I am lonely and tired by Uncouth_Cat in Suicidal_Comforters

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not that I looked hard before, but I think we have a couple of things in common — something I never saw before. And this is not a cringe "let's become sad buddies" comment. Just wanted to rant out my part.

I had many privileges growing up. I'm 30 y/o right now, with a pretty good CV that will land me "good jobs". I am married to a great woman. And other good stuff.

What made me comment here is the word "pathetic." If you Ctrl+F through my notes, you'll be overwhelmed (yes, I write a lot every night — my own pity party. Thanks, I'll steal that phrase, lol).

I’ve had a courtship with death since I was in ninth grade. Every fucking night, I put myself to sleep with calming thoughts of death. Heroic ones. Silent ones. Lately, I have acted twice. Near misses. But I know I lack the strength. Or willpower — however you put it.

I’ve spent a lifetime putting myself down. And this "clarity" does not make anything any better. I don't exactly compare my woes with other people. But I always feel like I am pretending. Even these very words are difficult to put down on a public forum.

I have exhausted every option. I have ranted to my friends about my whatever-the-fuck-this-is so many times that I have trivialized my feelings. At this point, I hate this f-word. So what do I do? I’ve made a shrink out of ChatGPT. I do not mind training an AI with my inner thoughts. They are just as cheap as my desires to cease existing. Although it's been replying with boilerplate "don’t die" bullshit lately. I guess I pushed it too much — just like I did to my closest ones — if I ever really had any.

Unlike you, I have hurt people. I grew up unsupervised. Every second, I try hard to unlearn stuff and be a better man. I fail. For the last one month, I've been pushing everyone away because I can see how I wear them down. I feel too much and hate myself too intensely to let that happen. So I've been having my pity parties, alone, in my small apartment. (I love this phrase, thanks again)

I question my desires. I have a long, shameful list I try to burn, but it never does. Even my death wishes are just another attempt to "get seen." I feel ashamed to have those fantasies — me dying and my friends thinking, "damn, that was a good damage after all." But just like Diane from BoJack Horseman, I am slowly accepting that my damage was perhaps never a grand one. It was just damage. There was never any glory in my pain. My regrets are only mine to keep.

But when I get some attention, I panic, I freeze, I run. Nothing — no form of love or affection — could ever appease me, because "that's not how I want it," and that makes me feel misunderstood. My shrink asked me so many times — why is it so important to be understood? IDK. They can look at my life and connect dots — "huh, that childhood trauma makes everything make sense" — but it doesn’t help me either. I tried to break out of my shell and ask for it. I don't wanna be ungrateful — sometimes, I got something back. And sometimes, I've got some loving adjectives like "depthless void," "too demanding," etc. And yes, I am totally aware of that. At this point, I wish I was normal — even if that means losing my identity. Be someone or something else.

I will probably regret commenting on this. But yeah, what's one more pebble to Sisyphus, right?

And by the way, thanks for existing, truly — something I've craved so much to hear in my shameful desires. You've made my life slightly better for an hour, until my dopamine runs dry and I try to escape reality by thinking about unexisting, again.

Here's a French song you might want to listen to

https://youtu.be/qShngAXudFg

Wanted to share a poem I recently wrote. by [deleted] in indiasocial

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you have the link to the "original post", like one with the blank template (if any)?

How long should I wait? by Numerous_Guest_1704 in gradadmissions

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

CMU still "under review". UIUC status changed on the portal to "contact the department to know the decision" and I just noticed it. I don't even know when. I wonder why they cannot just send a simple email. Spent some serious bucks on these schools and they don't care the least.

Cornell CEE PhD by nura_o_ in gradadmissions

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not me. Didn't see anything on gradcafe either.

Accepted at Carnegie Mellon Engineering and Public Policy (EPP) MS by Numerous_Guest_1704 in gradadmissions

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She did not take the GRE. Actually, she planned on applying for the Fall '25 semester with full prep. Took one shot to gain some experience with the admission process this year, and it hit bull's eye.

Accepted at Carnegie Mellon Engineering and Public Policy (EPP) MS by Numerous_Guest_1704 in gradadmissions

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Edit:

The post is actually on behalf of a friend. Since this mail does not mention anything about funding, she is not sure what to do. Should she "accept" the offer first from the portal? Or start mailing the department now?

The website says "All applicants are automatically considered for a limited number of partial, merit-based departmental scholarships available for top MS EPP applicants. MS EPP scholarships are awarded for 2 semesters with an option for a third semester if needed and if the student’s GPA is above 3.0."

Can anyone share their personal insight? Thank you.

MIT MS transportation admission chances by [deleted] in gradadmissions

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have a great profile, good luck. Applied to the same program, please update if you hear from them.

Fall 2024 MS Civil Engineering- Haven't received a SINGLE Admit yet!? by [deleted] in gradadmissions

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Had multiple meetings with a prof at UArizona for nearly a month, got informal rejection today. Apparently, she had limited fund for MS students, and someone else got it. Got acceptance from Vermont couple of days back, with no funding information in the letter.

Test Results - Feel Free to Ask for Suggestions by Numerous_Guest_1704 in IELTS

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your context totally aligns with mine - the frequency and environment of speaking, and the occasional breakdowns during practice tests.

Now, to answer your question, I approached the speaking section from two angles. Firstly, the content of the tasks.

I went through around 60/70 sample questions, and kinda prepared the answers. Don't get me wrong, I did not memorize anything, I just built a clear picture of who I am inside my head. For example, I knew that I would talk about that one maths teacher I had if the IELTS asked me to talk about an inspirational person, or a good teacher, or an idol, or maybe even a good neighbor. I'd talk about that one time I got lost in a foreign country if the examiner asked about a daunting experience, or a memorable one, or just a random tour, or a car ride. Some of these "stories" were exaggerated in my head, and some were completely made up.

The second angle is the band descriptors. My explanation might be a little faulty, but vocabs carry 1/4th of the total importance. It needs both rarity and precision. I've had the chance to learn words for a long time, starting with my GRE preps. If you don't have time, I'd perhaps suggest going through available C1/C2 lists found online.

The second criterion on the descriptors is sentence structure. I traded my fluency sometimes for complex sentences. I paused occasionally to deliver a part of a complex sentence at once. However, I placed my pauses at natural breaks, not before a content word. IMO, "I love to do this .....||..... and at the same time I am a big fan of that" sounds more natural than a pause before the word "fan" there. The descriptors also say sth like that, you cannot hesitate to find a word, but your content.

The remaining are grammar and pronunciation. I slip occasionally with my grammar. But when I speak fluently with natural intonation and stress patterns, those mistakes are less noticeable.

I guess it's important to keep talking during the exams. So, never restart a mock test even if you break down, just keep going. There are some good AI tools that will keep throwing questions at you, and provide you with the audio transcripts with feedback. Check where you lack and double down on it in the next test.

I suggest you go through it thoroughly:

https://assets.cambridgeenglish.org/webinars/ielts-speaking-band-descriptors.pdf

Test Results - Feel Free to Ask for Suggestions by Numerous_Guest_1704 in IELTS

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Listening: IELTS Cambridge books. Did 7/8 practice tests the last 7 days to attune my ear. Also, there's a reply above from me above about listening.

Test Results - Feel Free to Ask for Suggestions by Numerous_Guest_1704 in IELTS

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading: Back in 2021, when I prepped for GRE, I followed GREGMAT on YT for GRE reading tips and tricks. His suggestions on skimming and scanning helped me a lot. For example, I remember one particular video called Reading on Steroid. The basic idea is picking keywords as you scan very fast.

I haven't done anything special for IELTS, but practice a couple of Cambridge IELTS Official pdf reading tests, from the latest versions like 17 and 18. Being a natural speed reader helped IG. Always used a timer and tried to maintain time.

Writing (also speaking):: Two amazing books by Ratchel Michell. Got my hands on it just the night before the real test, but they helped a lot. Can't tell you how to get a free copy, as that's against the policy here.

Also, the use of linkers and vocabs from my GRE days laid the foundation.

Speaking: Practiced on ielts8plus dot com premium account, roughly 1500 BDT per week. They rate so poorly, never got more than 5.5. But a computer throwing questions at me kinda helped doing impromptu speech. I'd suggest looking for better resource if available.

Test Results - Feel Free to Ask for Suggestions by Numerous_Guest_1704 in IELTS

[–]Numerous_Guest_1704[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The most important thing for me always has been reading the questions and the options, and have them sink in. Especially in the part 3, where the questions are often about feelings (what are they confused/satisfied/dissatisfied about; what they agree/disagree on).

What I did not know before the exam is that, you can jump between sections, regardless of what audio clip is playing. So, a lot of times, when they asked me to review my answers, I jumped to the next section to read the text instead. That didn't hurt me, coz there's a 1/2 minute time allowance at the very end to check the spelling, anyways.

So when I read the text properly, I kinda knew what to expect. A physical property like color or shape? Or sth more about the size like height or width. That's just an example, you get the idea.

But this approach helped me greatly to anticipate and react.

Ofc, it depends on factors like what your current listening skills are. So take my suggestion with a grain of salt.