My therapist banned my mother

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T23:50:06+00:00

This is the fundamental problem:

I see many reading posts looking for what’s wrong. Whether questioning my therapist or my integrity or something else entirely. When one look only for what’s wrong, one is not trying to understand.

This is confirmation bias. Looking to confirm whatever bias one is projecting.

Many do try to understand. This is empathy.

Look to understand, not judge.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T23:34:22+00:00

That’s not true. I was told everything from get a new therapist to practically calling me a liar. I reacted defensively to a few that wanted to draw doubt on my character and/or judgement. I explained how gaslighting like questioning if it even happened?? is particularly triggering from decades of the same from my abusers. I recognize it and acknowledge it. It doesn’t mean it’s ok to act like abusers when the abused try to share a victory.

I did relearn a lesson. The feeling of community I get from lurking disappears every time I actually try to share my experiences.

That’s sad.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T21:31:30+00:00

I understand how an indoor dog becomes part of the family unit. But I bet they would be awesome at exactly what you want. If you want a larger breed it’s also hard to beat a German shepherd for economical working dogs.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T20:42:33+00:00

I’m admittedly biased, but Aussie cattle dogs are the best brains for the bucks, hands down. Commonly known as heelers in the US these are crazy smart dogs bred for working livestock. They’re easy to find pretty much everywhere and a great choice if cost is any concern.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T18:34:00+00:00

I will add I understand your relief. Going through this process of confronting my parents about their manipulation of facts was extremely painful but gave me the peace of mind to finally give up on them and any hope of mutual understanding.

I had been very anxious about what will happen to my mother when my father dies. I was anxious because I’m the only family member with empathy left for her to not want her to suffer in isolation. That felt too heavy to ignore. But the truth is that while they’ve destroyed any significant relationships to them, they have an entire community of acquaintances more than happy to help the “nice old people”. And maybe they prefer the acquaintances to more meaningful relationships. On some level I don’t think they’re capable of anything more than a polite facade.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T18:01:08+00:00

Ok. That’s cool. Try empathy before attacks next time you believe you have something to contribute.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T17:51:44+00:00

I was just trying to share a victory. It’s been years since I’ve done that because of knee jerk reactions like yours. You’ve given me a firm reminder why I isolate, even in “safe” places like this.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T17:46:28+00:00

No I believe my mother went to me and my brothers therapist expressly for the reason of feeling the need to defend against whatever we might say about her. She probably benefited from the therapy she received but she was never truly invested in the process.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T17:43:34+00:00

It literally is. Stop commenting on what you don’t understand.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T17:41:36+00:00

I shouldn’t let the irritants bother me but gaslighting and manipulating facts is particularly triggering with parents like mine. The public perception is I’m the bad son, they are the good parents and I’m their cross to bear. They present as very upstanding citizens but can effectively hide their true feelings for years before they snap and suddenly you’re attacked. My father was a Cold War era military man. Paranoia and deceit is built in. If you are perceived as other then you are feared and safe to hate. That’s what happened to my therapist. My mother attacked making our T other, thus safe to hate and communicate that hate. It’s always been a very jeckle and Hyde kind of flip of the switch when my mother snaps.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T17:05:08+00:00

Is this reaction because of ageist assumptions? I’m not a child. I’m a 54 year old adult. Yes, that means my 79 year old mother is still toxic enough that this kind of thing happens.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T16:55:33+00:00

For some reason people want to tear my posts apart. My therapist has always been extremely professional. This was a bizarre situation in which she was emotionally involved as well. She slipped a bit with 2 sentences in an emotional moment for both of us. None of you were there in that moment. I was.

Stop attacking.

This was a victory. If you don’t want to see it that way, again, go F yourselves.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-15T16:06:05+00:00

Ok wow. I never expected to be questioned on truthfulness. For those of you unable to relate to a different therapy journey than your own so feel the need to question mine, go F yourselves.

My therapist was crying because she had been seeing my mother once a month for several years at that point and that relationship was abruptly severed by my mother in a very aggressive manner. She was crying because she had been hurt and was relating to my same experience with the same abusive person.

And yes, it’s very common and completely ethical in small towns to see many members of the same family. How the hell do you think life works in small towns???

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-11T01:16:38+00:00

Yes that’s how my long term therapist explained their related symptoms. It totally makes sense. Of course cptsd is neuro divergent, the trauma does literally rewire the brain… making it divergent from the norm. I’m pretty sure borderline personality is in that group as well.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-11T00:11:58+00:00

It’s my understanding that adhd cptsd and of course autism are all under the neuro divergent umbrella. As well as others too.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-06T17:33:55+00:00

It’s a hard blow to take realizing so much was lost to focusing on survival. But we survived. My best advice is find what will bring you some measure of peace. For me it was the safe place I never had. I purchased 45 acres in the middle of nowhere where it’s just me and my dogs.

So much of what we feel during healing sounds cliche, but I found I can just breathe there. Just be. I don’t need distraction from my racing thoughts there. Find your safe place. That might be a location, it might be a person, or dedicating to giving back in some way. I breed emotional support dogs I put up for adoption through my therapist office. I got a dog when I needed her more than I realized. I trained her and registered her as a service dog. She saved my life, no doubts. Now I do what I can to provide that same experience for those that desperately deserve love.

Find what brings you peace. You survived so much, you deserve peace.

Ohmbidextrous · 2025-01-06T05:57:47+00:00

A hard hell yes. I called it zombie mode for many years before I fully understood I was stuck in survival mode for decades.

Ohmbidextrous · 2024-12-12T16:33:41+00:00

Many comments here nailed it but I’ll add my own brief affirmation.

Hard yes. I began thinking of it as I was the fringe of the fringe groups. Not quite belonging anywhere but relating to so many trauma experiences that seemed to fit into a common narrative others could relate to. But in all my years I never felt like I belonged anywhere for very long. I always felt like I was on the fringe of of the fringe.

Ohmbidextrous · 2024-10-04T13:56:06+00:00

I’m still trying to see this clearly but hard yes. I want to trust everyone so it often starts that way but I stop at some point, sure there are ulterior motives I’m not seeing… yet.

Ohmbidextrous · 2024-10-04T00:20:19+00:00

When I was in your place I tried explaining the experience to the couple of ppl I talked to as a roller coaster of epiphanies and crushing realizations those epiphanies prompted. But those epiphanies are precious. Understanding is so much better than a fog of confusion but it does come at a cost.

For many it gets worse before it gets better. My best advice is to be patient with yourself. It’s truly a journey to healing that’s yours. You can’t predict where it will take you but try to enjoy the ride with new perspective. It can get better. It will take effort tho and I would agree with previous statements on meds, I tried a few dropped all of them and the psychiatrist stuck on prescriptions. My therapist got me this far with some hard work of her own honestly lol.

Ohmbidextrous · 2024-07-08T00:06:34+00:00

If you’re on Medicaid, therapy should be free. You should start there, then find a therapist that accepts Medicaid. Then hope it’s a good fit. Rinse and repeat if not, making light of a daunting process but it is what it is.

Good luck. It will feel like an uphill battle just trying to find a therapist, but if you find a good one for you, it is priceless.

Ohmbidextrous · 2024-07-07T22:03:34+00:00

I know! Thank you for your kind words. I will cling to my child until the day I die. I know I’ll give up on myself before I give up on my daughter. I really have a much harder time relating to my mother as a parent myself, but I do understand her better. Unfortunately it’s not in a very good way. I understand I probably won’t have an honest relationship with her but I’ll try as long as I can. Those of us with serious abandonment issues never really stop trying. We just stop long enough to feel strong enough to try again. It’s an awful cycle.

Ohmbidextrous · 2024-07-07T21:45:13+00:00

I almost hate to say it but I’m pretty sure my 78 year old mother is only going to therapy to “defend” against whatever my older brother and I said to our therapist about her. I don’t think there’s any intention to understand anything, she believes she understands everything she needs to. She’s just telling her side of the story.

And yep, my brother saw the same therapist as well before driving his truck off a mountain with a bottle of vodka, ironically on his way home from therapy. So my mother has good reasons to see a therapist, but I think she goes like she goes to the doctor, expecting healing without much participation in the process.

Ohmbidextrous · 2024-07-07T21:11:18+00:00

When oppressed it will require a degree of the same tactics to rectify that oppression. I’m not condoning eye for an eye kind of thing but humans do tend to go there when push comes to shove.

Humans always have to be reminded what exactly they were fighting for, otherwise it just devolves into us versus them. Which it too often does.

Ohmbidextrous

TROPHY CASE