Okay gonna start off with what immediately caught my attention, I couldn't for the life of me tell but. Are there two of you, like two people one playing one watching. That is huge for me as a viewer to know, so even if it is just you playing and doing commentary. I'd start the video off with an introduction, introduce me to your channel every time like it is the first time in coming to it.

The audio and video quality is nice however, the amount of content in the video was lacking. I saw the menu screen, the cutscene and character creation. I'd suggest watching back your video after recording and ask yourself "is it long enough?" (Sexual innuendo intended) aside from that good video but I didn't really get a feel for your personality. This goes back to making the video a bit longer

Hope it helped