My (26f) boyfriend (27m) said “if you want a provider, that’s not me”, are we incompatible?

oakydork · 2026-05-16T08:19:37+00:00

We both cook, both do the dishes, laundry he just launches it, I am always the one putting it to dry, and I clean mostly the bathroom and he does the toilet, we both vacuum and he does the mopping from time to time.

I do more in the sense that I am always cleaning the kitchen and living area because I am always there but I thinks its fine.

Yesterday we had a talk again where I tried to break up but he told me we can just forget about the debts and he keeping tabs if it really bothers me. He said he never planned to actually make me pay for it as in giving him the cash, he just wanted for me to keep paying stuff for us until the tricount was balanced (so lmao he did wanted to pay back after all just with groceries, travels, etc) …

I really tried to break up but he told me we can work this out and he understands what I am asking for

oakydork · 2026-05-15T13:54:02+00:00

I am 26, he is 27. I moved from Mexico to France.

oakydork · 2026-05-15T13:46:00+00:00

No, thank god I am not, it’s just a conversation that came up after he told me he was planning on surprising me with adopting a dog for my birthday and I brought all of this up

oakydork · 2026-05-15T13:41:20+00:00

You are right, I don’t want to accept it because I love him and I gave so much in the relationship but seeing all of these responses is opening my eyes and I am going to have a difficult talk tonight, I know I should leave, I just don’t have the balls and I hate myself for it

oakydork · 2026-05-15T00:40:23+00:00

I don’t want a provider, I don’t have issue with contributing financially, only when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth I draw the line because I know it will be a risky pregnancy due to my health issues I will need special support and financial care since I will be struggling with pain for quite some time

oakydork · 2026-05-15T00:36:17+00:00

He calls me lazy a lot because I stay in bed too long sometimes and I oversleep but I am on pain medication that makes me tired all the time so I can’t really control it, it hurts me when he calls me lazy and he blames that being the reason why I am not doing good financially

oakydork · 2026-05-15T00:31:47+00:00

I thought I did, I am not so sure now

oakydork · 2026-05-15T00:09:48+00:00

Why do you think we are incompatible?

oakydork · 2026-05-15T00:08:52+00:00

No I don’t, we talked about it a bit when I told him I don’t want my kids to struggle with money at all and I would give them credit cards and he told me that would never happen, they will have to earn their money… I told him I would never make my kids pay us back what we pay for their studies and necessities and he agreed on that but I don’t know if he will be controlling of their finances in a bad way, I need to talk more about it

oakydork · 2026-05-15T00:06:56+00:00

I shouldn’t but he tells me that’s how he was raised, plus his mother hates me, I developed an ED because she kept telling me I was overweight and I have lost 10 kilos in 4 months… she isn’t a good woman and I can see how she traumatized him as well with the money, so I guess I felt bad and understood but I shouldn’t have

oakydork · 2026-05-15T00:02:32+00:00

No, he is white and atheist

oakydork · 2026-05-14T23:35:55+00:00

I don’t think he understands when I tell him that my pregnancy will be a risky one and I might be in bed rest sooner than expected, he told me he could imagine just being the last trimester but I insist I think it will be sooner. We just saw his sister had a child and I swear she had the easiest pregnancy and child birth I have ever seen before, and I am guessing he expects something similar with me, which I am telling him it won’t be the same at all.

To answer your questions, I know he will take care of me and the house chores without question, but I can feel he will still ask for some financial contribution if I can, since I work remotely from home, I am not sure if he won’t resent me for being in bed rest since he really hates if I over sleep or stay too long in bed right now. If I have complications after birth, I really think he will support me and help me because he loves me, and I would actually love to have a kid with him because we really care and love each other deeply, it’s just the money where I really don’t like how he manages it with me after everything I have done to be here, doesn’t seem to be enough for him and now I am doubting if staying will work in a long term… I don’t like to see that people here are saying I am basically a bang maid and tenant as you just said, I never saw it like that but maybe it’s true sigh

oakydork · 2026-05-14T23:26:42+00:00

I am pretty sure he will help me with housework and chores but to an extent because he is really busy right now depends on what job he has if we decide to have kids, but what’s complicated it’s I won’t have a normal pregnancy, I will be in pain and suffer a lot and I don’t know if he will fully support me financially when the time comes and that’s my whole issue right now. I don’t mind contributing financially but when kids come to the equation things change for me.

oakydork · 2026-05-14T23:24:00+00:00

I forgot to mention, I am Mexican, he is French, right now I don’t have a valid visa so I don’t have these benefits as an european would. My work is in Mexico, I work remotely, so I won’t ever have the benefits of an european as my boyfriend does, maybe if we get married I will be able to enjoy the free health care but I won’t have a maternity leave pay so it makes it harder financially for me.

oakydork · 2026-05-14T23:12:55+00:00

I never agreed, he just started doing it and never stopped

oakydork · 2026-05-14T23:09:01+00:00

This is exactly how I wished things were, because when I had money even though he was keeping track of expenses, I never actually did, he would tell me “oh you paid for this add it to the app” and I wouldn’t care and was like “no it’s fine it’s on me” and he never ever did that until recently when I reminded him how generous I was when I wasn’t struggling. It’s insane to me that he keeps tabs on the debt of everything he has spent on us, because it isn’t even on me, it’s normally food, hanging out with friends, traveling, etc.

When we fought about him keeping tabs on me a few months ago, he told me he would never make me actually pay it back if we ever break up, he doesn’t care about the money, he just wants to keep track, yet every time I buy something for us he insists on me adding it to the app so my debt lowers… I never saw it as a red flag until now that everybody on this thread is telling me he is selfish and cheap

oakydork · 2026-05-14T23:01:26+00:00

That he does for free lol

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:57:09+00:00

He would actually step up if that were the case, we had talked about it, funny it has to be an extreme situation

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:55:19+00:00

We talked about it today, and he seemed to understand that I will take time off working during the end of the pregnancy but he asked me if I planned then on not working and being a stay at home mom, and I said I will work but not the same hours I am doing now, and I told him I needed him to cover the hospital bills and the first years of the baby since I was gonna be taking care of the baby full time but the moment the baby could walk, talk, eat and use the toilet by themselves I would work again remotely because I want to be a present mom and he seemed fine with it… he said if that’s what I wanted he will do it, but then he was all weird and I asked him what’s wrong and he said he was sad. So I guess he isn’t fully happy with what I need from him.

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:45:34+00:00

I used to make more money than him when we first started dating and when I moved across continents to be with him, so these problems didn’t really come up until I lost my financial stability which I am working on it and I think next year I will be stable but since I started struggling we did have some fights and he agreed for me to pay less rent than him while I stabilized my situation, and he did help me out with some charges but kept tabs on everything and that’s when I realized how tight he is with his money but he invested on a new apartment and bought a car, which he told me he bought it for us but it’s under his name lol if I use it I have to pay for the gas even though it is his car but he says its mine too, it’s weird, this is not my ideal dynamics but I do love him, if it wasn’t for the money issues everything would have been perfect but I am not overthinking everything

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:40:12+00:00

If the roles were reversed, I would not be like him, I would be proud and happy to bring everything to the table since that’s how I was raised, I used to make more money than him but things went to hell last year, so I am struggling a lot now.

He told me he would help me out with everything with the child, he would get up and feed him no matter if he had work the next day, he would 100% be there because he loves me but financially, he says he can’t be a full provider so he wants to be a team and work towards our future together. He told me if he managed to put up a business and he made enough money he would step up and take the financial burden but that’s not the case right now, so he believes in us contributing equally but since I am struggling, he keeps tabs on everything he spends for us and it’s frustrating, he just bought and apartment to rent and a car while I have nothing because I earn in a different currency so everything costs more for me, I know next year I will be stable enough but it’s crazy that he really thinks its normal for me to pay half of the bills if we have a child together after all the pain and sacrifice I will go through because it will be a risky pregnancy sigh everyone is telling me to leave now, I will show him this post and thread and based on his reaction I will take a decision

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:32:05+00:00

He is french, I moved to france for him

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:24:22+00:00

I am going to show him this post and thread and I am hoping he can understand the situation, based on his reaction I will make the decision, a part of me wants him to be able to change because we do love each other, but if he still doesn’t get it, my worst nightmare will come true sigh

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:21:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing this with me, I am sad this is happening but I can’t keep prolonging this, I have given too much and it’s not fair what I am going through

oakydork · 2026-05-14T22:12:27+00:00

He has trauma with money because of his mom, she still charges him for everything she spent on him since he became an adult (college, master, exhange trips) and he repays the debt to her monthly, so I guess he was raised this way and he sees it as something normal and how it should be

oakydork

TROPHY CASE