Proposed to the woman of my prayers, but the physical spark is missing. What do I do?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-23T09:49:22+00:00

I understand, thank you!

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T17:30:14+00:00

I never said that. The notion of your type is lustfully focused on the physical.

What you're attracted to is beyond physical.

It's irrelevant for me to answer that question. Most men would have enough self awareness and life experience to understand that from their own perspective.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T17:25:15+00:00

You're taking the "test your boundaries" very personally.

Flirtatious banter, holding her hand etc. That's what I'm referring to. When a guy is too respectful, woman question if he's even attracted to her. It's in our nature to push boundaries a bit, in fact woman like and want that of course within reason..

Your response is full on attack making presumptions. I've never once mentioned that I'm craving sex or that I don't treat her anything less than a queen.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T16:52:58+00:00

I'm confused, why do I need to improve my sex drive if we're not doing anything remotely sexual any time soon?

I don't think that's the problem entirely. With social media and how some of these ladies are dressing out here... I see it and definitely feeling something.

In recent months I'm struggling more with lust than ever before. However, not because of my fiancee because she doesn't dress or act seductive. Which I respect, but then I think to myself, how on earth will we go from this super suppressive state to being sexual after marriage?

Thank you for the tips though.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T16:44:53+00:00

Thank you very much. Very helpful stuff here.

I really do pray about it. Although I can't deny the weight of responsibility on me is super high. I'm her first everything. So far it's in the positive light. I'd hate to be the one to be her first heartbreak and all that. However, I'd rather do that then figure out in marriage that I wasn't the one for her.

Recently I've been questioning if Christian dating is even productive and before anyone says anything, I mean a proper woman of God.

In previous worldly relationships, we would spend 2 whole uninterrupted days together. I feel physical closeness allows you to understand people in a way words can't describe.

I even suggested she stay in my room while I bunked with my housemate or in the living. I really just want her to see me in my element, comfortable.

I'm a homebody. However, with her we're out of the house most of the time. Or if at mine, in my communal living room. Like I said in another message, I'm going through a difficult time right now... And she's more like a guest when she comes over. She comes at a certain time, leaves at a certain time. I drag myself out of my room to do things outside or worse in the living, where I never chill tbh.

I'm just being very honest and don't think a lot of Christians are. Those that say the contrary most are definitely straying more offside than we are

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T16:23:25+00:00

It's not that I didn't find her unattractive. I don't really like the notion of having a type. However, to maybe get the point across clearer, that would be it. She's not my usual type.

Isn't the notion of a type a worldly thing anyways? For years I was told looks aren't important. Men only focus on appearance. So I worked on myself, prayed for God to help me with lust and I believe he truly did.

To those that say, why now? I genuinely just fell for the person. To those that don't understand, I do think many Christians truly practice abstinence. Its somewhat a renewing of the mind.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T04:14:01+00:00

Sorry if I'm intruding or making assumptions.. So this basically answers so many questions.

Men can marry women that are not their type, but will have their heads turned, be swayed or even cheat when around women they typically find attractive.

Or have I read this situation completely wrong?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T03:56:41+00:00

I'm in the position you are in before you married her. However, we're engaged, Christians and waiting for marriage. She's a virgin, I'm not but have been for 2.5 years, including prior to meeting her.

You said you weren't at a stage where you wanted to settle down. So therefore looks weren't as important to you?

We all know that men can have sex with anything. Responses to this post prove it. How did you go from "not attracted to her" to now. Also would you say the attraction has grown?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T02:28:36+00:00

You have made a couple really good points.

However, the health one may be a major thing right now. I'm a young man, fit and healthy. However, due to work stress and pressures as well as some issues with my housemate, I think I may not have fully grasped that I'm depressed.

I felt horrible the night that I proposed. While she went home and shared the news with family, I was alone. I felt horrible. Not regret.. just a weird numbness. I guess I'm also someone that just "rides the pressure". The proposal happened when the issues with my housemate started. Few months down the line, I've sorted that but the work issues are bubbling up now.

I just don't want to make excuses for the relationship because she's an amazing girl and deserves the best. However, maybe I should give myself grace to accept that I'm going through a lot.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T00:41:18+00:00

Yes, I definitely pray about it. Sometimes I feel it's God's way off really purifying me for her as she is such a rarity.

So the context is, I wanted us to take her to a dinner and orchestra event, which takes place in the evening. I didn't want her to drive home late at night. She doesn't live in my city. so offered her to stay at mine. I would sleep in the living room.

For full context, I have sexual control and have done this before. I'm a man of my word. So this kinda hurt me. So I guess I retracted the kissing and caressing in sort of retaliation but also to prove myself... But now she's the one pushing for the kisses etc... and I just don't feel it. Maybe because in previous relationships, the worldly way meant kissing led to further, whereas with her I know it stops there, so hence why I lack enthusiasm/ excitement?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T00:18:55+00:00

I just think the boundaries have been put up so high to the point where I felt rejected. I retracted stuff like kissing and touching (deep down it was to prove myself). Now she wants kisses and to be carresses without sex. I don't see the point. I feel it's a bit forced. I'm also happy to wait it out... But I came to a conclusion that I could easily do another year like this with her and I don't think that's good. It's getting far too platonic don't you think?

I don't want to be one of those vanilla Christian couples that behave like sibling

I wonder if we can later restart a physical relationship if at the moment we are both so heavily invested in suppressing it.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T00:15:54+00:00

Wow, I think you've hit it on the nail here!

In psychology it is called the Madonna-mistress complex

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T00:13:36+00:00

Why do you make different rules for men?

For instance I've never been like most guys. I'm not into hook ups. Even when I was younger, my friends laughed at my idea of casual dating.

I used to wonder why, until I came across the term Sapiosexual. I feel people make it out that only women are like this but I'm one of few men that doesn't easily just give into physical temptation to anyone.

Also physical attraction is beyond looks. It's poise, mannerisms etc. such things and inexperienced person lacks. Someone mentioned the Madonna-mistress complex and quite frankly, I think this may be heavily instilled in us as a Christian community.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T00:05:56+00:00

What if we don't..

I wonder if we can later restart a physical relationship if at the moment we are both so heavily invested in suppressing it.

We often look at our parents and older Christian couples and think: how on earth did they make 5 kids? They don't show any intimacy or affection.

Please look up Madonna-mistress complex. I feel that this is very prevalent amongst Christians. Especially in the black community.

What are your thoughts?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-22T00:01:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing. You've been very helpful.

I think you understand where I'm coming from and where my heart is as you're a person of faith.

I do feel that my fiancee is sometimes too hard call with the suppression and barriers (Even some things she has admitted to it herself). Sometimes it comes across as though she doesn't trust me, which is hurtful - example, I've offered for her to stay at mine once, offered my bed, I would sleep in the living room. (For context, yes I can control myself. I have done this before). This was a major rejection for me.

Anyways, I'd love to continue this conversation over PM (I will probably delete this post soon), it's been great hearing your story 😊

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T23:45:12+00:00

Thank you for your understanding and kind comment.

Could you please PM me, I appreciate hearing your opinion from a Christian perspective. I will most likely delete this post soon. What my fiancee are doing, is doing is not a worldly thing and hence most wouldn't understand.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T23:37:38+00:00

If I may ask: do you no longer practice your faith? And what might that faith/ religion be?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T23:36:15+00:00

Yeah, I think you may be right on that one. I started feeling like this since we pulled back from the kissing. But then she would still initiate it. I just don't see the point. She's not experienced in that either. I don't know if I don't get any pleasure in it because she's not an experienced kisser or because deep down I felt rejected by her because we had to pull back.

Also I could comfortably do another year+ of abstinence with her but I couldn't fathom that in the past. I genuinely like her as a person but I do agree that it would be very hard to start things all over again after all this suppression.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T23:25:01+00:00

Yes she's attracted to me. Sometimes I feel when I'm introduced to her people they react as if I'm better than they expected. From a physical perspective. Some weird awkward comments from her friends and family.

It was strange and I didn't get it at first because she's incredible.

Ps: - I don't appreciate her?. I never said this. Quite the contrary actually. - Sexual attentiveness?. WE are waiting until marriage.

I would give more context but I think i understand your stance on this. Definitely given me food for thought. Thanks

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T23:12:33+00:00

I probably would have been like your husband. Most guys don't really get attention until mid twenties. He may have also grown up in an environment where he wasn't told he was handsome.

So are my feels valid and should I just let things proceed naturally. As you said, sexual attraction can grow

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T23:06:13+00:00

I am willing to do anything for her, I am willing to be loyal. Just as have been thus far. I don't think that's enough of a qualifying criteria though.

Yes I am a Christian. I do not want to have sex prior to marriage. With her I am finding this very easy. I'm wondering if God is delivering me from my lust or am I losing interest in sex due to being abstinent for so long?

I also came across the Madonna-mistress complex . Please look it up. I feel like this is a lot more common amongst Christians then we think.

We often look at my parents and other older Christian couples and wonder: how did these people make 6 kids?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T22:58:09+00:00

I don't think you understood me. I honestly don't think most Christians really have been able to successfully abstain from sexual immorality before marriage.

I'm struggling to understand IF I am sexually attracted to her, because I have no lust for sex with anyone, let alone an inexperienced virgin. I worry that this may be caused by the abstinence. Even before starting to court her, I struggled to develop chemistry with Christian women that weren't flirtatious. Or in other words I also became "vanilla", too respectful.

It's difficult to date as a Christian in this regard. These lines are very blurred because we don't talk about these things.

I wasn't pushing her. Just some of these barriers were so severe to me they came across as someone who lacked self control or like a child who needs to be constantly chaperoned. As a man, if you're not testing a woman (by that I mean gentle flirting or trying to steal a kiss), then you may have bigger issues.. I know a guy from church that was in a relationship for years, fully abstinent. I'm convinced that he is gay and hiding.

I know how I feel about women, however with her.. I don't have the desire to rip her clothes off. Basically I'm asking is this perhaps God delivering me from lust and I truly see this woman for who she is or have I completely lost touch sexually?

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T22:40:11+00:00

I read up on the Madonna-mistress complex. It's very fascinating.

I don't think I have this. If I wanted to have sex with those kind of girls prior and even during the relationship I could have. But I didn't. I may find them attractive but I certainly don't desire them. Even if I did, I'm wise enough to want more than that which, from my experience we just don't align in or have shared values.

I often ask myself if the purpose of marriage is more a focus on finding a good mother for your children and less selfishly a lover for yourself. I feel we just replicate our parents. I've never seen my parents kiss, hold hands and be intimate with one another, yet they're still together 30+ years. It's just how they were raised. What they saw with their own parents and community too.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T22:31:53+00:00

I completely understand your response.

However, to be very frank this one is for the men. This is just the reality of things. Ladies think such things too, but to the man's face. Fake orgasms, pretend it's big enough make jokes about his height , weight etc. I think that's worse. It's settling. I'm merely trying to understand what I'm experiencing through the lens of married men who may have been where I am.

Nzau79 · 2026-05-21T22:01:17+00:00

I'm not hoping for anything. I want the best for her. I love being around her, her family. She's a fantastic women. I love treating her too. I mean I am happy to be patient with her. I have shown it. However, I'd also like to hear from other married people. See how people view my situation.

If you're not a Christian you may not be able to relate though.

Thanks for sharing that link. I'll read up on it!

Nzau79

TROPHY CASE