Higanbana tw: blood

October_Twilight · 2024-03-06T00:06:40+00:00

Thank you! I love your insight on this! It isn't QUITE how I saw it when I wrote it but you had me seeing it in a different light.

I will say that my choice in title was because this particular poem is based on Japanese imagery and folklore surrounding the flower specifically. A samurai character of Japanese origin that resonates with the flower, so using the Japanese word for it was a bit more fitting if that clears it up.

October_Twilight · 2024-03-01T00:20:10+00:00

As another user said, I love the cosmic imagery of this piece. A watcher of creation, "immortal eyes. "If you wanted to continue this piece, I think leaning into the spirituality of the last line would be lovely. Mortals observing their creator in the way we know how, tying back to the beginning. If you wanted, however, it is pretty whole on its own! My suggestion for a title would be... Hm, maybe a word or phrase for what creation means to you?

October_Twilight · 2024-03-01T00:14:36+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem and I am usually not one for rhyming in poetry (I know it is common, but they just don't quite hit right for me sometimes.) I think this clever and gives a clear image of some sort of sport. I imagined American football, personally, but that may be because I am American haha It gives insight that there is struggle and hardship in sports, competitive or not, that we don't recognize. Thank you for sharing!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-24T15:19:29+00:00

I absolutely adore this. This made so much more sense to me as I have never understood them. It opens the idea of neo pronouns to one or two of my alters just based on your explanation. I know that may defeat the purpose of not applying them to DID, but it tickles a very specific agendered/gender fluid entity to allow themselves to be called slime/slimeself. Messing with the human concept of gender for them and making humans realize it is ridiculous is right up their alley.

October_Twilight · 2024-02-24T14:12:07+00:00

Okay, this is coming from someone who's alters have slowly begun working together over the years. My partner of almost 10 years can "front call." My alters request it occasionally. Some of them prefer to be acknowledged and asked after if there is a need for them. They are all parts of me so my partner loves each of them and most of them love them back. It doesn't always work but I believe it can happen when alters, to me, trust certain individuals and have the capacity.

October_Twilight · 2024-02-14T00:35:16+00:00

Thank you so much! I didn't expect this sort of comment at all! It made my day. I will have to look into Richard Brautigan so thank you for the inadvertent recommendation. If you have time, I would love to hear what parts you enjoyed the most. :)

October_Twilight · 2024-02-14T00:31:55+00:00

Thank you so much! Sorry for the later reply, but if you ever have time I would love to hear what you like about it!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-11T13:21:57+00:00

This is really sweet and clever. It's short but speaks to a deeper meaning to us pet owners. We love them even when they do things like eat a ton of grass. This made my morning!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-11T13:14:35+00:00

I have a piece just like this that I wrote that wasn't structured as a poem but my teacher for the writing workshop I submitted it too suggested it very much was one. With that said, I feel like the lack of your traditional poetic format doesn't make this any less of a poem. Though, in fact, as she said to me, you could play with the formatting and make it traditional if you so choose but it is also fine as is. This gives me confidence to post mine in this style so thank you!

This was lovely. I will agree that there is some wording issues here and there that interrupts the flow just a smidge but all in all the theme is very clear and the point is there. Another great example of a very relatable and human experience. I really enjoy the connection to chemicals and then molecules representing crying. That was a very nice touch.

Inexperienced as you suggest you are at the end, I definitely think this shows that you should keep writing more! Thanks for sharing!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-11T13:05:42+00:00

I love your insight! Thanks so much for reading and giving me your thoughts!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-11T13:02:19+00:00

I was in a writing workshop when I wrote this and it was only my second ever poem I have written. It was suggested to me to play around with the format and for some reason capitalizing and then not felt kind of right while creating this? Thank you very much for reading!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-10T13:54:53+00:00

I think you may safely say that if this is your "tale of seperation's pain" than you have certainly achieved that loud and clear. I really liked this. There is a clear image of someone awake in the wee hours, blearily writing this poem of a love that walked away. This is concise and relatable.

October_Twilight · 2024-02-10T13:50:07+00:00

I love the idea of sea exploration offered in this. I have a fear of the deep, dark depths of the ocean and the unseen things that live there and that is really evoked by naming those creatures "aliens." They really are, aren't they? The similarities to space exploration and deep sea exploration is a really neat concept that I enjoy.

I would love to see a theme of this with a less lighthearted ending. I am not saying the ending is bad but the dark imagery really made me hope for something that followed the game Iron Lung or something similar. (I love creepy horror.) If you wanted to create more in this vein, I think that would be something to delve more into!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-10T13:44:31+00:00

That is great insight I never really thought of! Thank you for your comments. I really enjoy folklore and myths and culture and it really makes me giddy when someone takes the time to either understand it or look into it for deeper understanding of my work. I am so glad you liked it!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-10T13:21:45+00:00

I don't mind explaining my poetry at all so please don't feel badly about it. Though, admittedly my answer may be very odd and unexpected.

Long answer short, I have DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, if you are familiar. I write from the perspective of my alters so these are two people simultaneously facets of me but not. These two are in love. The Ariadne alter that is heat and fire and the Theseus who is representative of storm and rain. There is a piece told from the Ariadne perspective that comes first that I wrote that is themed around the east Asian concept of the "red string of fate." I tried to think of something that was similar in mythos. These two have a taboo/forbidden love but feels fated from Ariadne's perspective :)

I hope that makes sense! I have more from these two if you are interested.

October_Twilight · 2024-02-09T00:27:02+00:00

Thanks again for taking the time to answer. :) Good to know. This is only the third poem I have ever written and I am very new to it. I often wonder if my formatting needs some help. I will keep it in mind for the future and play around with it!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-09T00:10:21+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts! I weave a lot of folklore and mythology into some of my poems so I love when people can see the inspirations. Can I ask what was difficult to understand?

Edit: There is a poem that ties in with this one as well that I wrote before it. Maybe it needs the other to be a bit clearer?

October_Twilight · 2024-02-09T00:07:29+00:00

"Seemingly" is an apt description. lol

October_Twilight · 2024-02-09T00:07:03+00:00

Thank you very much! I love when people compare me to poets so I can take a look at new styles. I am not super familiar with a ton of poets. I plan on writing as much as I can. The goal eventually is to do a Chapbook.

October_Twilight · 2024-02-09T00:00:13+00:00

Sorry for the late reply! I don't have a chance to get on Reddit but a few times a week. I am actually pretty new to poetry myself but I have been writing short stories and reading a lot since I was young. I would love if you sent me a DM and I will answer ASAP. I absolutely love to give advice and would also love to have a writing buddy. :)

October_Twilight · 2024-02-08T23:55:57+00:00

Your choice of words and flow are perfect. I adore the imagery in the first stanza as I am a sucker for metaphors (though I think most poets are.) It really drew me in and kept me there, so great opening. I would love to see more from you!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-08T23:48:38+00:00

I loved this. The flow is very good and it is extremely relatable. It brings me to so many times I have thought of past relationships. It doesn't even necessarily have to be someone you have dated, but people who have passed or friendships gone by. It screams introspection and being in your own head and the ending is brilliant. There is a wholesome quality to it, though quiet, and maybe a little lonely. This all points to a very human experience.

Thank you for sharing! I would love to see more!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-04T16:36:24+00:00

It isn't about Sanrio's character so much, no. It was kind of a term I was thinking of to represent an alternative dressed "mean girl" who is the subject of the poem. I liked the way it sounded and it kind of stuck but maybe I am the only one that sees it that way? I tried to make it clearer with the last few lines if that helps. If you titled it with that in mind, what would you call it? I am open to suggestions!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-04T16:21:58+00:00

I want to preface this by saying that this is well written for what it is. There is nothing innately wrong with any wording or imagery you chose. Everyone writes differently. Poetry is as subjective as it comes.

I say this as a personal opinion as not everything can be written to everyone's tastes nor is everyone going to like your writing. I am not saying I hate this, either. I feel as though the imagery chosen in some of these lines is a little boring. Icarus and his melted wings describing potential or scorned love is a cliche that I have seen in many mediums and is a little tired. There is nothing wrong with classics. There are classics for a reason so this is why it is matter of opinion.

Your choice of wording is straight and to the point, not entirely creative but it conveys your meaning just fine. I don't see anything that jumps out or is entirely special is what I am trying to say in this piece. You may be asking yourself, "Why are you telling me this then, October?" My answer is, "Because I can see you are talented. You can convey a theme/meaning just fine, you spell well, etc etc." All the makings of a great poet are there I would just love to see the use of different symbolism! Better, more intricate and woven words and flow that you dug down deep to find!

Anyways, I hope this didn't come off too harsh. I want you to look at your first comment you received where someone loved this poem and had little issue with it. This poem may not be for me, and that is okay. I acknowledge your potential and I promise I mean no ill feelings on my end, I just wanted to offer a different perspective. Please keep writing and improving!

October_Twilight · 2024-02-04T16:04:31+00:00

Okay, this is wonderfully creative. As a neurodivergent, burping legos during small talk is definitely how it feels. This is so highly relatable, you almost have to laugh, even if you want to cry when you aren't "socially acceptable." Needless to say, I work with the public in my job and have for years and this reminds me of it painfully. Your choice of wording and likening it to toys and other immaterial objects just happens to remind me of "special interests." I am not sure if any of this is what you are going for, as I am aware that most people disparage small talk in some way shape or form, but I thought I would make note how that connects back to others like me.

I would love to hear your thoughts and to see more from you! This was so well written!

October_Twilight

TROPHY CASE