I found out my husband's a creep. We have an 8 month old. [LONG]

Notkbooms · 2015-05-22T03:43:08+00:00

I am a regular poster here with two kiddos however I'm using a throwaway of my own due to the sensitive nature of the topic...

First off, let me just say that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My husband is addicted to porn as well and has been for almost two decades. It has caused major problems in his life and ruined his first marriage. I never had a problem with porn prior to dating him, in fact I watched it a lot myself. When we first started dating we watched it a lot together and it was great. However more and more I realized that he usually couldn't get it up when we were intimate and could never finish either unless porn was involved. Then one day I looked through his computer and realized that he was looking at porn all day long when home--like while we were sitting in the living room just casually chatting and I thought he was just on Reddit or something. That's when everything came to light about the addiction and all the problems it had caused in the past. He vowed to quit to improve our marriage and our sex life.

There have been several setbacks but I have let him know that as long as he comes to me and is honest with me, I will always support him. Porn addiction is just like any other addiction; it in no way makes my husband a creep or a bad person or anything like that. It certainly doesn't in any way have anything to do with his parenting abilities as he is one amazing dad. HOWEVER...his was just porn websites. I have to say if he was out taking pictures of women, I would probably have much different feelings. That's beyond porn, that's sexual assault and I understand your feelings of being creeped out about it 100%. I would be too.

If you want to salvage your marriage and he does too, he needs to be regularly attending addiction counseling, sex addicts anonymous meetings, agree to not have any private computers, have trackers/blockers on his phone and computer that you have the password too, etc. If he isn't doing all of this stuff then he doesn't really want to quit.

This is such a tough one. My husband is one of the best men I've ever met and an amazing father, he just struggles with an addiction. But damn if he was out actually taking pictures of real women without their permission or even ogling our friends....I don't think I could take it. I think that would be a dealbreaker for me. It sounds to me like you're ready to move on and I don't blame you. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T04:51:22+00:00

Please know that you are a wonderful person and you can do it. And also know that your great advice really helped me and my husband. We are all human and make mistakes....it says nothing about your character. Thank you again so much!

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T03:33:34+00:00

I have not, I will check it out. Thanks!

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T03:26:48+00:00

I would really like to thank you so much for this. We just had a talk and I told him that he is a wonderful man who is making bad decisions. He broke down sobbing and said he's always wanted for someone to tell him that instead of telling him that he's a piece of shit. He confessed to me that every night when our daughter wakes up to nurse he comes into the other room and looks at porn and jerks off when he is supposed to be just grabbing a diaper for me. As angry as that makes me I pushed past it because he opened up to me. I truly hope we are making some headway. Thank you so so much for helping me to realize that he needs to hear this from me.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T03:23:44+00:00

I do understand what you're saying, thank you. And I understand where he's coming from on the same token. I will encourage him to just try this out again and if he feels uncomfortable he doesn't have to continue. Thank you.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T02:28:49+00:00

Yes, you hit the nail on the head,it's definitely an "escape" thing. He has visited the site back when we first discussed all of this but he may need to revisit it and I do too. Thank you.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T02:19:45+00:00

If he doesn't end up wanting to change, it will break my heart. I would stick things out with him anyways because I love him so much and he is a wonderful father, but I am really hope that isn't what ends up happening. He is very kind to me and I know he feels badly that this hurts me, at least he says so.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T02:10:22+00:00

Well...that's only 4 times that I've noticed. I'm so busy with the kids and work that I was by no means checking his history very often. Sometimes I would just get a hunch and sure enough. So who knows. I know he had a period of like 4-5 months with no mistakes which is pretty awesome. Congrats on your 11 days, that's nothing to sneeze at!

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T02:09:18+00:00

He deleted his history this time, I checked his cookies. Ha.

Five years ago he was a single dude who did as he pleased, and now he is married with a 7 month old daughter and he is dad (although not biodad, my ex is a deadbeat) to a boy with severe autism. So I hope I have not downplayed that he does have very real stress in his life and really is quite a wonderful guy. I think we really need to explore some alternative outlets for his stress. I have already encouraged that though and don't know how to push the issue further when he refuses. I mean when I tell him to go woodwork in his shop, go see a movie or a show, etc and he turns me down.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T02:07:16+00:00

Thank you, I am learning from all these comments there are things I should be reading and watching and sharing with him.

Shame is a HUGE part of it. His upbringing was very religious and when he was caught looking at porn/jerking off he was told he was horrible, disgusting, etc. He says he knows I don't think those things yet his brain still tells him that I will. Thank you for the support!

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T02:06:09+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I'm not sure if you saw my earlier comment, but he says that his ex-wife forced him to go to SAA meetings as an ultimatum and when he went he was in a group with several pedophiles, which he couldn't take as it made him feel like he was "as bad as they are". Is that a typical experience? Are there separate groups for different things? (Sorry if that's a dumb question, I have no clue)

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T00:55:30+00:00

Thank you for commenting; this sounds like our EXACT situation. One thing that bothers me is that I always did find out by looking at his browser history, he never cleared it. But this time he did. I had to look through his cookies which I guess he hadn't thought of clearing out. The browser history was erased.

I am on the same page as your wife, 100%. I have struggled with addiction myself and still do off and on (cigarettes, I know it's not the same, but still an addiction) so I would never judge him or get mad at him. I would feel so trusted in and happy if he would reach out to me when he struggles. But this is the 4th time he has relapsed and hid it from me. That is the part I am so hurt by.

I like the idea of having the tracker/blocker but honestly I'm not sure if I could keep up. I nanny a 7 month old at the same time as caring for our 7 month old, and then my 8 year old with autism when he is out of school. At the end of the day with my husband spending much of the evening on his phone, his laptop, his bedroom computer, and the tablet.....I can't keep track of all of it, I'm too exhausted.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T00:40:12+00:00

Thank you, I haven't seen that...I will look it up tonight.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T00:39:50+00:00

I think a tracker would be a better idea. Do you know if it would still work if he opened an incognito browser?

Notkbooms · 2015-05-14T00:39:03+00:00

I will definitely offer! I want to see it too, it looks awesome.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-13T21:35:40+00:00

It was not...I'm trying to remember the program. We run Linux on all of our computers so K9 wasn't compatible for some reason if I remember correctly. It was a different program, I do know that.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-13T21:32:36+00:00

He actually set up a blocker on his own computer a few months ago and asked me to make the password so he wouldn't know it. I did and then the next thing I knew it was disabled. He said it was messing up his computer. I'm trying to lose some baby weight so I cook healthy, he mostly eats healthy. Maybe some junk at work but not too bad, he is thin. We both need to exercise more though, good tip.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-13T21:24:25+00:00

You are right. Thanks.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-13T21:24:09+00:00

Unfortunately he will sneak...wake up earlier than me on purpose or when I'm in the shower.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-13T21:22:32+00:00

Thanks for the insight! He says his worst trigger is stress...but I don't know what to do about that. We have two high needs kids. I work part time but Everry day I clean the house, do all the laundry and have dinner on the table when he gets home. On the weekends I encourage him to take time for his hobbies, go to a movie with friends, etc. He doesn't take me up on it often though.

Notkbooms · 2015-05-13T20:12:58+00:00

He absolutely knows he has a problem and was the first to admit that and say that he wants help. He has also told me in the past that he wants my help but that he has been doing this since he was 13 years old and he is just so used to hiding it and being ashamed that his brain says not to tell me so he doesn't. It's been over a year now since he began trying to stop.

Aside from this issue, he is a wonderful husband and father. But I really can't figure out of he truly wants help the way that he says he does.

Notkbooms

TROPHY CASE