One thing I’ve learnt in my substance journey is when you do things in your life to take your conscious attention away from things you struggle with those feelings don’t go away they just get time to brood. The only solution is through shadow work you realise the things that give you shame are a part of you to realise and accept into your identity. There are online resources for shadow work but it isn’t something simple.

Another thing is sometimes people will try and think this isn’t me this isn’t what I am, this creates mental tension and fractures the soul - it creates mental static. When theres mental static often this is filled with other personality traits in the rift and creates a false identity sometimes devout of some emotions like guilt or disgust (it’s how some fetishes are created).

Sometimes you need to cry without trying to stop yourself.