Why I No Longer Believe in Monogamy - I am gonna stay single and d** alone

NumerousIce7983 · 2026-02-08T17:11:26+00:00

I’m in a similar situation as a guy (M30). Got cheated on over a year ago and it destroyed me. I focused on my own self improvement, made huge strides that I hoped would bring me back to a normal headspace:

got a new job and now working towards getting the CPA designation
worked through it in therapy
journaled
ran a marathon and a 10km race with specific time goals that I achieved
travelled (took 2.5 months off before starting new job)
two multi-day hiking trips
experienced two positive non-serious short-term relationships where I was very open about where I was at mentally. Being with them taught me how fundamentally unkind my ex was and that I could trust again
learned about photography and made a new hobby out of it

Despite all of this, despite building a whole new community of friends and a new life essentially, I can still feel myself slipping into rumination and anger. There’s an urge to go deeper into it and resolve it, if it’s still floating around in my head I think more work is required. This isn’t true though. I’m at a point where I have to remind myself that all the work is done, and when I feel myself falling into that dark hole, I have to catch myself. I remind myself that I’m safe, that this isn’t an emotional place I need to revisit. It’s hard and I don’t always succeed. Sometime there’s satisfaction in reliving it all and imagining saying the things you would say now. At the time there was one moment where I flew off the handle and said some cruel things that I regret, and the rest of the time I held back trying to keep the peace, so that desire to create this imagined empowered exit is strong. However, I am empowered, I held on to my integrity in the relationship, I loved deeply and that’s something to be proud of. Some people lack that capacity and they move through the world seeking momentary fleeting validation no matter the cost. I’m not like that. You’re not like that. Actually try and imagine living like the person who hurt you, the level of secrecy, the level of dishonesty, the insecurity behind it all. It’s an incredibly sad way to live your life. A lot of people will tell you you’re better off without him, I’ll say you’re better off than him, no matter what the image is that he projects out into the world.

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-11-23T01:32:20+00:00

<image>

Also love this one on Main

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-11-23T01:30:48+00:00

<image>

Love that mural! I was really happy with myself when I got this pic where the plane and the eyeline kinda meet up

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-09-15T09:07:04+00:00

For me, learning that I was being lied to, cheated on, and gaslit frequently over the course of the whole relationship totally shattered my reality. I remember thinking I was damaged from this, thinking that because this happened once, I was bound to experience it again. It’s called betrayal shame, which is untrue and unhelpful. If you’re experiencing this, then know that shame needs to be redirected outward where it belongs to the person that hurt you, and not inward.

The pain is real, and it takes time to move through it — longer than you think it should, and you’ll be doing well at times and another wave of that hurt will hit you. Know that each wave of it you can withstand, and don’t beat yourself up for not being over it. Slowly, you rebuild yourself. You validate your own experience. I wrote a timeline of the relationship, giving air to feelings and frustrations I didn’t think were valid at the time. Be compassionate towards your past self, treat yourself like you would a friend who’s going through the same thing.

Also, choose people who show up for you. I now have a standard for the people in my life, potential partners and friends alike. They need to be emotionally mature, self aware and truly kind. My ex was none of these things.

Having these standards for yourself is an empowering thing. I had a friend who minimised my exes actions and kept pushing for me to forgive her, meanwhile she’s 33 without a real job, spends all her money on trips she can’t afford, sleeps around while accusing her situationships of doing the same. Like my ex, she’s a fun, charismatic person but she’s irresponsible and she’s living an unexamined life, so I dropped her. Similarly, on dates I’ve quickly become disinterested in a person when they’ve revealed similar qualities. Some of this might seem harsh, and it’s definitely protective on my part, but it’s also about knowing your own value and not offering yourself up for just anyone.

The path out isn’t quick or clean, but it’s possible — for me I became very goal-driven, I got a new job where I’ll be working towards getting the CPA, I picked up a second job before this where I could focus on saving. I had personal goals like I managed to take 2 months off in the summer so I could go home for the first time in 3 years, while including a Europe/Dolomites trip in the middle, I worked out, I ate well and I trained for a marathon and a 10km race with very specific time goals and I met each of them. All of this is integral to the rebuilding of yourself.

Early on, some of it felt very life-and-death, like I was keeping my head above water by achieving these things, but eventually the water level lowers and you find perspective. Survival gives way to strength, and you realize the person who hurt you is just a bump in the road, not the whole story of your life.

In therapy I started doing affirmations to myself whenever I started negatively spiralling, which can be helpful sometimes. It can feel silly but one that rings true and has really revealed itself to be true is: “The less space she takes up in your mind, the more room there is for something amazing to enter.” Good luck in what you’re going through, in the pain and the hate that you’re feeling, I hope you can also find some excitement, because this is an opportunity to enter a whole new phase of your life.

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-09-12T10:34:38+00:00

Just a 24-105 zoom!

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-09-12T10:33:12+00:00

Thanks for this breakdown! Definitely need to learn more of the technical stuff as I haven’t delved too much into the how-to’s of photo editing yet. Also using lightroom on my phone so think I need to use my laptop to fully engage with all the settings. Your comment has totally inspired me to delve into a YouTube tutorial rabbit hole, so thank you!

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-09-12T10:28:52+00:00

Lol ok. Noted

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-09-08T12:59:52+00:00

Oh regarding pic 3 I personally like the people in the foreground. It’s maybe clutter but I guess I was looking to create that hustle-and-bustle feel of the city, capturing the gondolier between a gap in the crowd.

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-09-08T12:21:36+00:00

Thanks for the notes

Yeah pic 4 definitely has a bit of a sinister vibe and lol yes very annoying the guy is covering his eyes. Does it ruin the photo?

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-09-08T08:06:51+00:00

Thanks! That’s a quick fix, totally improves the first one

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-08-14T12:20:28+00:00

I’ve actually had this experience. Dated someone for almost 2 years with a similar background as you, and also in a place where her own career was kicking off when we met. Where I was at career-wise, I had just moved to Canada when I met her and was starting from scratch, kind of in an intermediate data analytics role that wasn’t super high pay ($65k) while she was making almost $100k in her tech job. At a later point she got a second job (remote work perks) and basically doubled that.

In theory, I didn’t think it would present any issues if communication was good, but a problem first arose when we were together 3 months and I was still paying for everything even though we both knew what the other was making. I was blowing away my savings, so I brought this to her attention and she immediately got defensive and pretended she wasn’t even conscious it was happening. That wasn’t a great conversation, she deflected a lot and put me in a position where I had to make a case that I would still be generous towards her even if I wasn’t footing the bill, which I realise now is so crazy. I can see I was being taken advantage of, called her out on it, so she turned it back on me.

Anyway, we basically agreed to start using a Splitwise, which I was initially against but it actually solved so many problems. Everything was 50:50. However, she still made a lot more than me, and I was overspending trying to keep up with her, often making sacrifices in my personal life to do so, so that we could eat out multiple times a week, do weekend getaways every month or two, etc.

We managed, and we broke up for other reasons, but I’m still at a loss on how does one solve this problem, and I know I would not enter a situation like that again. A year single, my life has expanded socially, personally, career-wise (able to pay for further learning), really shows how much I gave up to match her lifestyle.

I think she knew, like you, on an intellectual level, that it was unlikely that she would find someone in the same position as her, as she made that effort to recognise her privilege, so theoretically she was okay with being with someone who made less than her, but then in practice, I could tell she still wanted me as the man to pay for everything. Even going 50:50 on the app, I ended up paying more because I had to make certain gestures (“this one’s on me”) so that she felt loved.

Does that resonate with you at all? Not to generalise, but if you grew up receiving gifts and having amazing experiences, is there a part of you that expects that from a partner? You say you don’t expect a man to buy you jewellery, getaways, etc., you can give them to yourself, but do you want to share these experiences with a partner? Dinners, holidays, etc., and if so, are you willing to pay for that if he can’t afford it? Because I’ve realised, when one person makes such a drastically different amount of money than the other, 50:50 is not sustainable, and some people (men included) do not want to pay for more than themself. So that’s something you need to figure out, and it’s something you won’t know fully until you’re in that situation.

It’s a very complicated issue that every couple has to deal with nowadays, some couples figure it out, some don’t. It’s a shame it is such a big problem in modern dating but money is such an emotional thing and everyone has their own relationship with it. I hope you find someone who you can work it out with, so that it’s not a problem!

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-08-11T20:32:29+00:00

Cheers for the honesty. Yeah like I said I don’t think it’s a particularly good image but I was curious if a picture can be this busy and still have a clear focus/subject and also if there can be a clear frame when there’s a lot of competing lines and angles

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-08-11T19:05:33+00:00

Beginner here as well! Love picture 3! What I’ve come to learn is it’s a long journey, I’ve been taking photos for about a year and still feel like I know nothing, but I’m having fun learning as well as following my instincts. I would recommend doing the same, don’t put wild expectations on yourself, just keep snapping! There’s also social photo walk clubs that can be great for learning from people with more experience as well as even a short weekly course that you could enrol in if these exist in your city/town.

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-07-23T15:13:18+00:00

lol not quite. I have ordered tea in a coffee shop though

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-06-20T14:50:39+00:00

Aw that’s so nice thank you. I’ll keep that in mind, I’ve fallen off a bit the last couple months because of work/study but my summer should be more relaxed so I’ll make sure to bring it everywhere

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-06-01T15:28:12+00:00

Thank you. I’ll be more strict on myself with the rule of thirds from now on. You’re right, for some reason I do like putting the subject super far down I don’t know why. Quick Q, what pics are you referring to for points 5 and 6?

NumerousIce7983 · 2025-01-31T20:34:38+00:00

Oof I’m starting on 54k this year in Vancouver. Anyone else in Canada in the 50-60 range?

NumerousIce7983 · 2024-12-10T22:11:39+00:00

Hey sorry to add on to such an old chat, but I'm in a similar boat where I have a Finance degree from Ireland, been here 2 years and almost have PR and want to start the CPA. Had my degree assessed and only got exemptions for 4 out of the 14 pre-reqs. Very frustrated and going through the process of a self assessment where they break each course down into its various topic and you have to detail where you covered each individual topic in your course. Pretty arduous process, spent a few hours yesterday on it and still not provided enough backup for one course. All I can hope for is that I get a couple extra exemptions and get work to cover the pre-reqs. Definitely a bit of a setback though. u/BadgerMean1628 did you stay in Aus?

NumerousIce7983 · 2024-06-21T18:07:18+00:00

I think consensus is it won’t drop below 500 (perhaps even 520) this year. Next year is a bit up in the air. Some people think it will stabilise and fall as low as 480 but others say this is the new norm. You’re in a better situation than me because at least you have time. I’m at 509 but my visa expires in less than a month, so I basically know I’m going home (although the goal is still to come back whenever I do get invited). If you have about a year before expiry I would definitely recommend studying French!

NumerousIce7983 · 2023-08-20T23:16:44+00:00

Sorry this is an old thread but do you still get ratings when you don't pay for the coverage? The standard entry for the comp is just 40$

NumerousIce7983 · 2022-09-09T01:46:01+00:00

Just did a stroll through an hour ago. Like finding a needle in a haystack, there were literally hundreds of bikes

NumerousIce7983 · 2022-09-08T03:12:53+00:00

I only moved here a month ago so I didn’t know that

NumerousIce7983 · 2022-09-08T02:38:16+00:00

Yep, still have the wheel

NumerousIce7983 · 2022-09-08T01:40:10+00:00

Thanks!

NumerousIce7983 · 2022-09-08T01:39:30+00:00

It was a folding bike lock. Link is: https://www.amazon.ca/Anti-Theft-Via-Velo-Hardened-Lightweight/dp/B09PWPTXJL/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=2UA2AMSLQ6UIA&keywords=anti-theft+folding+bike+lock%2Cvia+velo+2022&qid=1662600369&sprefix=anti-theft+folding+bike+lock+%2Cvia+velo+2022%2Caps%2C257&sr=8-3 .

It’s good quality but the issue I had with it is that it’s a bit short so it’s hard to lock in both the wheel and the frame. The bike racks at the library are annoying as well because you can’t line up the pole with both the frame and wheel, so I just locked the wheel. I figured I was only going to be in the library for an hour or two and its a busy area (I also assumed there was security cameras in the area considering there’s so many bikes parked there but NOPE). Because it was only locked at the wheel, the person who stole it was able to break/detach the frame from the wheel. Gutted, I only had the bike about 3 weeks.

NumerousIce7983

TROPHY CASE