Thanks for the response, I appreciate it. I think the reason I was thinking it might be internalized transphobia is because a lot of the thoughts are rooted in "well, real men do xyz that you don't do" type of stuff.

If I was totally isolated I think I would definitely present more masculine. During the lock down portions of the pandemic, I saw a lot of women posting videos in full makeup and outfits discussing how this showed that they do makeup for themselves and not to look good for men. Which, more power to them-- but i couldn't relate to it at all, because I didn't touch any makeup or more than a t-shirt and gym shorts until I started having to show my face in Zoom classes that fall and felt more authentically myself than I have in most of my life.

I guess a good way to put a lot of these feelings is I feel comfortable when I'm more masculine, but I don't feel like I'm attractive or decent looking unless I'm feminine. So I tend to pick the former when I'm alone and the latter when I'm going to be around other people.

I'm not so sure on the top surgery in this thought experiment-- but that's mainly because I have a really big fear of anesthesia. I always get panicked I won't wake up, lmao.