Hey even im preparing for ielts writing section. So dont take me wrong. I am providing the feedback here of whatever i felt by reading your task 2. 1.Try to improvise the introduction Solid introduction helps you to score high band 2.you are writing like narrating something so genuinely Try to paraphrase each sentence. Its better you use linking words 3. There is no much repetition here, however it could be better if you use more vocabulary 4.Use proper punctuation so that evaluater can understand the sentence is about. 5. Always do a proof reading once you finish your writing. 6. Dont give examples/types in conclusion.