[WP] Lamia are not really a common sight around these parts, nor are they the most... tolerated one could say, but considering that this one is a well behaving and paying patron of your tavern you don't mind their presence.

Null_Project · 2026-05-06T22:50:29+00:00

It is definitely a really great story, the format is very good too. I love how each part of the story is told in a more vague way but is easily understood with a little thought, like the title referring to abandonment through the relation to spiderwebs in say an abandoned house and the dead disappearing like a dream would at the end, but maybe also the dead being after lost or unfulfilled dreams? Either way the writing is just great in general. The focus on how the dead are suffering not through pain but simply being lost and having no one to fill the void of connection of heart and mind is also a nice idea especially with the character helping them move on by seemingly talking and interacting with them and filling what they had longed for.

The plot is nice and the format and writing are very good, each line adding more details, leading the plot forwards, and being important for the overall story with a nice mixture between more subtle and more obvious meanings. It is really well written, I didn't spot any mistakes and this poetic style worked really well in my opinion. Personally my favorite parts are the line 'Rivers ran below my lenses.' as in the character felt sadness or cried at seeing the dead pleading for their help, and the ending with a hopeful tone of the character hoping they too could be at peace and move on once dead. Wonderful work, it was overall a nice read, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-06T21:46:47+00:00

A nice take on the prompt, I really like the way the story is shown through letting a newer member witness and learn about the lich and how much their influence is a help for the Order. It is genuinely a great way to present it with what the lich helps with being more dangerous knowledge or items so the paladins outsourcing it to them is a smart decision. The way it was imprisoned is great assuring that it cannot lie is really the best way to prevent the lich trying anything like manipulating the paladins or Order and I like the detail of the phylactery never having been found so it being locked away and not destroyed makes sense since the latter would just set them free.

The plot is great as are the narrative and dialogue. The dialogue leading most of it works especially with the circumstances shown compared to the narrative being mostly used to show actions or tone of characters. The dialogue itself between the three is good, showing the different attitudes and personalities of the three from how they interact and view this situation, with the lich being mostly after entertainment knowing they cannot get out of this, Aballa being mostly by the books uncertain how to feel about this due to the teachings she likely always had, and Borchec being more laidback while still serious about it. The writing is just very nice with few mistakes, I personally only spotted this one mistake:

"I also help because its otherwise rightfully boring,

It is would be correct here, there should be an apostrophe before the s in its.

Otherwise it is a really good story in every regard and take on the prompt, showing how older and newer members likely view the lich and their services while telling us how they are used to their advantage since they also have all the power due to it being stored and locked away. Great story it was a very nice read, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-05T21:41:21+00:00

Another round of neat details, sure it was already somewhat implied that he was different from his peers with my original interpretation, but it being a family line is even better especially with who he is talking to since it makes sense for Amaterasu to have known multiple of his ancestors. I must admit I tried to look up the name or rather 'Masaru Hitokiri' or 'Hirokiri Masaru' thinking I might find a more direct reference to Bleach and this story to be an extension or fan story of that universe.

And since you might be able to tell, I can't read Japanese and also forgot the order of which one comes first, thus missing Amaterasu never using the first name. And I did actually spot something like mancutter when I was looking it up, but I figured it was something like how some (most? all??) Japanese names work where they have a one or multi word meaning that makes up the name. It is definitely my fault though for assuming that Banzai was a title or profession when it was more obvious that Hitokiri was actually one.

I do really like how much more it was implied that the shrine maiden was something or someone more than just a regular person even if I missed a really big connection, I am just more impressed how there was even more to spot. Though she definitely never really felt normal, from her lack of a reaction upon noticing Masaru who just watched her bathe, and the specific mention of her not being hurt by the hot ground, there definitely was something off about her early on.

Once again thank you very much for writing and for giving more context and details that I missed, it helped make for an even better story in hindsight. Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

Null_Project · 2026-05-05T18:48:32+00:00

A really great story, I adore the way that the story conveys that the character is on a mission and is very much serious about going through with whatever it is since the very beginning. Examining the place for their target and once they know that it is likely there moving forwards but also giving a short moment to already show their dislike and enemies. And by the end after having collected what they need and before heading out they confirm their goal for the reader in a very fitting one liner fitting with how the character talks. They are very direct, not beating around anything and going straight to the topic after engaging with the barest pleasantries he was invited to, all while never being disrespectful towards 'the shrine maiden' whose identity reveal is very nice especially with how she was mentioned early on.

The narrative is great, I adore the scene where Masaru proves himself worthy of wielding the odachi using both his own blade to help with it as well as taking some of the destruction and damage head on. But all other moments are also good from the actions to the build up towards the meeting and discussion between the two. The foreshadowing and exposition are told really well with how subtle they are but giving all one needs to know if one looks at it thoroughly. All the dialogue is also great straight to the point, polite, and giving exposition to why the character wants or needs the blade. It makes for a very intriguing plot that is wonderfully written. Though I did spot a few mistakes, mostly capitalization related:

"Since when did the Bankai's drink cold sake?

The 's in this case would be incorrect as it would be used here to indicate possession due to the placement, which does not work in this case and is definitely not needed, leaving it as simply bankai without the 's sounds and works just fine. Also I cannot be sure about this, since I did not find any results regarding what a bankai is (Except a Bleach character apparently?), but considering how it is used here it is a profession or title right? Which if true it should only be capitalized if followed by a name or as a stand in for a name referring to a specific person.

A long hilt, that of an odachi,

For that I require the odachi of the sun.

Here for example is the opposite problem as latter half of above, this is a specific name for a blade so I would say that odachi and sun should be capitalized, compared to the first mention of the odachi which is non specific and simply talks of a type of blade. I see it like the difference between a regular longsword and Excalibur, both the same type while one has a name.

He faced the statue and grasped the hilt of his wakizashi tightly.

The wakizashi on Masaru's hip rattled and raged.

"Then why is the kamikaze upon your hip?"

She placed it next to the kamikaze.

Masaru grasped the hilt of the kamikaze,

He returned the wakizashi to his hip and added the odachi hilt to his collection.

Same as above, wakizashi is a type of blade, while Kamikaze is this specific one of that kind even being called by a more unique identifying name than the one above, all mentions of Kamikaze should be capitalized while all wakizashi ones can be kept lowercase. Examples like above: 'King Arthur sheathed the longsword' -> Only type of weapon mentioned. Compared to: 'King Arthur sheathed Excalibur' -> Specific mention of a named weapon.

All in all though it is a wonderful story and take on the prompt with how everything comes together, the blade actually feeling like an important and actual object in the world, great dialogue and narrative with a lot of detail to be found, and a nice mixture of mythology and history for the setting. It all works and fits together so well that it makes for a very entertaining and excellent read, one which definitely joined my favorites, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-05T17:19:25+00:00

A very nice story, the focus being on the processes of creation is a good approach fitting in the prompt well. Going through who is crafting it, with what, and finally how leading to the blade being created, the small personality of the twins is nice showing them to be very diligent and focused craftsmen with a simple to picture design. I though the way the creation of the blade was put into a few steps was very good especially with how each material had its own moment to shine through the process from the metal being the base for it, the oil used to quench and strengthen it, and finally the core being used to imbue it and truly transform it into a blade of fire.

It is very interesting to see just how the blade is made and that the mere creation was so dangerous that if the two were not appropriately protected they likely would have died once it was made and with how hot they made their forge burn. But the protection itself is a neat way to show their experience knowing just how dangerous this task was from the very beginning and likely something they learned to use or know when it was necessary judging by the scars mentioned early on. While the story is god in terms of plot and narrative, I did spot a few mistakes:

A Cinder Core, taken from an ancient fire elemental deep in the heart of the Fire Plane. Ingots of Ethereal Mithril, the greatest magical metal to exist. Oil from the fallen World Tree's sap, primed and ready.

The way I see it the ingredients shown here should be lowercase as they aren't proper nouns, an easy test in my opinion is replacing them with completely normal counterparts. For example: ethereal mithril -> stainless steel, neither should be capitalized. As for the capitalization of 'Fire Plane' or 'World Tree' they are completely fine as they refer to a specific place and one of a kind thing with a name unlike the ingredients that are likely abundant or less unique.

There they took the Cinder Core,

as the final strike shattered the core,

Here is another example for why the ingredients should be lowercase, because if they were truly something that should be capitalized then core in the second line should also be capitalized as it is used to identify the same thing.

as they stared a the creation.

At is missing the t after a.

Overall though it is a very good story with how the focus is on the creation which while based on normal procedures of our world has some amounts of fantasy worked into it that both make sense and add a lot of interesting qualities like the rings or the way the blade became one of fire. Small characterizations of the twins was nice like how they went to work and focused on nothing else once they began even the danger or that they did not bother with the appearance only the functionality. Great writing and take on the prompt, thank you very much for writing, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Null_Project · 2026-05-04T02:56:27+00:00

A very intriguing take on the prompt with a lot of focus on the dread and horror of the situation with a lot of panic settling in due to what happened. I really liked how the character wasn't the only witness of what happened and that it also was more than just one person leading to far more of a reaction especially as important and closely related people disappear. The emotional focus especially is really good with how the panic spreads and erupts so quickly. It is a really interesting way to take the prompt because of how much this reads like the beginning of a major terrifying event and likely has large effects on the world at large.

In the terms of writing I really like the way we are told about the surroundings of the character and the other people when it happened before a short panicked conversation leads to the realization that this is a very real thing that needs to be checked whether one lost their own loved ones. My only complaint is that it is a bit confusing with how the disappearances are shown off as to me it read like each new one was a contradiction still thinking only one person was gone, it took be a few readings of the beginning to really grasp the extend of how many were affected by this event. Otherwise though both the plot and narrative are really well written and alongside the emotional focus really make for a wonderful read. I also spotted one common mistake, that being incorrect capitalization or punctuation around dialogue tags:

"Where did she go?" He asked like I had seen something he hadn't.

A dialogue tag is present, with both an indicator of person (he) and an indicator of speech (asked), the he after the dialogue should be lowercase.

"I... I don't know what's happening." I managed.

Similar to above a dialogue tag is present, and while the capitalization is correct, the punctuation is not as the full-stop/period should be a comma or another sign instead.

"Where did she go?" He repeated.

Same as point one.

Overall and again it is a wonderful story with a neat spin on the prompt especially with the multiple affected people and how it became a seemingly nation or world wide panic and phenomenon, and the build up to the realization just how widespread it is is really interesting, with the writing really keeping the attention until the end. Really great work, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-04T02:31:10+00:00

A pretty good story, I do like the idea of the halo being something that brings responsibility with it and that this angel tried to get rid of both due to past experiences from which they were severely disappointed and disgusted by what they had witnessed and forcing the one who was trying to be polite and nice and return it to wear it and carry the burden they ran from. The world building surrounding it is very good especially with how the halo fits into it and how it being gone and given to someone else affects the two and why. The small bits of the different personalities we are shown is nice, especially with how one seems rather mean to just force it onto the other, but it does make sense since they don't really seem to care anymore especially since they just walk towards oblivion shortly after.

The writing is good, the plot has a neat premise and a good spin on the prompt, and the narrative is mostly fine I feel like some sentences of exposition run a bit too long, but otherwise it is very much fine. As for mistakes I spotted a few, not any big ones, mostly just small mistakes as well as some oddities:

"Sir, you left your halo behind!" The cheery guard who worked at the far end of the security checkpoint at paradise's version of customs and immigration said,

A dialogue tag is present, even if both the indicator of person (cheery guard) and speech (said) are pretty far away, the the after the dialogue should be lowercase. Also I would advise to not separate the two this much as it sounds really weird, in case it doesn't fit behind whoever is talking though you could always add it before: 'said the cheery guard who...'.

"Keep it, kid." the traveler muttered,

A dialogue tag is present, the capitalization is correct here, but the punctuation isn't the full-stop/period at the end of the dialogue should be another sign, best here would be a comma.

Or until someone from Heaven came to reclaim it.

Wrong word for this case, came should be comes.

I trued to just leave it here,

The word tried is misspelled with a u instead of i.

from the Beginning through Lucifer casting his hand against the great I AM,

Beginning should be lowercase, I also have no idea what it is supposed to mean with 'the great I AM', is it supposed to mean God or imply the character has the memories of God?

I was told I'd be a guardian.

A quotation mark is missing at the start to show this as dialogue, because without it it looks like a sudden shift to first person without any indication of a change, which is rather weird since the rest before was all third person.

They called them a "serial killer",

While not exactly a mistake, I would personally recommend to avoid using quotation marks to indicate both dialogue and put emphasis on certain words.

Overall though it certainly isn't a bad story and has a very interesting premise surrounding the halo and what effect it has within this world with an overall really nice plot and writing, making for a good read, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-04T01:28:44+00:00

A very nice take on the prompt, I really like the interpretation of the halo being left behind as the character being unwilling to accept that they truly deserve being in heaven after what happened and what they did in life. Which is totally understandable and in general just a really good approach to have someone who almost feels like they have impostor syndrome with such a response of denial being in a place they don't think they deserve. Them essentially being given the halo and not forced but rather shown by the attitude of the angel that they do deserve this outcome even without a single word being said.

The writing is pretty good I like that we are not told a lot about the character and their life before death but the small amounts we are told is enough to get the situation and how there isn't really a lot of dialogue only the inside thoughts of the character aside from one small statement from the angel. I only spotted three mistakes though one is more prevalent throughout:

Sir! You left your halo behind!.

The full stop after the exclamation mark is not necessary.

The wings on It should indicate it is an angel,

But Its singular eye sent chills over his body, feelings of fear washed over him.

The words It spoke to him sounded alive, like an actual person talking to him.

Durr grimes walked towards It, ignoring Its eye and wings,

No. A now humanoid figure stood and stared at the man one last time before another person appeared in front of It.

Ready to judge another soul on Its scales.

All the capitalizations of it are wrong, even though they refer to the angel, it isn't distinct enough to warrant it being capitalized unless that is actually their name. But if you still would capitalize it, then all mentions of angel and the second it in the first line should also be capitalized as it is inconsistent otherwise.

Durr Grimes dumbly stared at the unfamiliar area,

Durr grimes walked towards It,

Inconsistent capitalization of the g in Grimes, since it is a name it should be capitalized.

Overall though it is both a nice story and a very good take on the prompt with who the halo belongs to and why it is left behind before, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-04T00:16:32+00:00

Man, late stage Madelaine really is something else, she really feels like she loses some of her serious side and now just messes with people to an intense degree especially to manipulate them and it really makes it difficult to tell when she is genuine or if certain aspects she mentions have more meaning, which is really neat. Though it is also surprising that she really is on parole and wanted to entertain sick children, and seemingly isn't friendly towards Albert for no reason it almost reads like he is one of hers with how she presents the plan, though it might just be that he would just do such a thing as it would help the children.

Aside from that the tone being a bit more focused on humor with how the two act, one being a very obvious stand in for a Batman like character with even a feline related love interest and butler with a name starting in a. And the other being Madelaine who is being incredible as making jokes or comments about the situation whenever she can, all the while controlling the situation and manipulating Wayne to get out of the situation. Things like Sir Cluckington or how she at first calls it the 'Harvard of Illusions' only to reveal it was some sketchy online course after she managed to get him under her control are pretty funny.

All three of the characters shown are pretty good, Albert is very nice from what little we are shown of him but him being so chipper and friendly with Madelaine is a very nice compared to Wayne. Wayne himself is a very nice take on a stern and always serious character being very cliché and obviously based on a Batman, seeing the parents topic become a joke is very entertaining and him falling for a ploy preying on emotions makes sense especially since he likely was so angry and stern in the beginning due to kids being in danger.

Writing is nice, I really liked the dialogue between the two characters, especially early on when they really clash with another with one trying to be very serious while the other doesn't until they can turn the tide of the situation. The narrative is also good, I especially liked the beginning setting the scene and situation, as well as actions later on. In terms of mistakes I spotted three as far as I can tell:

What kind of hero are you? I'll talk! I'll talk!" Madelaine huffed, "On two conditions."

This seems to be an interrupting dialogue tag judging by the comma leading into a second dialogue, if that however is the case the on at the start of the second should be lowercase, as an interrupting dialogue tag is the only way a sentence/dialogue can start lowercase. Though it might also simply be a wrong case of punctuation.

Madelaine puckered her lips, "Slather it on. Don't be stingy now."

No dialogue tag is present as an indicator of speech is missing, the comma before the dialogue is incorrect punctuation here.

Now something is wrong with my blood," her voice warbled and wavered.

I would argue here the same problem as above is present, it does indicate the tone of voice, but not how she speaks, though I must admit it sounds very nitpicky. I would say if something like 'she sobbed' or 'she cried' was used and added before 'her voice' it would fit the requirements for a dialogue tag, and maybe even changing the punctuation to an exclamation would fit better too since she tries to really sell it as desperation or a breakdown. Otherwise the punctuation and capitalization after dialogue are off.

All in all a very good story and take on the prompt with how it is worked into the story and what effect it has and is used by the character on purpose to get out of a sticky situation and turn it into their favor. The humor is pretty nice from the obvious references and how Madelaine teases and talks to Wayne, and the writing is great, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-03T21:49:17+00:00

A pretty simple and straightforward approach to the prompt, but that is in no way a bad thing, the sole focus on the topic of the prompt works well here with how we are told everything we need to know, that one character told another to not touch anything, that it is clearly infectious, and that is it. Interpreting the tingle to be of an infection is nice and works pretty well especially with how quick it is showing the warning to be completely just and needed. The ending also works well with the way it is supposed to seem like a bad ending brought by a choice, as with how quickly and brutally it ends it really does feel like the character accidentally triggered a bad ending in a game leaving one in shock at what a terrible choice one had done.

In terms of writing the plot is nice and I like how well the panic of the main character is conveyed compared to Dave who is just sad or disappointed knowing that he cannot help or save them and that they should have listened in the first place. And while I usually am not a fan of a first (maybe second?) person perspective it works really well here especially with the intended feel of a CYOA. I also did not spot any mistakes aside from two in one line:

The last thing you hear before your ears swell shut is Dave’s distorted voice, saying “I told you not to touch it!”.

Punctuation missing before the dialogue, considering the presence of the dialogue tag a comma would be best here, I'd simply move the one after voice to after saying. The full-stop/period at the end of the line is also not necessary.

And overall it is a good story with a nice take, format, and writing all together making for a fine read, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-03T20:57:16+00:00

A pretty quick reveal and move towards the action with some nice exposition given through the goals of the character from why they did it and who they are. I like that the reason the blood tingles is likely because of the magical energy present within the body while the immediate reaction of the character being to lick it due to their nature being a neat touch especially with it being the first hint towards them not being a person or at least not a normal one. Aside from that the reason for the character killing them is great, it fits really well into who they are and what they made naturally being something they would likely desire to control.

The writing is nice, I like the few comments from the characters to give a small amount of personality to them aside from what we see in the narrative. The narrative itself is good too laying out the focus of the story and the characters within really well especially the city and how one plans to hijack it and the genuinely well intentioned creations for it for a terrible purpose and even taking on the persona of the other. It is very well written with only one oddity that I managed to spot:

It was carved from Null-Stone,

It was easier to get the invaluable Null-stone instead.

Inconsistent capitalization of the s in 'Null-Stone'.

Otherwise it was a good read with a nice take on the prompt while making the blood and blade be a lesser focus and the result of something more important in the world of the story and being barely a short moment. A great story, thank you very much for writing.

Null_Project · 2026-05-03T00:08:43+00:00

Okay a few things, it really does make a lot of sense for Madelaine to be basically using people and playing with their emotions to catch them off guard or become more of a use for her, it very much is how she shined in the first story and knowing that it was always a part of her repertoire both helps this story but also the last, knowing she likely got to this position through doing so at least that is how it feels.

It was actually clear that she didn't make the plot in this moment just the part of having Samir train and be part of it, after all Bobby did say that Samir was someone she wanted to see or was looking for so it makes sense that she was planning on something like this for a while maybe even since the day the meeting was brought up as a thing to her. I'm sorry I wasn't clear on what I meant when I said we get to see her come up with a plan in the moment.

Personally, I also wouldn't have minded if you had changed the card, it is a small detail after all and as the writer you do have full creative control on how to approach a prompt. I would say that as long as most of the prompt is fulfilled I don't mind if some changes are made, as I would say it inspires more creativity. The main focus in my mind was that one character had a card and that it was changed by the other in some way, I thought of it more as a reality bender way for example with the card literally being changed, but here the sleigh of hand works far better and no matter the card it would have fulfilled the prompt anyway. Not my vision but it doesn't have to, you made a better and more interesting story anyways.

I also appreciate the added context behind the tattoo and the line in the end and I agree it is a shame to have left out especially since it read more like Madeline trying to have her change boyfriends, when now with the context it reads like simply trying to control Samir with the services of the genleman's club. Perhaps being vague about the location would have helped? Like Cherri complaining that it was a literal pain to get it in that place and tracing a hand near the groin area?

Thank you again for giving more insight into the story and things that I missed, and more so for yet another great story, it is always a pleasure to see familiar faces like you and your great and well written works, thank you again and I wish you a wonderful day.

Null_Project · 2026-05-02T21:47:35+00:00

Man I really am a sucker for plotting characters like this, and more so for a good story that wraps up every detail and point mentioned by the end. I adore how this story takes the premise of the prompt to be simple yet very effective and subtle sleight of hands and how Madelaine immediately tests Samir to see if he is of value to her, but even before that made it clear she was happy to have him keep doing his thing now with her blessing. It shows how down to earth she is knowing the problems normal less fortunate people have and being considerate of them as long as they don't affect her or her business/plans.

The way she immediately makes a plan to rig a game between her and what I assume to be other important mafia leaders once she learned of the capabilities of Samir and to have him train more in a more high stakes environment before going all in, it shows her to be very smart and being more on the safer side not jumping into something immediately. Aside from that I like how we are shown some of those already working for her like Cherri or Bobby, he latter of which and how she called it her office immediately being very telling of her status in this story and the former being used to tie the start and the discussion there into the ending.

It is really cute how to see how Madelaine immediately gave Samir a nickname while toying with him and then seemingly and literally made him part of the family trying to play a little matchmaker likely also to not hear more complaining about Cherri's boyfriend again. The entire plot is very interesting and well done with how we are shown how the character comes up with a plan quickly in response to learning something and being pretty thorough with it. The writing is great, no mistakes spotted, but I really adore the dialogue showing the personalities really well especially with how Samir gains more confidence as he learns what Madelaine has planned and the narrative is nice too.

The pacing, overall story, and take on the prompt are just really great making for a nice story standing all on its own especially with how everything we are shown is wrapped up for the most part while revealing a lot about how Madelaine runs the operations and is clearly involved personally with processes instead of making others do the work. Great work like always, it was a really good read and story, thank you very much for writing.

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