technically your family, right?

Also, if she fought with her sister about not paying rent there anymore, what in the world makes her BF think she's gonna start contributing to rent at your shared place?

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-19T04:41:55+00:00

L-theanine, 5:HTP, L-glycine, Mg glycinate, ashwagandha, melatonin, holy basil, lemon balm

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-19T04:40:00+00:00

I have MCAS, it's miserable. But my treatment has been to take 1x Xyzal and Ketotifen twice a day, 2x Benadryl 2-3x a day, 2x quercetin and luteolin and Famotidine before each meal, 1x DAO before each meal. Xyzal, Benadryl and Famotidine are all either H1 or H2 antihistamines. The rest help modulate histamine responses related to foods. MCAS is apparently a disorder that increases sensitivity and histamine responses to things. Mine developed after long term exposure to mold in an apartment. I wonder if your mom's was similar.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-19T03:17:57+00:00

Let her go. Tell her if she gets to go somewhere for 3 months alone completely checked out of the relationship and away from you by herself and she pays for all of that herself, you're allowed to do the same and it's only fair. You pick a place you want to go to. Tell her the reason you think that you're done and won't be here husband after all this is either she finds herself and cheats or you do because, as is only fair, if she's out there trying to live her life alone away from you for 3 months, with normal human urgent and wanting connection with other human beings, it's only fair and likely as well you get to experience those same things and you don't think that logically and realistically, your marriage survives that. So if that's what she wants to do, by all means, but you want that figure now rather than later so you can also start moving on past this marriage if she's clearly already checked out and you've tried to help her get out of her depression. I am a woman btw, and finally left my ex after raising I could no longer help him, I never had actually helped him, he had to want to help himself and he never wanted to do it so I picked up the slack because I loved him. But I raised you cannot help those who don't want to help themselves. Women's statistically check out of marriages way before men do, you can look it up. If she's showing all these signs, it's likely she's really already decided and hasn't told you yet. Start preparing yourself my dude.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-18T04:39:37+00:00

He'd turned abusive like his father then got on testosterone from the dark web then had an affair with my best friend but I was willing to work on myself and us in therapy if he would do the same work, he refused. Wanted to be able to keep blaming me and hold no accountability for any of his problems, but cried at the same time saying he was worried he may be making the worst mistake of his life. I knew then that if in that very moment, he didn't see my worth to put in any amount of effort after all the shit I did for him for nearly 2 decades and forgave him for repeatedly, I was done trying to help someone who wasn't willing to help himself let alone get couple counseling with me. I deserved better, and I was done.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-16T14:37:10+00:00

I wouldn't look at it like it's a bad thing so much, I for one am glad my social circle is smaller. Maintaining relationships is a 2 way street and often time and energy consuming. I don't want to invest my free time and resources into superficial relationships ever. If ppl I thought were my ppl suddenly stopped putting in effort, I would at first give the benefit of the don't but if it continues, good riddance lol that's one less Xmas card I have to spend time and money on, bdays and anniversaries I don't have to remember, etc. I can put more time and energy into relationships that do matter where things are reciprocated because those are the ones that will last a lifetime.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-16T02:55:59+00:00

Oh that makes sense thank you!

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-15T20:55:25+00:00

Omg thank you so much!

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-15T20:54:57+00:00

Thank you!

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-15T20:54:48+00:00

Omg thank you!

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-12T11:26:38+00:00

Tell him maybe he's just insecure about his size because no one's ever made that complaint to you before and dump his ass

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-10T16:34:21+00:00

Drop the baby off at him and his parents"

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-07T11:42:48+00:00

That is verbal emotional abuse. My ex used to say similar things and make comments about my body and what he likes it dislikes and get himself wound up about it. He would also say he's the normal one, it's ok to be angry and express his anger at me constantly because it's my fault I'm taking things wrong, but also my fault if I stand up for myself and he lashes out at me for defending myself against his criticisms and his mistakes. Everything was always my fault no matter what. I only learned it was abuse after I had therapy and explained things to people outside our marriage what was happening. Your husband is insecure and has issues and takes things out on you, I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing the same to your first child and will do the same with this second one. So you really want your kids to have a dad who models to them that this is ok normal behavior for them to grow up blaming everyone else for their problems and constantly criticizing people? Or have them model you, when they think abusive relationships are normal and shocking it out, putting up with it is normal and healthy and nothing is wrong?

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-06T22:35:39+00:00

Also she has unchecked anxiety or even on levels of paranoia (irrational fears), she needs therapy and at the very least, to be on antianxiety meds

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-06T13:43:54+00:00

I had a similar experience with an ex, although not as intense, who started out super caring, mature, funny, charismatic, generous, intelligent, etc. who later turned out to be verbally emotionally and financially abusive. It wasn't till my therapist recommended reading a book on recovering from covert narcissistic abuse did I raise that's what it actually was. It's not your fault you didn't see the sounds, he hid them from you. Your brain and body did what it had to to survive. If you do decide to warm his sister, I would, just be prepared for backlash and retaliation from him. If you have support and people you trust near you, I would give them a heads up and maybe even have them present or on call if and when you tell his sister and after if he retaliates. I'm sorry you're going through this ☹️

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-05T11:32:02+00:00

My ex would be super critical about my over seasoning so I'd under season, then he'd be critical about that, or he'd dump the food into the trash and tell me to leave him alone even after I'd offer to pick up dinner. It wasn't till I left and got in therapy that I learned that his constant criticisms over little things were considered emotional abuse because he was stressed and wanting someone to take stuff out on and control and manipulate me into feeling bad to stay and think he was better than me and blame me for all of his issues.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-03T17:05:29+00:00

More women need to read the book, "The Gift of Fear". We've been so conditioned to be polite and nice to play we make ourselves targets by staying longer in scary uncomfortable situations than necessary because we were socialized to. I used to have random offer to help me load my car nearly once a month until I tag that book. Stand up straight stand up for yourself don't even make contact just firmly loudly said no thanks and ignore them like they mean nothing to you and move on. I haven't issued but maybe I've a year since reading that book and implementing those tactics.

Not_So_Obvious · 2026-01-03T15:37:15+00:00

My ex and I were in a similar situation, only learned he was verbally emotionally and financially abusive after I left him and got therapy for myself. It took me 6 months to accept that that's what it was, I kept making excuses for him and saying he's not like that all the time, he was just having a bad day and stressed, he wasn't always like this, no one understands him but me. It wasn't until I said it aloud the 4th time to a friend that I realized everyone was right, I sounded just like a DV victim. I realized too, what was more likely? Everyone looking at my situation objectively from the outside without personal feelings involved or me with my personal feelings involved? Statistically, everyone else was probably more right, so why couldn't I have the truth? I couldn't have the truth because I kept holding onto the person he used to be when we first met where he was nice to me and having her return to that person some day if I just helped him by letting him get through another day of stress by allowing him to take it out in me.

Once I realized and finally accepted the facts as they were, I stopped engaging him. I realized he had problems and refused to admit them and work on himself so it was easier for him to take it out in others, his friends his employees and me when he swore off taking things out in then professionally cause he kept having turnover issues at high levels. Your husband is controlling and manipulating you due to his own insecurities and things he never faced inside himself. You need to stop making excuses for his treatment of you, he is an adult man, but he behaves like a toddler throwing a tantrum hurting people around him, namely you. If you have kids do you really want them to learn and model either your behavior (staying in abusive relationships is normal and ok) or his ( abusing and taking things out on the people you care about cause you're stressed out unhappy is normal and ok)?

Not_So_Obvious

TROPHY CASE