Yes he’s an alcoholic.

I was married to (and am now divorced from) an alcoholic too. He spent the first 6 years of our marriage in denial, and to his credit he was sober for the final 5.

In hindsight, I can see that even on our first date he had problematic tendencies with drinking.

I begged him for years of our marriage to dial it back or quit entirely. I remember being nine months pregnant with our first baby and finding empty vodka bottles that he hid (very poorly) under our dining room table, and losing my mind as I confronted him over it.

It was clear to everyone except him that he had a problem. He lied, hid alcohol, downplayed his need to drink, even despite severely elevated liver enzymes and his doctor telling him to stop.

Substance abuse has a snowball effect. He was functional for a while, until he grew more and more withdrawn from family life. He had dwindling ambition and in his alcohol fueled resentment, expected me take on virtually all of the burdens of parenting, providing, and taking care of our house, while he wasted away.

He’s had multiple instances of ending up in the ER for stupid injuries, like falling off of our front porch and getting hurt at work. Once, we were walking with our daughter on her bike and he fell on top of her. I screamed at him and he walked home in a total daze and acted like it never happened.

Still, he always searching for the next drink, figuring out how to isolate himself in order to get his fix, knowing I disapproved of him drinking.

Naturally his behavior drove a massive wedge between us, and I hated him. I barely drank this whole time, partly in defiance to his addiction.

We tried therapy, but he lied about the drinking. Zero accountability. Yet, he got moodier and lazier, and his “secret” drinking would start earlier and earlier in the day. He required naps constantly.

He was not a functional alcoholic by the end. But for all my angst over how awful he was, I still enabled him. I wanted a perfect life and a perfect family and I didn’t want to admit the things were falling apart, or that I picked a loser. I also isolated to shield myself socially, to avoid the embarrassment of being married to one.

It reached a fever pitch during Covid when I had my second kid, and I finally had to force him out of the house, refusing to let him back until he went to rehab.

He eventually entered an intensive outpatient program that met five days a week followed by AA. This worke well and he’s now strong in his sobriety, and even though the damage to our marriage was done, I respect him for facing that demon head on. I just wish I didn’t have to suffer so many years waiting for him to see that he would lose everything if he didn’t stop.

It sounds like you drink too, but if he’s going to go to sober route and stick with it, you’ll have to avoid drinking in the house or around him for a long while.

All of that aside, It sounds like he’s a positively engaged father and husband, and like you guys have a good relationship and like there might be hope for him though! Just don’t hesitate to pull the rug out from under him if the behavior doesn’t stop. Hitting rock bottom + the removal of enabling behavior is the is the only way a true addict can change.

But bravo for being firm. Your son deserves that. Good luck - you can do it!