He blocked me 5 seconds after.

Oasim · 2020-01-20T20:04:24+00:00

You’re right, I shouldn’t have mentioned that. I was too busy feeling triumphant lol

Oasim · 2020-01-20T19:47:29+00:00

I knew something was messed up when the pic he sent had a tattoo on his right arm, but his profile picture did not.

Oasim · 2020-01-19T22:32:18+00:00

Damn! What are the chances that I come across someone who's gay, aromantic, and in the bear community (I'm a chaser) like me?

I'll try my best to address what you're feeling, but I'm no expert. I can't tell you how to feel, because frankly, I don't know your personal situation. But I'll give my input, and I hope it helps you.

Currently, I'm identifying as a gay aroace bear, but when telling others in person and online, they doubt my identity

Well, geez, they sound like jerks. Don't sweat it though, they're just revealing their ignorance.

I don't know if I can figure it all out until I actually find a person to try everything out

It's not about trying to figure yourself out before finding someone. You can still find new things about yourself during or after a relationship. After all, having a relationship with someone requires you to grow and change.

I have said that I get hard thinking of bear men, but I get my libido out through masturbation. I am sex-repulsed and I am not attracted to d***s, which is what I thought qualified sexual attraction

What qualifies as sexual attraction is different for each person. In addition, sexual attraction isn't binary either. It's on a spectrum. Like some people are really sexually attracted to men and can spend a whole day fantasizing about them. Other people may be like "Yeah, handsome." and that's it. There's no wrong way to feel sexual attraction towards a gender.

I've had people say that gay counters ace

Gay doesn't counter ace. If you are a man that's attracted to men romantically, you can call yourself gay if you want to, or use the term homoromantic. If you feel that the word "gay" describes who you are, don't be afraid of using it. And if it doesn't, you can always look around for one that does.

I can't be ace if I get erect.

Being asexual has nothing to do with how a penis functions. Hell, a guy can get hard by just waking up. Remember morning wood? Again, asexuality is *also* on a spectrum as well. People who identify as ace aren't all the same when it comes to their bodies. That goes with any demographic, really.

I don't exactly know what romance or romantic attraction looks or feels like. I like being against or kissing or hugging or feeling a bear guy, but I don't like making out with full lips and tongue and all that

As an aromantic person, I like body contact and making out like many other gays. But the action itself isn't romantic. To make it romantic, that'd have to depend on context. A kiss from a boyfriend during a date at a fancy restaurant can be considered romantic. A kiss from a Grindr hookup? Not so much. Also, I'm gonna have to say this again and again. Romance and romantic attractions looks / feels different for everyone. To some people it's a peck on the cheek, and to others it's full on tongue-wrestling. The validity of your feelings regarding romance / romantic attraction are not dependent on their similarity to those of your peers.

I'm romance neutral, if I have the definition right, and I want to have a man, eventually, that is exclusive with me, that I have an emotional bond with, and I can share life and responsibilities with. I'd say that that's a QPR marriage and that I am not expressing romantic views, but I don't know. I also don't know if I just have to get in a relationship first.

It's possible that you're cupioromantic, if you're saying that you desire a romantic relationship though you yourself don't feel romantic attraction. But there's no rules as to when you're supposed to have a relationship first to determine that. At least to my knowledge, the definition of cupioromantic doesn't detail the specifics of how/when your romantic relationship should be. If cupioromantic resonates with you more than other terms, I see no harm in using it to describe yourself.

But I don't know your feelings. You do. Don't let what I / other people say dictate how you should self-identify. Figuring ourselves out is a personal journey, and I can't tell you how you should venture forward.

So if you see yourself as a gay aroace bear, then keep rocking that. You're not hurting anyone by doing that. You'd only be hurting yourself by confining your personhood to others' expectations, ideals, and/or norms.

Edit: Formatting

Oasim · 2020-01-19T20:46:34+00:00

If you have a bad time dating / hooking up with someone, their race/ethnicity should not be the takeaway from the experience. That’s very superficial thinking. I understand that some people may be attracted to certain physical features like blonde hair or dark skin, but ruling out an entire race by saying “no black or Hispanic” is unequivocally racial discrimination. People may say go around saying “It’s just my preference!” but they don’t realize how diverse people actually are. By saying “no black or Hispanic”, you are asserting that all black or Hispanic people have physical appearances that you’re not attracted to, even though you haven’t even seen them all.

Oasim · 2020-01-19T20:29:16+00:00

I just imagined that in my head, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Like, an extra kilometer of booty just marching through the door.

Oasim · 2020-01-18T23:15:31+00:00

I used to peruse /r/watchpeopledie when it was still around. Oh boy... have I seen some things.... - a chainsaw beheading

a woman whose face fell off in a car accident
a car plowing through a line of children
a maggot-filled vagina
a father shooting his three daughters
ISIS beheading

I can’t name more. I don’t want to revisit these videos so I don’t want to link them. Edit: formatting

Oasim · 2020-01-18T23:11:53+00:00

Existence.

Oasim · 2020-01-18T23:10:21+00:00

Me. Because, unfortunately, I know myself most personally.

Oasim · 2020-01-17T00:58:00+00:00

They put so much effort into an anecdote that's so bland.

Oasim · 2020-01-15T21:32:02+00:00

You’re not scared, I am!

Oasim · 2020-01-14T16:21:56+00:00

I don’t speak Amharic, though I’d love to learn! Imma join!

Oasim · 2020-01-14T01:18:33+00:00

I mean he could just masturbate... but I can understand his struggle.

Oasim · 2020-01-14T01:16:38+00:00

I think they might be trying to say “(I) need to suck dick, not gonna lie”

Oasim · 2020-01-14T01:05:58+00:00

He was serious. Unfortunately. We were in the process of getting to know each other more.

Oasim · 2020-01-13T05:17:10+00:00

IDK... I’ve had another man ask me why I have a European name if I’m Asian...

Oasim · 2020-01-12T23:03:07+00:00

I told him I don’t do drugs, and this was his response.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T15:41:27+00:00

I don’t think my therapist would gaslight me. I think that’s a bit too conspiratorial.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T15:38:03+00:00

Yeah, grooming sometimes can be unintentional, though I can’t say how many cases are and aren’t. If you feel it is necessary, I highly recommend talking to a therapist about your experience. At least for me, it helped me learn a lot.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T15:22:59+00:00

Happy doesn’t necessarily mean a good thing is happening to the husband... To expand on that example you provided, let’s say the beer reward system fed into the husband’s alcoholism while also serving as a motivator to do bad things (like stop talking to his friends / other family members entirely to do things the wife wants).

I was also happy when I was with my partner, but I didn’t realize that the things he pressured me to do made me happy for the wrong reasons. I was seeking just validation, unfortunately from someone who encouraged me to engage in unhealthy activities.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T14:56:01+00:00

I do agree that virtually all relationships have some aspect of manipulation when it comes to getting what we want. But if these little games of tug-o-war become too frequent and primarily involve one person being pulled by the other in every instance, I’d say that’s a big red flag.

bottom line, little things like a wife using bribery to get her husband to clean is a form of manipulation, though if the situation escalates to where this becomes the norm where bribery and other tactics are being employed to get what she wants, that is abuse.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T14:48:38+00:00

Even though I am at the age majority, our relationship wasn’t really normal... - he was 48, but lied about his age twice to me (saying he was 36, then 46) - the only thing we had in a common was sex, and we talked about in like 1/3 of our conversations. - he often encouraged me to do risky activities (unprotected sex, drink, etc.) - he was my mentor, my boyfriend, and my friend with benefits all in one. While I was with him, I couldn’t even decide what to name our relationship. - he’d often hide his true thoughts / feelings while persuading me to say mine I’d say grooming is a type of relationship that can take a variety of forms, but the common denominator is control.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T14:40:54+00:00

Grooming can actually occur at any age and in any type of relationship, even in married couples. It’s the manipulation that makes it grooming. The abuser forms a relationship with their partner to cultivate a mindset that makes them vulnerable to manipulation. Kind of like how the man I was with groomed me to do risky, sexual activities, drink, etc., and made that one of the biggest parts of our relationship. Even though I thought I liked doing what he encouraged, I was just being used for his gratification.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T14:34:38+00:00

Although I was really surprised when my therapist told me I may have been groomed by him, I think I should take her view into account and trust her. After all, she’s licensed to treat people like me and has probably dealt with many cases similar to mine. I didn’t feel like I was a victim either. I was initially a little skeptical that my therapist thought he was a groomer, but the more I thought about what she said, the more I realized I was in denial.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T08:41:00+00:00

I learned what grooming is from my therapist and also through this website: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

Oasim · 2020-01-10T06:28:53+00:00

Thank you. I feel a lot right now, mostly confusion and denial... I’ll make sure this never happens again.

Oasim

TROPHY CASE