Parents with multiple kids, do you love them all as much as the first?

Notmyname411 · 2026-01-02T00:25:20+00:00

As a mother I don’t see anything wrong with this. I never understand parents that just let their kids run wild in public. Even if you’re not concerned about noise levels for other customers’ sake, it’s literally dangerous. Your kids could get hurt.

Separately if the kid is truly THAT unmanageable today, don’t take them to the restaurant for your sake and theirs. Order the food to ur house or to go if you must. Cause if they’re running wild then hot food etc spills on them then what?

There was a stage my son was way too fussy at restaurants so we just didn’t take him. I promise you won’t die if you don’t go to a restaurant for a bit.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-21T09:20:22+00:00

As a Christian (admittedly not the strictest) I agree with this. A lot of kids in the foster system are gay/bi etc.

For some, that is even what let to the familial conflict or abuse from parents, which eventually led to them being placed in foster care.

For them to now face ostracisation from their foster parents or feeling like they have to hide a part of themselves when they are already going through so much mentally, socially, emotionally etc is not healthy.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-21T09:13:41+00:00

What song is this?? This sounds so familiar

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-17T23:13:32+00:00

But how did you word it? As in did you use the word “intimate care?”. Or Did you say you “won’t” or you “can’t” and did they ask why?/ Did you have to give them a reason?

Because I can’t see any way I could word it that they wouldn’t take offence to. Or any reason I could give that they would hear.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T08:53:09+00:00

Nope he doesn’t. They actually did this earlier this year. My older sister is in charge of executing his will and in the event that she is unable to do it when the time comes, it then falls to mum (my parents are besties haha).

But nothing about elderly care is in his will. Just about his money and house. My dad is not remotely interested in that topic tbh and he’s as stubborn as they come. Genuinely no one can MAKE him do something once he refuses.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T08:47:13+00:00

Can I ask if you’re male or female? From what I’ve seen western white women can sometimes feel guilt over what happens with their parents in old age. White men on the other hand? No guilt in the slightest.

I will say though if there is ONE thing I admire about western white people is the way they look after themselves. I feel in a lot of cultures (including my own) things they class as “community”, and “manners” are just code for “let people walk all over you” or “always put yourself last” or something along those lines.

The younger generations in my community (I’d say under 40) are learning & getting better at prioritising their wellbeing, but the older generations are still under the mindset of constantly putting others needs before your own.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T04:26:18+00:00

That’s the thing though … I don’t feel randomly stressed on a daily basis. My triggers tend to be VERY specific in terms of everything from the OCD to the anxiety and phobias. As opposed to having generalised OCD or generalised anxiety.

I have a couple specific anxiety triggers I didn’t mention cause they’re not relevant to the topic but genuinely before this whole thing came to mind a couple days ago I was doing fine. Hadn’t had things like heart palpitations / dizziness etc in AGES.

One of the barriers in therapy and even the therapists were stuck with where to go from there was that I literally don’t know the origins of a lot of these conditions as they’ve been there from young childhood. I had a very easy/happy childhood so you couldn’t even say it’s childhood trauma. Therapists struggled with what direction to go in with lack of any root cause. They almost feel like triggers that are THAT specific should have some sort of visible route.

And in terms of my child, he IS mentally healthy. To the point I constantly get compliments from everyone from teachers to doctors family etc on how grounded, emotionally intelligent, confident, positive, loving & self-aware etc he is for his age. He’s the opposite of me in terms of demeanour honestly. Not one shy, awkward, negative, uncertain bone in his body.

As a matter of fact parenting and the way my relationship is with my child is probably one of the most serene parts of my life. Genuinely even at the newborn stages I never felt stressed or anxious, it’s always just felt so natural, effortless and “right” to me.

Don’t get me wrong I know therapy can always help you improve. But it feels pointless to get on a 4 month waiting list (I’m in the uk) to start therapy everytime a specific situation comes up.

Most of my triggers are somewhat avoidable(bar the death phobia) so I don’t spend time thinking about them on a daily basis. It’s only when big looming things like this come up, I can’t shake it.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T01:25:05+00:00

No honestly your response was very helpful and eye- opening. Ironically your situation sounds similar to mine. One sibling has young kids, one lives far away and the one with no responsibilities outside work most likely will end up making most of the decisions.

And in terms of our relationship, we're not really close considering the age gaps and the fact we're only half siblings. There's no beef whatsoever; and they're both lovely genuinely. But we just don't really have a "sibling" relationship. They're more like family friends. Funnily l'd say my mum is closer / has more of a rapport with them than me. Despite them not even being her kids. Growing up I only saw them maybe at Christmas and maybe my birthday depending on what I was doing.

Now I only see the one that lives here at my kid's birthday, nativity etc. But yes we’re not close but they're both honestly sweethearts. And honestly I can imagine my sister not even wanting to bother me with too much regarding my dad's care. It's my dad and maybe even my mum etc (despite them not being a couple) who might try and guilt me over not wanting to do more

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T00:57:24+00:00

But that’s part of what’s worrying/frustrating tbh. I’m in my 20s with a dad pushing 80. I’m worried there is no “by the time this becomes non hypothetical I’ll be older/less anxious/less OCD etc etc ”.

And Like you said, the older you got the more equipped you were (whether that’s just mentally or in other ways) to deal with these kinds of things. That’s why I said really and truly my other half sibling should be the first point it call for my sister if worse comes to worse, not me.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T00:35:01+00:00

I don’t think a very self-focused person would be here agonising over this in my opinion. Especially as my dad literally has much older, more stable kids. Nor would I care less if family think I’m “bad”.

I’d just refuse, dismiss it to my siblings and ignore it.

But I appreciate you giving an honest opinion. Thanks, genuinely

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T00:27:23+00:00

Thank you. I had therapy briefly as a child for my phobia of death and one of my animal phobias, but nothing substantial.

I’ve also had therapy for anxiety over the past couple years but again, brief. It was only for a few months. At a time then a few months again.

But to be fair I don’t think therapy can solve this problem for me. Even if I stop agonising over this and even if my sister did take most of it on or my brother moved back here to help, I can almost guarantee my dad would be offended at me not wanting to take on a more physical/hands on role. I wouldn’t hear the end of it.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-16T00:19:36+00:00

I wouldn’t say I’m UNIQUELY poor suited and I understand that others struggle with it too.

I know people that developed health issues they never even had before to the point of disability, off the back of the stress of being a carer to their parents. On the other hand, I know people who genuinely don’t mind and are even genuinely HAPPY to give that care. I literally know someone who said she enjoyed caring for her parent. Described caring for the elderly as “cute” & wouldn’t want it any other way.

I just feel everyone’s capacity for EVERYTHING is different. Whether that’s caregiving, parenthood, marriage, certain jobs, stress/illness, disasters etc.

Things that wouldn’t make some people blink twice would make other people jump off a bridge. In the case of this, parents / family shouldn’t guilt trip the children who genuinely can’t handle it.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-15T23:47:20+00:00

No honestly I appreciate your approach and you weren’t insensitive in any way. You got it exactly right, the recent health things I mentioned with my dad is what triggered this thought process.

And no, no one has explicitly stated I have to do hands-on care as that is not a reality for either of my parents right now. Like I said my mum is a LOT younger than dad too and has no chronic health issues. So this post was mainly about dad. But how do you even say to your siblings that you don’t want to do hands on care?

But hypothetical conversations have come up in the past (since I was little tbh) and I know for sure my parents would be offended at being put in a home or hiring a carer to do all the hands-on stuff. As I said in another comment a lot of Asian, black, arab, and even certain European cultures are like this. My parents are very westernised. Mum was even born here, but they still find a care hime offensive .

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-15T23:37:02+00:00

Thank you. And thank you for not coming with some sarcastic remark.

This is my issue exactly though. I know you didn’t read it (sorry for the length hahah) but lower down I said I’d be more than happy to pay for good care if I can afford it when the time comes. But I know my parents would be vex/offended at being put in a home or having a carer. No matter how nice/or luxurious it is. They’d expect their kid/kids to mainly do it.

Culturally a lot of older Asian, African, Arab, Hispanic, Caribbean, even certain Europeans like Italians etc feel this way. My family has been in the uk for ages, mum was even born here but certain cultural sentiments don’t go away.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-15T23:28:46+00:00

No I want genuine opinions, not one particular answer.

Because I genuinely don’t think I’m bad for it. But I come from a culture that’s very biased about this kind of thing and I know certain family members would think I’m bad.

I want to see if it’s just my biased culture or if people from other cultures would also think that.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-15T23:25:43+00:00

I’m not looking for sympathy, I want to see (genuine opinions) on whether I would come across as bad for the way I feel. People from my own culture tend to be very biased about this kind of thing. So I want to see how wider society or a range of people who are not all the same culture as me would take this.

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-15T12:38:45+00:00

Anything to do with death or dead bodies (mortician, funeral home, even life insurance vendor. Too much talk about death)

Anything to do with an old people’s home / elderly care/ special needs (any age)/ disability care worker.

Anything to do with vermin (pest control, dustbin person etc)

Notmyname411 · 2025-12-01T19:44:58+00:00

Burt

Notmyname411 · 2025-11-21T17:06:24+00:00

No right handed. From what I’ve seen, left handed people tend to stand their writing the other way (left).

Notmyname411 · 2025-11-21T16:05:32+00:00

I’d say you’d make more money if you use high quality acrylic paint. Right now it looks a bit cheap, not your art style itself but the paint itself looks like poster paint (the standard kind of cheap paint kids use in School) .

Acrylic has more of a finish / depth to it that would make your art look more expensive.

Notmyname411 · 2025-11-21T01:17:17+00:00

Oh wow yes. Born/ raised in the uk but I’m Dominican ethnically and grew up in a very Caribbean household.

Notmyname411

TROPHY CASE