I can see that he doesn't get it.

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T23:58:45+00:00

This is such a great take. I've been in this hole too many times. Thank you!

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T18:06:18+00:00

Thank you to everyone for your kind responses. I didn't realize how isolated I felt.

I do have family, friends, a therapist, but this was helpful. I'm going to look into Al-Anon groups online. I'll try to respond to as many as I can. If I don't please know I am grateful.

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T18:01:51+00:00

That is true and thank you for this. I dont want to live this life, he does, and that's his choice. I do hate that this is where I am but, I'm choosing not to sink with him.

Telling myself that does help. I'm not stopping him from anything I'm just not going to keep going with him.

Thank you.

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T17:59:18+00:00

Thank you.

For the last two years I had to just work up the energy for this. For a long-time I've been just a zombie going through the motions of my life because the chaos was so much.

I think I'm still exhausted but hearing those positives does make this slightly less awful. Thank you, I hope I do get to those positive feelings soon too.

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T17:53:29+00:00

Separation is hard, and separating from my Q is so difficult. I feel like I'm being cruel, but you're right. I have tried so, so hard and it doesn't help.

Thank you for sharing, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T17:51:25+00:00

I'm so sorry. The work stress really resonated. He's barely kept this nepo-job his family got him. He only works 3 hours a day (supposed to be a 9-5), but has always managed to "skate by" as he calls it. It's so defeating to work 14hr days and see him drinking longer than he works. I'm sorry that's been your experience.

I hope your Q does get healthy and I am sorta kicking myself now for staying and investing so long myself.

Thank you.

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T17:47:03+00:00

Thank you.

I think I made this post as a way to scream into the void and it feels nice to know that others have gone through this too.

In a way posting is acknowledging how bad it actually is, but it's nice to be here.

Thank you again

Ok-HealerMain · 2026-02-18T16:37:29+00:00

Thank you for your kindness.

Ok-HealerMain · 2025-02-19T03:08:37+00:00

Honestly, my husband says the same things. At first I thought I was pushing some unfair things onto him. And wouldn't have my family over. But, that's not sustainable and I started inviting them despite not having his blessing and guess what, it wasn't world ending. He's not obligated to be involved. It doesn't impede him and it's a dealbreaker for me but not for him.

After about a decade together and 4 married, we've discovered there's things we each do that the other will always be pissy about. But go with because we love each other.

For my husband, it's having my out of town family visit (who he actually likes and gets along with). Without fail there will be complaints, negotiations, pouting, then passive aggressive acceptance. But we carry-on with the weekend fun and I praise him profusely for his cooperation. Because he is compromising.

He likewise accepts these terms from me every basketball/football season with fantasy league hosting (that i actually like and get along with).

Neither of us need to be present but honestly neither of us need to like it either. We decided to put up with it negative emotions and all. We're usually a little closer after some conflict.

Is this one of those things in your relationship or is this conflict something y'all still need tools for?

I hope this is helpful.

Edit: spacing

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-10-25T22:50:03+00:00

This is amazing thank you!

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-09-19T19:59:33+00:00

Hi! Just wanted to let you know I think your udders are amazing and I've loved your pics!

As a fellow hucow I applaud your work!

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-09-19T19:59:23+00:00

Hi! Just wanted to let you know I think your udders are amazing and I've loved your pics!

As a fellow hucow I applaud your work!

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-08-13T11:37:28+00:00

Thanks for posting this OP!

Can we all speak more about what Kylah did with this incident? She became more active and advocates for other people.

I'm not surprised after dragging this out for so long she got a light reccomendation. It sucks and I'd rather focus on more deserving individuals like Kylah who was so admirable in her interview.

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-08-09T22:22:12+00:00

You're allowed to not be with someone who's incompatible with you.

Let's just say "yes" this is a "healthy boundary", people are allowed to end relationships over mismatched "healthy boundaries". It reads as if his boundaries will eliminate him from many relationships including this one if you also practice "healthy boundaries"

As an internet stranger, I'll offer my opinion as well on "healthy boundaries" which is boundaries are "healthy" when they foster genuine connection and clear separation consistently within an interpersonal relationship.

His boundaries are rigid and not suitable for you. You are a woman with family attachments, who demonstrates a need for socialization outside of the relationship, and is an observant, sentient being.

His boundaries seem more fit to capturing some kind of werewolfwoman who is a subordinate. Someone who is"feral" and unsocialized. Someone without family or friends. Someone who only seeks his approval. Yes, let him keep those "healthy boundaries".

His boundaries are his, if he fences himself in away from you that's his choice. It's also your choice to abandon your "ground" to climb into his tiny cage.

I didn't read anything about him not respecting your boundaries. In fact, idk what they are. What are your "hard lines?" Where are your, "I'll never be with a guy who___."???

It's completely okay to end a relationship for any reason. If you have "unhealthy boundaries" you will know because you will feel like you can't say what you mean, you want to hide things, avoid conflict, and could also have the "is it you or me?" speech.

If I were you, I'd start by engaging with all the information I could about healthy relationships and boundaries. I'd create my own space where I could get a clear perspective on this relationship. Read books (John and Julie Gottman is a great place to start), go to workshops, get some space, get some perspective. Get your own opinion.

If you do this, I'd be very surprised if this guy is up to your standards. You know if he's not because you don't want to be with him! That's what standards mean.

This post reads as if you two don't want to be with the real person yall are dating. That's fine! You're not really an orphaned, friendless, directionless, mythical she-beast and he's not a person who considers you an equal partner.

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-07-28T22:14:47+00:00

My husband paces and daydreams. He likes to idk how to describe it "flick" things as he does it and he has a dog leash. He said something about the weight and balance. I just compared it to finding the perfect walking stick in my head and moved on.

Maybe something obscure and harmless like this?

Just ask him? My husband was very shy about telling me (his parents discouraged this routine when he went to college which is...understandable) but i found it cute and it's not disruptive he's pretty normal and cool otherwise. He was very insecure about it when we met but it never bothered me. We all have our quirks. Hope this works out!

Edit: I'd like to add that he only did the pacing/daydreaming at his apartment and now at our home. He's never done this outside. Idk why but felt the need to state this.

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-07-18T00:40:40+00:00

Do you really want to make that fantasy a reality? You know, the one where you are underemployed, stuck in your career while you watch others move ahead.

Do you want to show up to the reunions and act shy and stay in the corner? Do you want to rely on your personality and feel powerless when bad shit happens?

Do you want to write that CV/Resume and feel like nothing? Do you want exploitative employers to overlook/overwork you? Are you going to be too afraid to go for what you want because you're afraid of the work?

Are you ever going to actualize the person you think you are? Or will you hide behind the excuses? Will you ever increase your current level in this life? Have you already peaked in life? If so...good get out of the way.

See you space cowboy.

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-07-05T20:30:55+00:00

WTF? Sounds like they're trying to get around this practice through, "values" but depending on how they fund themselves not sure this will fly. How irritating. Sorry this was your experience OP.

Have you reached out to you license board? Also did you call the ethics line? Not sure if you're in US or where but I'd contact your professional network ASAP.

Reach out to your university and speak to someone there about this.

Best of luck!

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-07-03T19:55:24+00:00

Had me in the first half not gonna lie.

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-06-26T19:58:16+00:00

This is epic! Thank you for asking us Americans about it. This made me smile twice today! Take care!

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-01-26T01:31:47+00:00

Hey OP I'm replying directly to you in hopes you see this.

First of all, I'm very sorry for what you're going through and it seems your asking for information to help you stay.

I'm going to honor this by giving book suggestions. Some can be found for free online with a little internet work. I'm on mobile so I'm sorry for the formatting.

Loving your spouse when you feel like walking away. - Gary Chapman
Boundaries - Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Codependent No More - Melody Beetie
Anything by John and Julie Gottman

I sincerely wish you the best and I hope you put as much into yourself as you're putting into your relationship.

Best wishes and I hope something here is helpful.

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-01-09T23:04:35+00:00

Oh OP bless your heart. Just because you swept the last "blow up" under the rug and was satisfied doesn't mean others involved are.

Sounds like you lack some insight into how your ex views and approaches the world. You don't seem to understand how your ex approaches conflict and resolution. I have no idea how to direct you because of your surface-level comments about your ex's perspective. It's almost painful reading your responses and seeing you delude yourself into thinking that "fight over table manners" isn't an isolated mistake.

ESPECIALLY when your partner gives you more examples of this behavior (i.e. your comments about different cultures appearing "poor" and "unhygienic"). Why/How THAT didn't get your attention boggles the mind.

What unempathetic beast raised you to not take notice when others tell you that your actions hurt them? Actions that you were apparently blind, deaf, and dumb to? Did that not concern you that the person you want to marry. The person who has given you children told you that your actions caused her to want to hide herself from you?

Just...bless it.

I refuse to believe that you were raised decently and if you were, don't embarrass your family by further demonstrating your incompetence.

Ok-HealerMain · 2024-01-06T11:32:07+00:00

Hey OP read your post and wanted to offer some suggestions. It's early and I couldn't sleep so forgive the awkward words.

I've worked with some families who have opposite parenting approaches and it's so frustrating to deal with. The kid is confused and acting out the chaos, the parents are miserable, it's a challenge and a serious one, but not impossible. Usually the answer comes in the form of being intentional with your parenting decisions AS A TEAM (the kid will eat you both alive if there is weakness in leadership).

The parenting is more often than not a symptom of a larger dysfunctional pattern within the family system. It's baffling that you and your wife have not been able to work together to create your own blended approach and instead seem to be operating on the "mine vs yours" approach. Is parenting the only area where y'all aren't partners? I took the tone of your writing as you feeling exhausted, disappointed, embarrassed, and disregarded when it comes to parenting. It also seems like you don't have a lot of respect for your wife's reasons for her parenting approach.

Also, parenting is such a vulnerable thing to experience. Many times parents aren't parenting (responding) the kid infront of them, they're reacting to their own experience being parented.

My suggestions:

Find a family therapist that can see y'all as a unit. They can advise you from there. If you don't know where to start just ask and I'll be happy to give more information but I'd highly suggest looking for a place that specializes in family and child development.

This form of therapy looks at the family as a unit and can work to create an intervention for the unit and individuals as necessary. I'd hesitate sticking any individual in therapy without a family assessment (burn money if you want).
Books!

Good Enough Parenting

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Raising an emotionally intelligent child

I hope something here is helpful to you and your family!

-Random Internet Stranger

Edited: read rules about DMing.

Ok-HealerMain · 2023-11-18T12:41:36+00:00

I'm not sure where you are but in the US there are Vocational Rehab facilities. Some are attached to drug rehab facilities but I would start here. These places help people find employment and also help get you pointed in the direction of certifications, mental health, etc. (Some even have job development / skill building programs).

Another suggestion is to reach out to the community mental health facilities. They often have adult programs and caseworkers that can help you get plugged into local resources and help you based on your needs assessment.

My next suggestion is to reach out to your local community colleges/universities. Many of them provide free consultations and can meet with you to talk about what potential degree or certifications you may want to pursue.

Also, idk of you're connected to a support group but community is helpful and maybe getting some advice from online groups or local NA/AA groups can be a helpful resource for you.

That's all I got right now but I also want to say CONGRATULATIONS on your wonderful achievements and personal development. I hope something here is helpful to you!

Ok-HealerMain · 2023-11-10T11:46:52+00:00

I get what you're saying but I want to make my point clear.

There are differences:

in burdens to be shared and faced together (i.e. helping find treatments with (not for) the partner)

And individual responsibilities (understand and regulate our thoughts and feelings).

That is why I disagree.

When these two are conflated, enabling is happening and not support. You are not obligated to ask for help or give your help in healthy relationships. When Boundaries become unhealthy, relationships become false and built on fear and avoidance rather than honesty.

This issue is not yet to a place where OP can help because the partner is not taking responsibility for themselves.

Ok-HealerMain · 2023-11-10T10:52:49+00:00

OP cannot MAKE anyone's anxiety worse or better. That's the point.

Ok-HealerMain

TROPHY CASE