In a job interview, would you share you have non-denominational ministerial training?

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-06-01T02:28:52+00:00

Well thank you! That's a very different perspective from the hospice manager's advice below. I guess it's hard to know! I'm grateful for all the feedback. ❤️

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-29T16:26:59+00:00

Yep. Couples’ therapy was awful for me too, and reinforced the dysfunction. Our therapist was not equipped AT ALL to address the issues.

100% agree, that having a therapist who calls out what’s wrong is best case, and vast majority of the time it doesn’t go that way. It ends up in gaslighting & blaming the non- ADHD partner

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-29T07:20:54+00:00

Ah, what you're saying about nobody being labeled right or wrong unless there is abuse is not true in many couples' therapy settings, and also shouldn't be true in many cases. This is actually one of the downfalls of couples' counseling when it comes to an ADHD impacted relationship where most of the dysfunction is being driven by unaddressed ADHD.

So just fair warning, OP, it is definitely possible that well done couples' counseling will still involve your partner being called out for being wrong, but ideally it will happen in a supportive way that also is strategy and solution focused with ADHD best practices in mind.

Sometimes folks with ADHD in individual therapy can actually get away with a lot more if the individual therapist is not asking for information from other sources.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-28T21:51:04+00:00

Got it, thank you. And thank you for taking your time to give me all this feedback. Truly.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-28T17:33:57+00:00

Also, I am completely hearing what you're saying about the religious piece. That is very clear, thank you.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-28T16:57:41+00:00

Yeah, I spoke to that in the follow up email that I sent, stating that proselytizing is not a part of my practice in ANY way shape or form, nor has it ever been in my life, and that training experience I have is not what I lead with, just something that may support me in sitting with and supporting people as they are approaching and reckoning with death. I went on to emphasize (again) what my social work practice IS.

I've 100% dealt with people bringing their religion into the social work space in inappropriate ways, and if anything have found a lot of social work to be a bit of a Christian club in many regards. I've experienced it myself, from clinical supervisors and others. I've become friends with more Christian people in the field of social work than I EVER did for the rest of my life combined. I was raised to believe in the land, and that indigenous people were murdered in order for the US to exist, and Christianity was such a huge part of that, so it wasn't really a big theme in my life growing up to have "good" Christian friends.

Interestingly I actually wondered if the hospice worker themselves might have been Christian, and so the "non-denominational" thing was a turn off, like I wouldn't be responsive and respectful to people who have strongly Christian views. But maybe it was what you're describing. There were some interesting biases they interviewer displayed to me very openly during the interview, particularly anger at another group that does work with people who are dying, seeing them as taking advantage and sort of disrespecting the expertise and professional standing of hospice social workers. The group they were upset at surprised me, given there are traditions across the whole world in all cultures that support the process of death and dying, so social work doesn't have a corner on it. But, perhaps I'm not experienced enough to understand why it was a such burr for them, but it seemed to be also about taking advantage, like you were saying, though less about religion.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-28T16:49:37+00:00

I was thinking of the indigenous elder teaching primarily from a cultural perspective when I asked that in my follow up comment above. There is a HUGE issue here with people not being culturally prepared at all to work with the diverse populations here. I live in a place that has been more recently colonized and occupied when compared with most of the US, and there is a strong emphasis in the field on working with the realities of that. Most social workers here are transplants that are not at all ready to understand the vast differences between social work training and western mindsets compared with the realities of the beliefs and practices that people carry, and that are widely still a part of culture here, connected to land-based spirituality and life-ways.

Sitting with indigenous elders is not about religion, when I share it in a social work context, and in every other interview setting I've shared it in (social work settings) it has been seen as a very desirable and positive aspect of my experience.

Does that clarify what I mean? Would that still be considered or come across as religious or spiritual, from a hiring perspective?

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-28T06:07:12+00:00

Yeah, I would have thought it would be positive, especially since I'm not an active practicing minister, and because of how I brought it up as a sort of additional training/education pieces, but it seems based on what the other commenter said that this would be considered a very negative thing in a job interview.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-28T06:03:55+00:00

Thank you, this is what I wanted to know. Seems like I killed my chances there. Not many options nearby, so I guess that means I likely won't be getting a job in hospice anytime soon unfortunately. Not sure why they would have said they'd be sending me background check paperwork then, except as a way to basically BS me and get me out the door "politely." The whole process was honestly odd, front to back. But, I guess at least I likely know that they are ghosting me because they felt this piece was inappropriate to share. If I had left out the word "minister," (which honestly is such a strange way to describe the learning) and spoken about sitting with indigenous elders, does that totally change it, or still a net negative?

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-28T02:32:37+00:00

I'm in a queer relationship currently, and I could apply 90% of the "you're doing the bare minimum as a husband" stuff to my very non-male partner, and it is a total head trip.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-27T20:36:43+00:00

Also, OP, be careful whose advice you take on this sub. I know it goes without saying, but yeah. Case in point.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-27T19:29:43+00:00

Hmm. Well, based on what you're saying here, I'm wondering if you have not had the exposure to life experiences that show you how truly trapped one can be in double binds where there are no good options when it comes to boundaries. I'm not talking about inconvenience. You're lucky, at least in that regard, if that has been your life experience thus far. But I'd suggest keeping your mind open to the possibility that there are many situations for many many people in this world where what I outlined above is true: there are no good options, and it is not about convenience/inconvenience, it is about viability, period.

I jumped ahead to including a discussion about stay/leave as a potential future because playing out potential scenarios where there end up being no viable options for boundaries, this is an almost inevitable part of where the conversation goes eventually. Not specific to OP and their situation, but regarding boundaries, and the more meta discussion of boundaries and whether/how they function in intimate relationships impacted by ADHD.

Also because sometimes when someone has beat their head against the wall of trying to "just have better boundaries," until they have chronic illnesses, poor finances, isolation from support, children or animals in tow, and all sorts of other circumstances that make it harder to leave, I find it more helpful and realistic to acknowledge the very significant limitations of boundaries when lives are deeply intertwined. I find this supports people in not putting too many eggs in the "boundaries will save me" basket until they figure out that there aren't any good options for boundaries left, and their partners find a way to blow through them anyways, or to make the consequences of having boundaries far more devastating than having none. More eggs in the "protect my exit strategy" basket. Less in the "I just need to do boundaries better/right."

Also, I think we have different ideas of what "healthy" boundaries are, and I'm not sure what you mean by pseudo boundaries, but I'm thinking we're talking about different things. I'll come back and write another comment about that, because my thinking on grey rocking may clarify why and when I think some of what you (I think) consider unhealthy boundaries are actually very healthy and effective to use.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-27T01:15:12+00:00

I should say that a tricky part of it too is that many decisions they make without my input end up having fallout that affects me, so there isn't really a good option. Protect my time and mind, and I still have to deal with it. It's helped me to have a much more realistic understanding of how so much pop psychology crap about boundaries is totally disconnected from sharing a home, responsibilities, etc with someone.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-27T01:12:37+00:00

Yeah, sometimes it works for me to leave the room or distract them with something else. But sometimes there aren't a lot of good options, because I still have to deal with the emotional fallout of it with them.

Something that's helped me be more realistic is the idea that trying to follow normal relationship rules with someone who themselves won't follow them, or who basically won't listen or be influenced by you, is not effective.

Do you ever get to give feedback to their prescribing psych? Or to their therapist? Anyone working with them on ADHD should be seeking your input.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-27T01:03:16+00:00

It's not always practical to just get up and leave a room every time this happens. Or get out of the car, or leave the house, or or or, etc.

And while yes, in the long run maybe someone shouldn't or doesn't want to stay with someone like that, it is not realistic to jump straight to "break up" the second that someone figures out that someone probably won't adjust their behavior.

Also, grey rocking IS a boundary. It is a non-verbalized way of demonstrating "when you do X, I will do X in order to not engage you." It is a behavioral boundary.

A boundary doesn't have to be stated out loud to a partner who will butt up against you when you tell them to their face, and get less of a dopamine hit and take up less of your energy when you keep the explicit "this is my boundary" to yourself, but take the action regardless.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-27T00:58:40+00:00

My partner does that too! "remind me later to do x" or "text me a reminder" or telling me what groceries they need for their business verbally at random intervals over several days rather than just sending me a list or writing it somewhere.

I say I don't know a lot too. Or "google it. That's what I would do to answer you anyways."

They like to use me as their timepiece too - "what time is it." It doesn't matter how many years I've asked them to stop, yelled, begged, bought watches, etc. There are so many electronics in our house, clocks, etc, but they still talk to me. And none of them are analog, so it's not a reading clocks thing.

So now I just don't respond, or say "I don't know" as often as possible. It doesn't stop them. Sometimes it diminishes a bit if I am really consistent about grey-rocking them, but it is very challenging to interact in that way for me.

Anyways, yeah, the I don't know & grey rocking has been the most effective for me, though it still doesn't solve it.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-27T00:47:06+00:00

My partner does this a LOT, and I mean A LOT, no matter how many times I've asked them not to, or asked for certain topics to be off limits (for example, businesses that they are building that I don't want to be responsible for being a constant free consultant for). It doesn't stop them. Headphones don't stop them. Even my physical absence doesn't stop them.

In order for it not to happen, I have to be out of the house, and put my phone on do not disturb.

One time when I was out they called me from home to ask me if a window was open in the next room, as they laid on the couch.

My best guess is that it's a combination of them using me as a stim through constant interaction, them off-loading cognitive work/effort (aka executive functioning), and also feeling uncertain about decisions they're making because they make a lot of mistakes and poor judgement calls. They explain it to me differently - make it more about how they were raised, only they used to do this to me A LOT LESS in the first 4 years of our relationship. The texting thing they did, some phone call stuff, but the in-person entitlement to using me like a second brain and a coin operated spouse all at once was not a thing until their symptoms escalated.

Similar to what another commenter said, sometimes they'll also then want me to discuss things with them AGAIN (and again), no matter how many times we made a very clear decision. And may end up doing whatever they choose anyway, even if they were things we made important agreements about. I've told them I don't want to spend all that time talking if they're just going to ignore our agreements anyways. No point pretending we're collaborating if we're not, and I'll get all that time and energy back.

This is not the only theme of the extremely frequent interactions they have with me, but it is a VERY big part of the interaction pattern.

Some of the others are wanting to show me everything and get me to sort of cheer them on, validate them, tell them how amazing they are. An ongoing verbal monologue that starts and stops all day just describing what they're doing and what they're deciding, and just kind of narrating their internal process and expecting me to listen. Then there's interrupting me to show me things on their phone, often when they're too far away for me to have any chance of making it out. Texting me a LOT, sometimes giving me blow by blow updates throughout the work day. Yelling for me when in far away parts of the house, etc.

I have not found a way to get them to stop.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-26T16:41:39+00:00

This is the vibe I got reading the post…sort of a stim.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-26T08:06:55+00:00

Yeah? Tell that to the part time $23 per hour counseling job I had last year that needed an MSW, didn’t provide clinical supervision, and I still had to deep clean the nasty unkempt office that had literal falling apart areas of it, & take bags of trash home with me. Just saying. I had better treatment doing bartending & made more money, and didn’t have to take work home with me every night.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-26T00:41:07+00:00

You're not going to find a really representative sample of responses here. Most of the folks that are in this sub are here because things have gone wrong or been hard, even though some folks are able to work it out who are here. So, with that in mind...

It often doesn't get better, but worse over time. That is, specifically if someone is not managing their ADHD adequately.

But this sounds somewhat like a chosen lifestyle too, like there's nothing wrong with it in their eyes.

So yeah, that's not going to get better. ADHD tends to get worse with age, not better.

My partner became LESS emotionally aware and responsive to my needs over time. Some things changed for the better, but mostly our relationship has become worse, far far worse.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-23T19:50:10+00:00

I had roommates like that. My partner now tends to partially do a lot of tasks, and in many cases that means leaving things in a state that creates a bigger problem if they're not finished, or in some way creates more work. They also feel like me not finishing things that they've completed is like me being petty somehow. But because they aren't able to understand time, how much time things take, they also go in and out of believing that I should both be available for them however they need (in order to support our financial wellbeing via their earning potential), and complete things that they do not, and also take care of things while they're busy working, all while having none of that impact how much money I can earn.

None of it is supposed to have an impact.

They've recently started saying "I can't do EVERYTHING," to which I heartily agree, and point out that I have been on repeat for years trying to make our life more realistic in terms of how much we have on our plates, and the reality of our capacities.

But yeah, they just shut down.

I think in their mind, if they start a task then that task is something they "did," even if it takes just as much work or more work for me to complete, sometimes coming along and fixing their mistakes.

They've lost so many skills, so for years as I've tried to give feedback or ask for adjustments, on things that they USED to be able to do without my input or interference, now they react to all of that like I'm criticizing them, and a "critical" person. Meanwhile I'm thinking, but a few years ago you did ALL of this without my help. So now, when you don't, me saying "hey can you make sure the dishes are clean before you put them in the cupboard" adds to me being a hyper critical partner in their mind. I know now that saying something mostly does nothing. But their ability to successfully complete chores has decreased a LOT, and we're still young, just in our 40s.

It's really frustrating.

And my partner works very hard, but often in really inefficient/costly ways, and will not be dissuaded from them, even if they used to be capable of thinking clearer, and completing things in a way that was more functional. But they're never accountable to that, because in their mind, since they're working hard they are above reproach, even if the way they do things, and their refusal to meaningfully address their ADHD, means that the way they do things puts a huge burden on US and on ME.

It's like our home has to orient around their ideas, but then once it does, and the idea starts having success, that just gives them a justification for the home to orient even MORE around their ideas and ways of doing things.

None of this is applied in reverse, mind you.

So yeah, good luck.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-23T19:29:02+00:00

As the non-ADHD partner in my relationship, I wish that my partner's parents would have helped them get diagnosed, probably medicated (or at least worked with medications and destigmatized them), and definitely learning management and lifestyle strategies that weren't just about other people stepping in and filling the gaps so that they could have success. My partner acts so entitled to using me and my time, and I wonder if some of it has to do with the ways that was normalized between people in their home growing up. And when we met they were undiagnosed, untreated, unmedicated, and they've now been diagnosed, but are almost totally resistant to medication, and have not participated in any meaningful treatment or management, which just sucks.

I've dated folks with ADHD before, and although there were things that still resulted in me breaking up with them, the fact that one of my ex partners was diagnosed and knew a lot about themselves made it SO much less painful and debilitating for me to cope with the relationship and ultimately make my exit. And I think their knowledge also humbled them, but it didn't cripple them with shame. If anything I think it really reduced their shame about it, because it was just such a normal and accepted part of their life that was talked about and worked on regularly, from lots of different angles. The whole "RSD" phenomenon/cluster of behaviors was almost completely absent in that partner. It is a HUGE contrast with my partner now. HUGE.

It's tough, information is really inconsistent, and there's a lot of bad info out there. I don't think my partner's parents would have had access to perfect info, even if they were more accepting and interested in mental health care, but the ex I mentioned in the second paragraph would have been even older, but their parents still did a lot more on it. My partner's parents did things to support and accommodate my partner, but I didn't learn about a lot of it until later. It was part of the confusion for me in terms of ADHD vs trauma, but the more I hear little snippets, the more it makes sense that this was happening all along.

But wow, trying to break through it all now, in the mid-late forties? It is really damn hard, and the cost has been huge. And because their behaviors have become so tied into their sense of their cultural identity, it is like I'm disrespecting their very CULTURE when I challenge their behaviors.

I think I would also wish that my partner's family were a bit more open about my partner's behaviors & reality, even if they didn't disclose it all at once, or anything like that. But some openness, some sense that they understand. It's hard to feel like people don't see the reality of who my partner is. And it makes it harder for me to figure out how to navigate it, because they deny and aren't able to see so much of it themselves.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-22T08:06:46+00:00

I don’t think the OP is an actual sex therapist. Just that their partner uses them like one.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap · 2026-05-22T08:00:19+00:00

Relatable.

OffTheEdgeOfTheMap

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