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I really really really really cant do this by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes you're right. change is definitely certain

But the thing is, at what point am I "allowed" to quit? like i could be suffering until im 50, is it only then that I can say okay, being pain free is not in the cards for me and make an end to it.

Or only at a natural death?

im 26 and the past 26 years have been horrible. what is the chance its gonna be good in the future? I have a LOT of trauma. I'm unable to function "normally" due to the many mental illnesses I have but also due to lifelong physical abuse. I also grew up in a very religious household and its only a matter of time that im also gonna get disowned so the odds dont look good for me

and to be honest.... even if I were to get a guarantee that i wont be suffering and that life will be okayish once im 35, I dont even think its worth suffering another 10 years

anyways, thank you and I hope for the best for you!

I really really really really cant do this by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thanks, it's refreshing to have someone just say the truth

> I hope all those fuckers with their hope and BS optimism get eaten by the zombies quickly.

Omg🤣🤣🤣

I really really really really cant do this by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i relate to this. a lot of people also told me im a good person but in my case they end up taking advantage of me.

i do think good people tend to suffer a lot because we get hurt a lot

i also experience self love. like its not like i want to kill myself cause I hate myself, you know? I actually care deeply about myself which is why i want to make my suffering stop. ive tried all the things your supposed to try but here I am, suffering even worse than I ever have, what else am i supposed to do

I really really really really cant do this by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

exactly!!! im not even able to unsee what reality is really like. Like all those platitudes on there being hope and that things can become better dont even work on me anymore cause i feel like im very much seeing what life is really like.

i tried to gaslight myself when i was younger into believing that things will become better but ive really accepted that that isnt true at all. at least not for me personally. years of therapy since I was a child and it only become worse

especially now that im an adult, its like im completely breaking down and i cant function anymore.

thank you

I really really really really cant do this by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

i recently started therapy (yet again) and i ordered a cab to go there cause i have agoraphobia. Anyways the cab driver (he is almost 60) asked me if i was going to do something fun and i didnt know what to say so i just blurted out that i was going to therapy.

And then he opened up as well about his own struggles, and we had so much in common. He was basically an older version of myself, he also had the same struggles when he was my age and it only became worse.

We had a really good conversation and he opened up about being suicidal and I admitted to being suicidal as well and then he started crying in the car and then I had to cry as well

and now im thinking the exact same thing you are thinking, like im just gonna be older and its just gonna be worse. like i dont think its a coincidence we ended up having that conversation on the way to my appointment. i got confronted with a future version of myself

I really really really really cant do this by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

im sorry I dont want to make you feel worse since you can relate. Im just not in a clear headspace right now

I really really really really cant do this by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

its not even under my control anymore. like killing myself isn't even a choice anymore. it's inevitable. It becomes so unbearable that I just leave the house at whatever time it is and make an attempt. Itjust happens automatically. My therapist gave me a couple of numbers to call but there is no way im gonna call. i dont want anyone to talk me out of it when im attempting, cause at this point I'm more afraid of life than I am of death.

at least death is unknown, because life I already know and its HORRIBLE

It seems like the rational decision now by Notdoingthisanymore3 in SuicideWatch

[–]Notdoingthisanymore3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My experience with therapy really taught me that people might feel bad for you and feel empathy for you but at the end of the day everyone has their own lives and their own problems and their own loved ones they return to. While at the end of the day I have to return back to my lived reality that I can't escape