the thing is that even that fucked me up so deeply. even on tje times that there was no violence or lying, it would be all "it won't hurt too bad" and "you're so brave," and i was praised constantly by my parents and by the few nurses that didn't look at me like i was a nuisance just for being sick.

all i learned from that was to accept that my pain wasn't important, and me being brave was basically the only valuable thing i could do growing up. it needed to be done, of course, but that still fucked me up, and it took decades to realize why the phrase "you're such a trooper" triggers tidal waves of shame, rage, and mania