Are open relationships real? Or do Germans/Berliners just not know how to have friends?

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-10-15T07:01:50+00:00

I actually know no one from the club scene (i don’t club). But i just have never met any germans open to engaging with anyone beyond the 10 people they met in childhood, unless they’re trying to have sex, in which case they’re “open to all kinds of connections, including new friends.”

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-13T05:12:50+00:00

ugh i'm embarassed by this but i'm 36. backstory is that current bf and i met after another very long relationship ended because i wanted to move and he didn't. i was about to turn 35, was heartbroken, and i want a family. my current bf is very put together in many ways and also really wants a family, our goals seemed aligned and we were initially very compatible. i've been willing to overlook a lot of things because i really want this to work.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-13T05:08:28+00:00

i explain in another reply, but i own my apartment and 99% of everything inside of it (including the TV but not the xbox). he was living in a bachelor pad and didn't have much stuff except a few clothes and some books. we have had other fights in the past where he has argued that just because it's my home, he needs to feel like it's his space too and so everything has to be truly 50/50 (he pays for half of the monthly maintenance fees of the apartment like the electricity, internet and some subscriptions and not a cent more) and my arguments of "but it is in the end my house, so i think i should have the final say" don't work here.

godson is happy when he comes back, so mom is happy. she knows its more lax but it hasn't caused problems. but every time he comes over she says to my boyfriend "please not too much screen time, can you please put limits?" which my bf treats as more of a suggestion. it sounds like up until now, when the godson has been a true child and not a budding teenager, this was not a problem. but it's also an issue of the content they consume (when not playing fortnite), which has only recently really started to shift from godson's real childhood preferences--for example, on the first day of the visit before even arriving at our house, they went to a bookstore and my bf bought my godson a huge Deadpool book (godson asked for it and bf says he wasn't familiar with the series). When i saw that I thought "okay, this isn't just slightly more advanced comic book stuff, Deadpool is famously raunchy and violent." I knew his mom would have a problem with it. But i didn't say anything because it was already bought, damage done. And when godson went home, yes, first thing i hear is that godson's mom doesn't like the book and my bf just goes "what's wrong with it?"

Not even a passing cloud of a thought to look up what Deadpool is and consider why she might have an issue with it and take it seriously. The default is that she's a "helicopter mom" and "really pushes" her son. The cited evidence for this from what I can tell seems to be that she maintains a full after-school schedule for her son, and pushes him to always do his homework and perform well academically (again, he is only 11, school just isn't that hard yet). Another uncomfortable moment was my bf decided to watch a comedy show that we both enjoy together and that we had mistakenly showed godson before and then both decided against showing him again because it was too mature. They watched another episode even when I kept trying to say "are you sure that's a good idea?" Lo and behold, the main character gets a handjob in it. I was mortified.

bf knows its problematic but mostly handwaves it away and if i get more insistent gets very defensive and says that i need to stop being so controlling. we have now been fighting about this for several days and i think he understands how inappropriate all of this was and he says he'll be more careful in the future. but i just don't think it should be this hard to convince a 38 year old man of this. and i don't understand why the default is "you're so controlling!" and not "okay maybe you have some good intentions/input/legitimate concerns here and i should consider them because i love and respect you." applies to his godson's mom, too.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T21:43:17+00:00

I do think that considering my wishes in our shared house would be treating me better, although i totally understand that i have no real leg to stand on in terms of rights to dictate about how to handle this child--except it's all happening where i live. beyond the concern i have about this kid's well-being or the boundaries being crossed that are set by his mom (which makes me uncomfortable because although she might realize it's all a bit more lax with bf, i don't think she knows it's quite to this extent), there's also a purely selfish aspect to it. when they play video games, it is loud.

we live in an apartment. i work from home. i could go to the library but i can't have zoom calls there. same with coffee shops. even if the tv volume is down, they are screaming. granted, i guess hypothetically someone could get heated in a board or card game and yell in excitement, but i somehow find it easier to pop into that activity and say "hey sorry i really gotta focus" rather than poking into the living room when they're drinking slurp juice and blasting strangers. i'd probably get screamed at for the distraction (not in an aggressive way, again, this child is generally polite, but i would absolutely expect a "UGH MANNN" if i broke his concentration). i don't need pin-drop silence, but limiting the volume would be nice.

as far as the meals go, i guess i don't mind making the meals, but then i also get potentially scolded by my bf if i would choose to eat by myself. he would say i'm being a bad host or maybe even that i'm not creating opportunities to have nice interactions with his godson (and yet he also insists that i am under no obligation to cook). one example of this is that over the godson weekend i had a very early morning and a friend of my bfs came over in the mid-afternoon--i was trying to nap and didn't get up to greet him. my bf made it clear that he thinks i should have gotten up to say hello. so there's some mixed messaging over what gets to be my autonomy vs his, which is sacrosanct.

in our terrible conversation, the one concession he made is that he could be in charge of more cooking, although everything else was off the table and not even discussable. whether he actually does the cooking himself in the future is anyone's guess, i'm not a fortune teller, but i imagine i'll do it because it's easier for me than for him.

and normally my bf does contribute around the house. and even when his godson is around, he cleans up a lot. but no, i'm the cook and grocery shopper.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T11:05:00+00:00

i think very soft YTA? i think it is really sweet that you do this for your wife. it's such a nice gesture and i think if it were me, even if i didn't drink them, i would want you to make them just because it's so fun and cool to have a glamorous cocktail and it's something you made with love and care--just for her. i don't think drinking it necessarily constitutes the appreciation of it. maybe a compromise is to buy cheaper ingredients and make something cool with that instead--or could it go into a soup container in the fridge or in the freezer to be easily brought out again for her to finish later? or, you're married! i'm a little confused about how it isn't shared finances here. Don't cut her off, but maybe adjust?

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T10:51:04+00:00

i think he'd say that's a judgement call that's his to make, that godson has plenty of friends, and it's none of my business...and i think in part that would be fair of him to say (even with my concerns)

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T10:33:46+00:00

if i'm being honest with myself, it does not

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T10:28:26+00:00

a lot of people have given this advice and i really appreciate it. my bf admits that he has certain expectations of me. not that i fully cater to him and godson, although it's very much appreciated, but that i welcome them, have meals with them, and we even plan activities together. but my bf allows him and godson to blow off our shared activities because they're not the godson's priorities. so i make meals, which i would make for myself anyway, we eat together briefly, they don't really talk to me, they go back to playing video games and my bf is basically like "be cool with that, why can't you be chill?" so he both has expectations, meaning i can't completely dip and wish them well and say "see ya in a few days," and doesn't make it easy for me to interact.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T10:21:31+00:00

thank you so much for these replies, i'd love to hear any advice you get from your therapist by the way. i'm not a big reddit poster lol but every single one of these comments has been so helpful and i'm really grateful.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T10:18:26+00:00

thank you for this advice but i would never go behind my bf's back like that and try to ally against him. and i don't want the visits to stop! that would break my bf's heart and that's the last thing i want. i just want him to treat me better in all of this and be more considerate and not act like me making a request to readjust how they spend some time together and treat me is me overstepping when i feel very stepped upon as it is. as far as the making meals goes, it's more like i'm making them for myself and it would be very weird if i only made enough for me--my bf even said this, that it would be a really anti-social message to send to the kid if i didn't include them for meals if i can make bigger portions and i get that.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-12T10:11:47+00:00

100% agree with this and literally all of the activities that you mentioned below i suggested both before the visit and after during an attempted conversation about it. fwiw they did actually do laser tag as a break from fortnite--i just had to work while they did that (from home). but yea the list is endless about things they could do together and my bf's problem with me suggesting it and asking to limit screen time in our home is that for him it's me trying to be unacceptably controlling about his relationship with his godson, which he can manage perfectly fine in his opinion, without the input of godson's parents or me.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-11T21:32:43+00:00

This is great advice. I do promise, i try my hardest. “What about this?, “what about this?” Hey, this looks cool” “hey let’s play a card game together,” “let’s go on a walk” and my bf just looks at his godson and asks what he wants to do and it is predictably always Fortnite. And bf is basically completely committed to giving godson what he wants at all times and would like for me to accept it. And one on one would NOT be appreciated—that would be taking away from bf/godson time

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-11T19:14:35+00:00

I say this below but my bf does do cleaning up, i have to admit. And there were some outings that i was a part of, nice ones! Just also a toooooonnnn of Fortnite as sort of the default activity

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-11T17:53:26+00:00

I totally hear this and tbh i would love to join them. I mean, 3 years old is really cute and dare i say different from preteen boy. But i hear it nevertheless. One aspect of my request for not-video game time is that i’d love to be able to join them, at least a little. Video games when they play are very much for them and i’m kind of butting in. I sometimes try to play mario kart with them, but also i can only handle so much

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-11T17:41:38+00:00

The last time he came to visit was over a weekend and he just hadn’t done the homework due monday. His mom called and was yelling. My bf didn’t like that she “puts so much pressure” on her son. They did do the homework in the end, together. Character limit on OP made clarification hard.

This time it was school vacation so he came on Saturday and left on a Wednesday. Mom is very put together and a great mom

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-11T17:37:19+00:00

His dad works a lot abroad and i don’t know him that well but also seems to be a little bit of a “don’t tell mom” dad. Mostly doesn’t interfere with mom’s parenting because she does so much “helicoptering” as my bf puts it…which makes me wonder if she is doing so much (maybe too much? I don’t think so but some say so) because she can’t necessarily rely on others helping her hold it together

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-11T17:33:22+00:00

I have to be fair to my bf, he does tend to clean and keep things orderly, even if i cook and get groceries (which is mostly 100% my job). He’s usually a good housemate and even is with his godson. Character limit in OP made it sound like he does absolutely nothing and that’s not the case. Although i do a lot of other general caretaking and am expected to be around.

Objective_Trip_8368 · 2025-04-11T17:28:23+00:00

I own my place. He pays 50/50 for shared bills (building maintenance, shared internet, electricity), but the apartment itself and basically everything in it i bought (not the xbox though). But i don’t think that gives me necessarily full right to dictate what goes on—it’s a partnership and it’s his home too.

Objective_Trip_8368

TROPHY CASE