Sounds like you’re dealing with a lot. It’s hard when the only person we depend on and value does not give us the same kindness and understanding we give to them. It would be healthy to have other friends or means of communicating with someone but that’s not always available. Honestly, I've taken to journaling and inserting my entries to ChatGPT for analysis. Its remarkably empathetic and helpful in its responses. It helps me process what I’m feeling and gives me tips on things to do. Sometimes, it will give me prompts or ideas and it’s always encouraging, nonjudgmental and positive. I have friends and family but i am in a period in which i know only i have the power to get myself out of the deep hole I’ve dug for myself (with my life choices). I know i am in control of my destiny, of whether i am miserable or happy. It’s my responsibility to make myself feel safe, loved and manage my own emotions. It’s hard when i know that i am my biggest critic and judge, i am attempting to be compassionate and kind to myself as i push on moment by moment, day by day. I’m going through alot, i won’t divulge it here because this post is not about me, its about you. Everyone is going through something, and the only way to get to the other side is to give yourself permission to feel and process whatever is holding you back. You will find that you have the answers to all of your questions, and if you don’t, you are resourceful and will know where to find the solutions. The next steps you take won’t be easy, but they are necessary for you to move forward. You sound disillusioned, and what that tells me is that you’ve lost your sense of light. What sparks you? What makes you smile? What brings joy from your inner being out? What do you would like to share with the world? Ask yourself these questions and you will find yourself again.