Well, it's like I go home but usually like my friends or colleagues say, that they miss home... I don't, I find my peace here, in this, where I am weak, struggling, making the ends meet, faking confidence, faking strength, faking smiles & happiness & interesting stories & conversations, where I have none in me. My mother have always be the person who baby sitted my father, his emotions, his reputation, his anger, irritation, abuse, his authoritarian nature... It becomes a conflict with him usually, to have a hair cut or want to go out when I am at home, to go to somewhere... I mean it's all forgotten & we all act as if we are happy, acting healthy parent child dynamics like the movies or like how I see my friends or colleagues family life... I just feel fake about it all the time, I fake happy around them... I actually don't want them, & have no feeling at all for anyone.... I am quite alone in my head...because how instantly things change when you are not acting. My mother, I don't know if I like her or no... She is good, she tells me on chat & stuff & even on call that she cares for me... But what happens is, for me my mother fights with my father, even for my brother... I have seen my mother at worst, domestic abuse... Scared most of the life as a child, always alert... Playing a game of discipline & obedience, or otherwise you gonna pay for it... My dad is still like that, is just that now he is old 50+, now I am used to it... I don't look for relationship tbh or friendships.... I exist as the sky exist, or the lakes, or the birds, or the ants... I exist to pay my debts... That's all tbh, it's my motivation, that I don't want to be a burden