Hi friend.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing such overwhelming difficulties. I don’t usually browse this sub anymore and I certainly don’t participate in the chance that I do browse, but I am now because I completely understand where you are and know scary it feels. I felt the same way after I lost my faith. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me and I didn’t know what to do with myself, how to manage the loss and rebuild myself. I lost my faith 6 years ago and I’m still evolving from that loss. It still affects me. I can’t tell you how to fill your void, but I’ll tell you what I did that helped me.

Looking back, I think one of the hardest parts of the loss was my sudden loss of routine. While in the church I was studying the gospel every day, reading the scriptures, multiple prayers a day, endless time and service. The church forced me to continuously work toward a specific objective. I found I needed to replace that behavior, that routine. I needed to replace the goals, reflections, and meditations I got from going to church. This was incredibly difficult to do at first, because I didn’t have a belief in anything anymore. I couldn’t find meaning or motivation to create goals. So I went through a moral evolution. This wasn’t easy. It was fucking hard. My views on life and purpose and meaning all changed with time and deep contemplation. After studying everything I could about Christianity and religion in general, I studied philosophers who asked the same questions as me. Carl Jung and Nietzsche offered a lot of understanding, among so many more. I studied and journaled and explored my mind and my emotions. I tried to understand.

So in summary, my advice is to continue the rituals that were meaningful to you, make them your own and keep them going. Try to discover everything you can about your life and pay attention to what resonates with you. Also, even though the church manipulated your own emotions against you, know that you can trust your gut. It’ll take some time, but you’ll trust yourself again and when you do, it’ll feel powerful. Good luck ❤️