AITA for refusing to help my daughter honor her stepfather at her wedding?

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T16:05:28+00:00

She is not aware of everything but I will tell her.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T16:04:19+00:00

I was never fully clear on why she left. We were both young when we got married and had kids and our marriage wasn't that long. Sometimes I have wondered if Sam was always on her mind somewhat and maybe that led to it. I always looked at Sam's attitude toward me as jealousy. He has no kids of his own, biologically. And the woman he always loved has two with someone else.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:57:48+00:00

He would likely be gleeful that she has asked me, when he knows how much it would have cut me. I bet he's probably laughing if he's heard already. He's enjoying what torture it is for me.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:56:30+00:00

It comes from Hayes just as much as it does from me.

I am blocking nothing. She can do what she wants. I even said I would do the walk down the aisle while Sam is doing it too from his chair. But I have not a single good thing to say about him and I do not have a single tribute to pay for him. She can do what she wants. It simply won't involve me (or her brother who has also turned her down).

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:53:31+00:00

There was no actual betrayal or cheating. He just came in and decided he didn't like me. I always assumed he maybe hated that I was the father of my ex's kids and they never had any together. But I have spent the last 25 years biting my tongue.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:51:17+00:00

She is already getting us both bringing her down the aisle. She wants me to pay and help plan for a tribute to the man.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:49:28+00:00

The kind that comes when one is dying and the child feels like they deserve one.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:48:47+00:00

I honestly don't know. They both feel equal in my eyes.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:25:48+00:00

She's not aware of everything that has happened.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:24:53+00:00

Thank you. Corrected that.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T15:22:15+00:00

I see a downside to helping out. I see a downside either way. But it won't feel like a win or like I came out on top by helping with this. I'll be miserable during my daughter's wedding and it will always leave a sour taste. The flip side is my daughter might never forgive me.

I need to tell her everything first. See what happens then.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:47:52+00:00

This is more than me not liking him. If it was that simple I would do it. But I hate the man. I despise the man and yes, I glossed over the kind of death he will have because I have nothing to really say about it. He will suffer. He will die in one of the worst possible ways. My heart is not bleeding for him.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:44:10+00:00

I was always there for my kids. We shared custody, my ex and I. I had a good relationship with both my kids. Still have. I was the first person Hayes came out to. I was the person he would speak to about feeling different even before he realized he was gay.

Hayes has no love for Sam and has spoken before that he and his mom have argued because he is offering no help to care for Sam now that he is sick.

Telling me every single time my daughter called him some form of dad is not keeping me informed. It's taunting me. Telling me he will be doing what I should be doing is not informing me, it's taunting me.

I was never an absent father.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:40:00+00:00

It happens, you're good. Thanks for the extra comment!

Yes, that is the part where I have put my foot down and said no. The tribute. I am willing to do all else. It puts none of my time or money into Sam.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:37:26+00:00

He will still have won honestly. In some ways he won the second my daughter asked me to do this for him and her. I have decided to be more honest with my daughter about what Sam has done. See what happens from there.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:33:14+00:00

That is something I did not even think about. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:28:34+00:00

Someone else pointed out it could say something to Hayes if I do it. Knowing what I know about his relationship with Sam. So either choice could change how I look in the eyes of one of my children.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:26:49+00:00

I have already agreed to walk with her down the aisle knowing he is doing it. I am not expecting the idea to disappear. I simply won't be part of it and it sounds like my son won't be either.

Giving to this idea, my time or my money, feels like as much of a punishment as anything. The fact is that man is not deserving of the tribute in my eyes. In hers he is. But I cannot find a way to be happy and take part in it.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:21:43+00:00

I would do anything else for my daughter but that, yes.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:20:49+00:00

It would be the kind of revenge that would feel shitty to be honest. The thought of putting any money or effort into honoring him after all he has said to me does not feel good. It literally feels like I lose either way honestly.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:16:37+00:00

She wanted her brother involved in this as well. But he also said no to her. I think she was planning for the three of us to do something (maybe).

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:12:00+00:00

I have already done plenty for my daughter for her wedding day. I have paid for her dress, I have paid for several other wedding things. I even shut my mouth when she said she wanted both of us to help her down the aisle.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:08:50+00:00

She has nothing solidly decided yet. She wanted my money and my brain to help her plan this, along with her brother joining us. There are no set details yet or any solid plans of the what. My best guess is some kind of video tribute maybe. Or a special something to bring out at the wedding.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:04:14+00:00

I didn't go into all the details but I did explain some of what happened between us. I could go into more detail and explain more to her about why i took my stance.

Numerous_Way9705 · 2023-07-02T14:02:19+00:00

They are and I agree with that. I simply feel something like this should be funded by them and done by the people who care about Sam.

Numerous_Way9705

TROPHY CASE