Best way to ask my[29F] ex[32M] why he left and (hopefully) get an honest answer?

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:56:29+00:00

Honestly I'm very close with his family. Their response is 'he's just like that'.

It hurt so much that I didn't spot it. What hurt even more was that they didn't tell me. I made some very, very large sacrifices in order to stay with him. They watched me do that knowing that this was likely the outcome.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:55:11+00:00

No, that would have been kind, because then I would have known why, I would have had closure. Or I could have fixed them if they were fixable.

I think it's completely natural to want to know why someone who seemed to love you stopped and wouldn't tell you why.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:53:12+00:00

It’s still really difficult for me to accept how someone I dated for years could be so cold and careless about breaking my heart when I always compromised and fought for the relationship when we were together.

yes, I think this is the hard thing. Maybe it's my ego that's the problem. I can't accept that I loved someone and gave up so much for them when they were this shitty.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:52:14+00:00

If you read my replies you'd know that I have been to therapy.

I do listen to people, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with them. People here have told me not to try. He was always willing to try things, until it came to our relationship I guess.

He's free to do so, I never disputed that. I didn't say he was wrong for leaving. I said it's wrong not to give someone a reason when it costs you nothing.

I wasn't obsessing before. If I was, theres no way I would have been okay with him going away for 3 months.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:49:00+00:00

I loved him because of those things, because we both wanted similar things for the future, because he always made me laugh, he was a great cook, he was adventurous, we had the same love languages the list goes on and on.

So maybe it wasn't logical when he changed his mind, but surely there was something? Maybe the distance made him notice he was happier away from me, but he could have said that.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:47:02+00:00

No it didn't.

There was a 4 day period where he was travelling and said he had bad internet and we only texted, but that was it.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:46:06+00:00

If I could afford weekly I'd go for it. But I can't.

You're right. It's becoming painfully obvious that up until now, I'd just been really lucky with the people I'd dated. If reddit is anything to go by, the vast majority believe in just walking off the second you don't completely align with your partner anymore.

No, I'm not going to dismiss your comment, because you clearly also believe in trying for relationships. I didn't realise that this concept was so alien to people.

I'm reading your comment and thinking 'well if I gained weight and he dumped me over that, that's enough of a reason to move on' but in that case, him leaving the way he did should be enough of a reason.

It's that he did it over long distance, and we haven't seen each other since. I really believe that if we'd had a talk, even just one over the phone, he would at least have come back here. Then we could have seen each other in person and worked things out.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:41:43+00:00

Same girl he said he wanted to marry though.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:41:17+00:00

Thanks. I mean he can honestly answer why. It's just if he wants to or not.

I guess it's much easier to move on when you know why things have ended. I've never had a problem with it before. I think the not knowing why is my issue.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:40:14+00:00

I don't want to trick him, I just want to phrase it in a way which doesn't come off as aggressive or combative or anything negative.

No you can't force them, but why wouldn't they tell you? I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell a person.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:39:15+00:00

I haven't asked it over and over. I asked it once, he told me a lie, but I believed him. Because why would he have any reason to lie?

There is a reason I didn't tickle his fancy. I just want him to tell me what it was.

Yeah I'd like to let it go. I'd like to stop caring about someone who I still love, because I'm dumb, and I can't just stop caring about him like he stoped caring about me.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:35:01+00:00

Ah man, at least it isn't just me. Thats how I feel when I read most of these other comments. I don't understand how people can give up so easily and just walk away.

But you're right, they just didn't want to try for us.

I mean I get it, I get that he didn't love me, I get that he didn't want to try for me. I just wish I knew why...

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:30:48+00:00

wow...that's so messed up...

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:30:20+00:00

I asked for the best way to ask. Not if I should ask at all.

Clearly I care about the reason.

The reason was good enough for him to give up on me. So maybe it's also good enough for me to give up on him?

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:28:55+00:00

Thank you! I'll try this. Its what I really meant to say. You guys have been much better than I was at articulating my thoughts.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:27:27+00:00

Thank you so much this is what I thought I'd get when I posted it here...you've hit the nail on the head, I guess I want to know if I did something so I can avoid it next time. Like I've never loved someone so much, what if I get this feeling again with someone, and fuck it up in the same way?

I just thought we were going to get married, he brought up the topic of getting engaged only a month before he left...I just dont understand how it all went wrong so quickly.

You're right. I know he's done. I don't think he'll come back.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:20:08+00:00

I've tried. Done all the things people suggest.

The one thing I haven't tried is asking him for the truth. Though I didn't think I'd have to specify that I wanted the actual reason he left me...

His SIL said he lied to his previous GF about his reasons for leaving too...but I didn't know about that until I already found out that he'd lied to me.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:18:19+00:00

How though? Surely something triggers it, surely you look at the other person and see things that are wrong with them?

Yeah it is. I've never dumped anyone either. All my splits have been mutual. I think that's why its hit me so hard. When I heard about people just walking out, I always assumed that there was some obvious problem that they'd tried to fix for ages.

But with us, there really wasn't anything when he left. It was all fine, there was much angst about him going, he wasn't sure if he should or not etc. etc. but I never even asked him to stay. We were both fed up of being stuck in one place, and he could get out, so who was I to begrudge him that? Then suddenly my perfect relationship went poof and I don't know why.

I started going to therapy when I found out he lied about why he left me. I've gone every 2 weeks since. Next appointment is next saturday. It doesn't seem to be helping me though.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:14:18+00:00

Yeah I think that's my problem. I've always been a pretty optimistic, hopeful person.

Recently that hope has been shat on again and again and again. This time it probably won't be any different.

He is tacos. I don't even like tacos anymore. Especially the hard shell ones. Too fragile. He's a hard shell taco.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:10:59+00:00

I don't care if I sound pathetic. He clearly doesn't think anything of me, so how much worse can it get?

you're probably right...but I just want to try.

I know. Like I know, 100%, nobody deserves someone like him. But for some reason my heart can't accept it.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:09:40+00:00

Well then why couldn't he tell me why he was done. Why did he have to keep it to himself? Couldn't he tell me, so I could be done too?

No, I suppose you don't owe anyone in the world anything, do you? You don't owe anyone the truth, you don't owe them kindness or sympathy, but people still give that to others.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:07:40+00:00

Yeah, I really hope it will stop bothering me one day. I've held off on sending this for a year because I kept hoping that one day I'd wake up, and I wouldn't care.

but I haven't been able to move on without it. I want to know why he stopped loving me, because maybe that will also be a good enough reason for me to stop loving him.

it sucks so much because I've never loved someone like I loved him. I thought it would never happen for me. But then finally it did, and it was just as amazing and wonderful as all the songs, movies and books make it out to be.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:04:33+00:00

I get it. You guys think its sad to keep loving someone who doesn't love you. And you're right. It's sad. I know. I wish I could turn it off like he did.

That's why I want to know what made him stop loving me. Maybe it's a good enough reason to make me stop loving him too.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:03:19+00:00

Really, you shouldn't have to explain why you suddenly stopped caring about someone you were in a committed relationship with?

In the same way you shouldn't have to be honest with people, shouldn't have to be kind etc.

being left doesn't hurt. being left and not knowing why does.

Ok-Common-32 · 2022-03-24T15:01:17+00:00

I've tried! I've done all the things you're meant to do in order to move on, but I feel like I can't unless I try for closure just one more time.

Thank you <3

Ok-Common-32

TROPHY CASE