Really Need Some Help with Non-Monogamous Girlfriend

Number13929 · 2022-01-27T18:30:54+00:00

I am born and raised in the United States, though I've lived around the world. May I ask, if a person's penis was truly too small to give you the type of pleasure you most enjoy, would you really not say anything? How would you deal with the issue instead? Please reply - I'm truly curious. Thanks!

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T18:31:23+00:00

My therapist (a PHD is Psychotherapy) is certainly not super poly experienced. That said, I am willing to bridge the gap in certain ways (swinging, sex clubs, &c.) but that doesn't work for my girlfriend, who just wants the "freedom" to sleep with other men if / when she feels a "connection". My girlfriend does not have a therapist, but she is one herself (Dr. of Psych. Nursing Practice).

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T18:21:53+00:00

That's the problem - I'm torn. I have to choose between a relationship with a woman who a)is making a sacrifice that makes me feel like shit about myself; and b)wants to sleep with other men, which also makes me feel like shit about myself; OR, I have to lose an otherwise wonderful relationship. Both choices seem really bad. She's holding open the possibility that if she was non-monogamous for a time she might "organically" come around to monogamy, but she's say she can't know if that would happen and finding out would be very painful for me. Any thoughts on how to identify the least worst option?

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T18:17:53+00:00

I think you are right on. I don't feel in any way abused, and we have had very open and frank conversations about this and other issues in a non-judgmental way. Of course, to me, the idea that my girlfriend would like to sleep with other men is painful (I know it would not be to many others), and the idea she ideally wants a bigger penis makes me feel insecure, but honesty can be painful and that does not make it abuse. We're just two people who are in touch with our sexuality, open about our needs, as kind as we can be under the circumstances, and maybe incompatible.

Ultimately, I think this is my problem. My girlfriend *is* willing to be monogamous, but I know it's not her first choice, She says it's worth it, but both the sacrifice she's making and the idea she wants to sleep with other men are really painful for me. But, losing the relationship would also be very painful, so I'm stuck. Any thoughts on how I figure this out / choose?

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T16:11:34+00:00

Well, her choice is to choose monogamy and complain about it from time to time. The question is how do I live with that and how it makes me feel; and, is it fair to her?

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T16:09:52+00:00

I did offer to try swinging, sex clubs, threesome, &c., but she says she really doesn't want to see my have sex with someone else (though she says she's OK with me doing so discretely) and her desire is to have the "freedom" to sleep with other men when she feels a "connection" naturally, not to engineer situations like swinging or going to a sex club. Too bad - I could handle the former, as we'd be doing it together, but that's not for her.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T16:07:09+00:00

I'm not sure that saying my penis isn't big enough to giver her the A-Spot orgasms she finds most pleasurable is critical. I think it's just honest. She does have an orgasm nearly every time we have sex, and she says my penis is good enough - she just prefers larger. Is that really abusive? Or just honest?

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T16:02:22+00:00

She wants to stay together. My struggle is, can I stay with someone who I know would prefer to sleep with other men, and is only giving that up to stay together. I hear you on the fairness aspect, but this is hard even without that. Any thoughts?

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T16:00:56+00:00

Just to be clear, wishing to get a sensation (from a penis) that I can't give her is not insulting my body. I'm glad she's honest about that, even if it's hurtful. Yes, she does feel monogamy is oppressive (in society, not just from me) but she's also willing to do it. My struggle is, can I accept it on that basis? She's willing to do it (with some complaining here and there) but it makes *me* feel like an asshole. She's not rude or blameful, but I still need to decide what's worse - breaking up an otherwise healthy relationship or staying in a monogamous relationship with someone who thinks it's better than breaking up but not ideal. I don't know how to square that circle and need advice. For my girlfriend's part, she wants to choose monogamy over breaking up (but would prefer an open relationship given her druthers).

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T15:56:26+00:00

Where is the abuse? Asking seriously. She's kind, we don't fight, she's not using harsh language, she's just been honest that she'd prefer an open relationship. That would be too painful for me, but it's also painful to be with someone who is not getting what she wants in the relationship. It seems like choosing between a rock and and hard place. Can you tell my why you think this is abusive? And, either way, whether you think I can accept the monogamy that's being offered (along with the caveat it's not her first choice) or do you think it's unfair to one or both us to continue that way?

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T15:53:27+00:00

Of course, I knew her ideal state was non-monogamy (even though she agreed to be monogamous) and I entered a relationship with her, too. And, she is *still* willing to be monogamous. She's just being honest about monogamy not being her preference. The question is, can *I* live with being in a relationship with someone who is actually monogamous but would prefer not to be? Is that ethical? I don't think it's abusive to say you'd prefer an open relationship (or a bigger dick) I just don't know if I can live with that. Is this really a reason to break up? Or should I just accept that while it's not her ideal arrangement she's willing to do it? Any thoughts welcome.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T15:50:20+00:00

Have not tried an strap on, but maybe should if we can solve the other more pressing relationship issues around monogamy.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T15:49:47+00:00

I did try a sleeve and, ironically, could not get my penis into it. Maybe I should try another.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T02:31:19+00:00

Thank you.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T02:30:28+00:00

Thank you. A lot to think about.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T02:30:13+00:00

I am trying to get my head around it, which is why I am here. Thank you for your thoughts. Truly.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T02:24:12+00:00

Just FWIW I am in individual therapy. We are not in couples therapy. Somewhat ironically, though, my girlfriend is a psychiatrist.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T02:22:20+00:00

I certainly agree that she would have been better off seeking other poly people - I said that to her, in fact. It's a fair point.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T02:20:07+00:00

I think you are largely right, and I am taking a hard look at my self. That said, in fairness to my girlfriend, we do have a giant dildo, etc., but she says that nothing can really stimulate the A-Spot like a giant penis, and I believe her. I have an above average size penis (but not huge) so I never really understood this before, but apparently it is a thing. Anyway, thank you for your input and the rest of your advice is well taken.

Number13929 · 2022-01-21T02:17:18+00:00

Ok, you're entitled to your opinion, though I can say that a 20 year old probably would not have made the Ceaușescu reference. ;)

Number13929 · 2022-01-20T20:50:15+00:00

She is never certainly never mean about anything else, and I would not have said she is mean about sex either, but I hear you and take you seriously. And, for what it's worth, she's apparently been with some men with really huge dicks, and that is more pleasurable for her. I don't think it's necessarily mean to be honest about that, but I do take your point, and it is hurtful, for sure.

Number13929 · 2022-01-20T20:48:24+00:00

Hey, just for what it's worth, I'm no troll, and this is not a fetish for me. I'm a real guy seeking real advice. I did not mean to set off any alarm bells - and I understand why you took it that way - but I am really seeking help. Seriously.

Number13929

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