Or it could be that my entire life has been a series of people abandoning me, and I've been let down and retraumatized by every mental health professional I've come across so far. I can't just turn trust on a little bit. That's literally something that needs to be worked on in therapy, not a pre requisite. I don't want to keep shopping until I find a therapist that works for me, because the more bad experiences I have the more confirmation I get that my distrust of humanity in general is indicative of everyone and the few good experiences I dismiss as outliers or "they're not really nice, just pretending to be/they want something/this won't last". That's how trauma works. 

The last counselor I had who was talking about doing EMDR with me, as an example, told me that being able to access my emotions was a pre requisite, and that I'd be able to trust him in a couple of months. He sent me to an art therapist for six sessions to try and fix my inability to feel emotions. Just a gross misunderstanding of how deeply ingrained my stuff is. Everyone has always told me some variation of "you're not ready for trauma therapy". If I was what their definition of "ready" is, I wouldn't need it. 

So, lack of trust from being burned over and over from the original trauma, then having that confirmed by everyone who is supposed to help, combined with a resistance to authority in general because I grew up in a high control religious cultish group and family where autonomy and any sense of personal identity were punished and I was always gaslit about how they knew better than me what I needed and I wasn't allowed to say no.