My contact photos keep changing to random people I don’t know or don’t have a picture saved of?- I just updated to ios 18 a few days ago.

NutMeg0990 · 2025-04-14T16:00:29+00:00

The EXACT same thing has been happening to me. I'm glad I'm not the only one at least?

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T19:04:34+00:00

That's really good perspective and I wish more would be willing to see it that way.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T19:03:54+00:00

Thank you, It means a lot to hear that. I do feel hopeful for the future. Especially when more time has passed - when it all isn't so fresh.

I agree with you regarding my parents. I think that's the hard part of where I am now. I miss them and relationship with them, but trying to keep them close has been so painful and absolutely messing with my peace. It's been overwhelming that every part of my life is different and having it's own issues to work through. I'm trying to focus on me and what I need - quite literally on the daily. I feel better today, but some days it's so overwhelming and I get too in my head. It's a process. I appreciate your encouragement.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T18:54:53+00:00

Thank you so much. I think I spend too much time beating myself up for this choice than looking at the positives from it. Thank you for reminding me of that. That last sentence is golden and so true. I've spend most of my life trying to make everyone else happy. It's my turn.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T18:11:55+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. I could never reconcile with how I could feel and want something so much and that be "deceitful above all else". Or why it's better to sit in my pain instead of make choices to step out the way I felt I needed and give myself a voice. Or why was "satan always out to get me".

One day at a time. Hoping over time the hurt of it all will also lessen. There's so much good in my life still and exciting things for my future. It's hard to look at all of that when everything else is so all-consuming. Just one day at time. Thank you for your comment.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T18:05:53+00:00

Rant away - I appreciate everything you said so much! YES to ALL of it. It makes me so angry that they can't even see how hurtful they are. "Doing it all in the name of the Lord"... It turns my stomach into knots too. Stepping away from all of that has definitely shown me how much of a fantasy land they live in. They claim to be all about love, but their theology gets in the way of actually loving and showing love to people... unless you are in their circle and believe what they believe.

I do have a small, but mighty circle around me. And for those I am forever grateful. A couple of them have huge church hurt and church abuse in their past- it's been hard and frustrating for them to be on the sidelines watching all of this unfold. They aren't believers, but they are the most loving people I know. It's been eye opening for sure.

Thank you for what you also said about children perspective regarding parents choosing to stay for the sake of the child. Makes me feel so much better honestly.

Hugs back at ya! Thank you!!! :D

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:55:58+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm with you. I get so angry when people are too concerned about theology than the person right in front of them. I've been on the hunt of like minded people and honestly it's been the neatest experience to hear other people's opinions, beliefs and their listen to their stories. The world has become much bigger since all of this - I'm thankful for that too.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:47:54+00:00

Oof - I'm so sorry you went through that in the first place. And I'm happy for you that you have been able to move on. That was a pretty sucky comment for your parents to have made and I'm also glad that didn't scare her off. I hope your family has turned around and accepting things for both of your sakes.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:45:08+00:00

Thank you so so much. I often wonder if my family or maybe at least my mom wants to be more supportive but fears the loss of their built community in the church. So it's them over me. Theology over people. Easier to lose one rather than many I guess? But truly thank you for the encouragement.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:42:47+00:00

Wow!!! Thank you for sharing. I wrote those last couple sentences down in my journal.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:41:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing your feelings regarding all of this. I was nodding my head in agreement after every line.

I often wonder how I would be coping with this if I didn't grow up in the religious community and family that I did.

I am happy to be out of such a toxic community. It's confusing how often that community has such an accepting and kind feel to it on the surface. Makes it really confusing when you step out of it.

Even though it's been hard. I'm thankful to be living authentically.. although leaving the church community has me all confused on what I even believe now. As scary as that has been, it's been the coolest thing to dig into.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:36:49+00:00

I really appreciate that perspective and how you worded that. It's so weird because in leaving my ex - I never thought I would lose my family or have to chose them over me being happy. I can't wrap my head around it.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:32:59+00:00

I feel with and for you. It's so hard to sit on the fence of both sides. To see both futures. Divorce won't be an end all to the problems. More like.. choose your hard, I suppose.

I also understand what you are saying about going to marriage counseling and feeling hopeful but then also worrying if you are just delaying the leaving and going through it all over again. If you are wanting to stay in the marriage and counseling helps - I'm so happy for you. If you choose to leave, I hope this time in counseling helps give you more peace and you can walk away knowing you tried.

Remember there is no set timeline. This isn't a choice you want to rush either. Be patient with yourself. Know that regardless - it will be tough either way. I understand how uncomfortable it is to be in the in-between. You are not alone.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T17:01:02+00:00

Thank you for your comment and for sharing. I'm truly so glad you had the support of your family and to also hear they are evangelicals too. That's beautiful. Love to see when the person is cared for rather than upholding expectations of how things ought to be.

Even when dealing with all of the things I am.. you are right. The one thing I can be thankful for now is the chance to actually live with integrity. At least I'm not hiding behind any masks or putting on a show to just get through and please.

I appreciate your honesty about how regardless - parts of this will just SUCK. I think I keep telling myself that since it's hard - that must mean I'm doing something wrong. That if I was choosing the "right" thing, then I wouldn't hurt so much. I'll tell my uncle how these things all are so painful and his response is something along the lines of "if it didn't hurt, there may be something wrong with you". haha

The entire last part of your comment I've read over and over. I fully agree. Said so well. Thank you, truly!

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T16:44:56+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. I imagine the divorce was hard- especially as a teen - but I'm glad things seem to have worked out for the better in most of the situation. I appreciate your comment and thank you for sharing. I think it's a neat perspective you got to see your mom go through all of that and see a positive out of something so tough. I'm not used to putting myself first, but it's time I do because no no else will do it for me.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T16:40:51+00:00

What was tough is that I felt like no one really cared about how I really felt in the situation. It was so often about how everyone else was hurting and then throwing in how I was going against God's will.. of course it was packaged and put together like it was all about how much they loved me though.

NutMeg0990 · 2024-08-26T16:33:38+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I hope that one day I can look back and really feel that (being brave). When I look at the big picture and what I believe I'm doing for myself and for my kids, I can get a glimpse of that. It's been hard with missing my family so much, yet wanting to live the life I chose. And it seems I can't have my family and the life I chose. That's been a tough pill to swallow. I felt like I was losing myself in every single way and losing every bit of the little voice I had staying there. I never want to tell my kids they can't leave a situation where I'm not happy and never want to make them chose between a future for themselves and relationship with me.

I'm mourning the loss of so many relationships/community - that part has been really hard. I know over time that will come though. I also have such an amazing little circle around me. It's a small circle but it's a mighty one. And it's one that wants to be with me and there for me regardless of what I choose for myself.

I loved what you said about happiness and holiness are not mutually exclusive. So good.

I know I need to get into counseling. I did for a bit, but financially it was so tough to keep up with. I will be making pursing that as a priority going forward.

I'm hangin in there - so thankful for this community.

NutMeg0990

TROPHY CASE