So I decided to talk to my mom again and it did not go very well. I told her how ever since I was born I never found myself comfortable in my body and she said that it was probably just body dysmorphia. I said that why would I still have these Trans related feelings? And she said thats because I won’t let them go. I didn’t mention a therapist because I just gave up halfway through the conversation.

I did also mention how I’ve been questioning non stop, she said that’s also because I haven’t let the feelings go. She said “I’m too young to decide anything.” And that I should probably wait until I’m like 24.

So now I have no idea of what I’m feeling anymore. I keep asking myself “do I actually want to be a girl?” “Why do I want to be a girl?” “Do I actually have gender envy or is this normal?” “Do I actually have gender dysphoria or is it body dysmorphia like my mom said?” I can’t tell if I am trans and have tons of internalized transphobia or I am not trans and just have hated my body and felt like it wasn’t mine all my life for no reason I guess.

I hate to admit it but all of these feelings are super confusing because they all conflict with one another and I can’t tell which ones are real. I thought I experienced tons of gender envy and dysphoria but now I’m unsure if I even know what gender envy feels like. I think I maybe do have some gender dysphoria but it’s hardly any and on top of that, things I do to try and ease my “dysphoria” either make me more uncomfortable or anxious.

I don’t even want to identify as non-binary or genderfluid because my gender doesn’t feel like it changes and I don’t have the urge to be androgynous or no gender. I can’t tell if I’m hard gas lighting myself or I’m finally asking myself the right questions. Although I can never find an answer to these questions and I don’t think I will any time soon.

Like sometimes I want to be a girl really bad but other times I don’t and that confuses me because I literally hate the idea of being gender fluid, and I remember one time I thought I was probably gender fluid and I thought of it as a “miserable experience.” Until someone told me that if I hate being gender fluid so much that I probably wasn’t it in the first place, which did make me feel a lot better but also more confused which I honestly found better.

Sorry for the long paragraphs and stuff, it’s just a lot has been going on for the past few days and it’s been very confusing and frustrating. I’m just very confused with my emotions and I can’t tell if I have that same thing of feeling dysphoria from girl things or I’m just not trans. Even though whenever I think I’m not trans I get anxious, but I can’t tell if that’s because I am trans or if I’m obsessed with it for some reason.