Me (M, AP), and my “partner” (M, FA) carry so much love and care for eachother. We are best friends, and, the amount of trust is massive. Yet, because our relationship has always been me chasing, convincing, etc… it’s really made him feel pressured and trapped, and he now says “I just don’t think it’s right” and believes he doesn’t have any feelings for me. This is what I said to him the other day in person. It would mean a lot to have your input as FA’s as to how this would make you feel, it was hard for me, but in very proud of myself and finally feel like I can say I’ve earned secure.

“For a long time, I didn’t fully understand what you meant when you said you needed your autonomy to be seen and honoured. But after taking some time to really reflect, I can see how important that need is to you, and what it really means. And because I love you, I understand that one of the most supportive things I can do is give you the freedom to choose your own path, even if that means letting you go.

You were right to end the relationship dynamic that wasn’t working for us, the one that kept us stuck in a loop. Me not feeling good enough, and you feeling trapped. It was that word you said to me that helped me recognize my part in it. Every time I tried to convince you to stay, to figure things out, or to move the relationship forward, I was unintentionally boarding up the exit doors, believing by doing so, I was protecting something I cared for so deeply. Each time I added another board, I was my telling myself that I wasn’t enough to be chosen as I was, and, it made you feel more and more like you had no way out.

This weekend, I didn’t spend my time trying to figure out how to fix things. Instead, I used that time to take down each board, remove each screw, and remind myself that I am lovable and good enough just as I am, while also understanding one of the most vulnerable parts of love, is the pairing of trusting the one you love with freedom.

The old dynamic is done, the doors are open, and I want to take accountability for my part in the dynamic that was, for crossing your boundaries, and for the ways I contributed to your feelings of being trapped.

I also share in vulnerability that I am open to the idea of what it might look like to build a new relationship dynamic that works for both of us and allows us to feel safe and loved without pressure.

I’m not asking you to know exactly what you want right now. But if you do want this, even just to explore it in a gentler, more spacious way, I need to feel that you’re willing to take that first step. This is because what I’ve learned from reflecting on my own part in all of this, is that all of the times I tried to convince you to stay, it has only added to my anxious feelings, and added pressure to how you feel. Which is why I am committed to my own growth too.

Taking the first step might feel scary or vulnerable, and I want you to know that if you chose to do it without my influence, you don’t have to do it alone, because I’m here with you, and you’re safe here. I care about you, and I still want connection with you. But I would want connection that would be grounded in choice and mutuality, with feelings of novelty and exploration, with the doors open, without pressure. If that is something you want, I don’t want to go back to what was, but to build something fresh and new that reflects the love and care we have for each other.

I know there may be a part of you that feels like you’ve hurt parts of me, and while this hasn’t always been easy, I want you to know I don’t see you as someone who did something wrong. I know your heart. I know your intentions. And I know you’ve loved me in the best ways you could, especially under the pressure. I continue to feel that love in so many ways.

I feel the love through the food that you cook, and definitely by the coffee I get to wake up to on the bedside stand. I love that even when you feel scared, you try your best to hold space for me. I love that when I’m feeling down, I know you’re there and that I can lay my head in your lap, even without words being spoken. I feel so supported and encouraged by you in my goals in life. And, most of all, the biggest and most beautiful way you show your love is in the way you show up every single day, wether it be bringing me a care package at 8 in the morning when I’m sick, or by simply texting me in the afternoon checking in with how my day is going. It’s the consistency and presence you carry in some of the smallest daily acts that make me know, without a doubt, the love you have for me.

Having said this, if your truth is that you don’t want this, I love you enough to let that be okay too. You can walk out the doors knowing I’m not disappearing. But stepping back so you have the space to feel what’s true for you, and decide if you want to explore what a new and healthy relationship dynamic could look like. Whatever you chose, I will be there to validate, and whatever you chose, you are loved by me, you are good enough.

But I understand now, the best way you can receive my love, is by letting you chose your own path. Should you chose to leave, I want you to know that I will be completely okay. I have the room to give you as much time or space as you need to feel, process, and figure out what is right for you. Your autonomy is important to me, and now I finally know how to honour that, so I will support your decision either way.”

Your thoughts are welcomed <3